The never ending struggle to find someone to eat with.

What’s it that i want? well besides the obvious things like money and friends and clothes and things and other things and more other things and a pet tiger and new headphones, i really want someone with whom i can enjoy a good meal with. I want someone who i want to sit down with and be comfortable with and eat food in front of. and i’m not even talking romantically. just somebody to share an hour and a half with of my life that involves jamming food in my mouth and talking about interesting things.

I’m not even looking for heavy topics of discussion, just meaningful ones. i’m irresponsible and brash and dumb, in the way that i’m allowed to be dumb, and i just want to talk about the things that are important to a person like me. that might mean everything could be a topic, or it could just be about comic books and video games and old sci fi movies and strange disorders. in fact today that is all i’ll talk about with anyone i come across.

but more than just friends, let’s think about this in the capacity of romantic intent. i want that person i can be that dumb and ugly in front of as i am when i eat food. probably eating too much and chewing too loudly or with my mouth open or something, and none of those things matter because they don’t. all that matters is that we’re together sharing a moment that is nice. so much pressure is put on having dinner dates. i don’t want a dinner date. i just want dinner. i just want company. i want the two to join forces in the effort to make me happy. there’s someone out there waiting for me to take them to dinner and she is amazing, but she’s so far away and sometimes at dinner she is still far away. there was a moment that she wasn’t but we’ve grown too accustomed to our faces and have started to ignore one another. it’s really quite sad. i ask how am i supposed to feel, other than the way that it is actually happening? not to justify it but it’s real and it’s there, or rather it’s real and it’s no longer there.

nothing left in me.

so what. i have a dilemma. there is a girl that i like even though i’m not allowed to like her. not so much that i am not allowed to like her, it just feels like there is no good that could come out of it for either of us in some manner. she makes me crazy with this feeling of wanting to abandon my self and start all over with her. i suppose there were other opportunities that may have presented themselves, but this is highly different because this is the first time i actually had considered it. like really really considered it. i have everything i know to lose and everything i don’t have a clue of to gain. but that’s not entirely true. i know her. otherwise she wouldn’t be at all special. just nameless. and the sad thing is in my thoughts of others, it never ventured further than some sort of carnal activity, but it is different than that. with her i would not want to not know her, and as much as it would pain me to see her find someone, it would be better to witness her happiness than to never have known her.blah blah balh.  yes i like you. i’m starting to go crazy over you, the way you enchant me with being you in the way that only you can be.  i forget how this feels.  maybe forgot.  but not enough to know that this is what i miss.  i can’t help but be scared of you and the way it makes me want things to be.  i write this directly out loud with the idea that you will eventually read this. someone might read this and put two and two together and i’ll be found out.  is that what i want, some sort of catastrophic event occurring to move me into a mode that makes me feel real feelings at every instance, as opposed to this complacent lull and low level hum i had been in and hearing for too long to think that this is the way it must be.i want to say the words i want to say and say everything because i have nothing left to find and hide.  it’s all in me and i’ll hold on to it.  what if i never tell you, would that make you sad.  do you feel similarly?

Friday night.

So I am in the thick of friday night. it will be my cousin’s birthday in a few days and I should have bought him a present. I went to the mall and walked around and looked at stuff, but in the end i bought something for someone that i probably shouldn’t buy for the reason that it might be strange. i’m sure it would be appreciated but weird nonetheless.I decided that if i lose the nerve to give the gift to her, i could keep it and add it to my collection, but more than likely i will give it to her in some sort of awkward one way exchange. but just in case i keep it i can use it.I ate dinner alone. i drove through in n’ out and sat in my car and ate it. i normally don’t like eating in the car in the dark, but my other does that and it was a concerted effort to do what the other had done earlier in the day. some sort of connectivity over long distance and without their knowledge of it occurring. i just assume that these are the gestures that mean something. so i ate a cheeseburger, animal style, fries and a lemonade. pretty standard stuff. i like the idea that by adding more sauce and grilled onions to something you become more animalistic. i feel like fighting for dominance in the pack. i want to force the betas to cower from me. i actually do want that normally. i just don’t want to be the alpha. perhaps the omega. so final in its endingness.so back at the studio. making some sort of work occur. i want to see her. i should probably give her a name that makes it easier to keep track of everything. but there is something fun about naming a cat ‘cat’. so i work and want, but i would drop work to see her. she is really in my brain right now.earlier, before i left for my dinner and shopping, i took my social self on the internet and put out a secret code that could connect this to me. i seem to want to be discovered. i just can’t figure out why i just don’t come out and talk completely normally.

A real beginning.

in my medium amount of years of life on this planet, not old by any means and not all too young anymore akin to the end and beginning of my twenties and thirties respectively, i have learned a great many lesson.  one of which is do not fall head over heels for someone who is out of your orbit.  and as a contrary statement of learned information is do fall head over heels for someone who is out of your orbit.  I have some sort of life away from here but that is not this right now.  It seems so far away and alien.  there are people that occupy that space, there are relationships and feelings and other such stuff.  But i am here, not there.  does it vanish from my periphery if i stop looking at it in such focus?  Am i letting it fall from my view or is it doing it by its own accord?

Love is a terrible wonder and a wonderful terror.  i could never want anything more than to feel that feeling forever.  the sad thing about love is that it changes and our desire to maintain its youthful exuberance and our youthful exuberance is futile.  but how could we not deny that feeling of wanting and being wanted, even if that already exists in other capacities and other locales?  i can’t stand the sinking sensation that i would run away from the things i thought i wanted in order to  get the things i think i want.  it tears at me.  i want and covet more than i am allowed, but i see no difference between want and need, at least in the sense that need is something different than survival.

i want/need things.  even in this guise of semi anonymity i find it hard to come right out and speak the truth and be open in a way that exposes myself. this is not at all a dark secret looking for catharsis and resolution, it is just a feeling, or group of feelings, that are frightening to admit out loud.  paralyzed with fear i’m tempted to type a secret code and let it’s discovery be further away, but at least have the sense that i put it out there. and scarier still is what i would be admitting in a series of cascading honesty, all stemming from one simple act. 

so there is a bit of a dilemma for me and mine. 

BLAHBLAHBLAH

Welcome everybody to the first installment of the boredom patrol.  This is a semi-anonymous thing-a-mablog of the boredom that pervades the corners of life.  hooray.  let us celebrate and rejoice.  So a preface is in order.  I am Luis Rangel(not yet my real name) and I am a recent graduate who is now teaching at the fantastic university from which I was jettisoned from in the northern most point of southern california.  I am sure that there may be others that contribute to this, but for now it is just me.  Actually I’m not sure if others will help, but I am optimistic that someone might.Welcome everybody to the first installment of the boredom patrol.  This is a semi-anonymous thing-a-mablog of the boredom that pervades the corners of life.  hooray.  let us celebrate and rejoice.  So a preface is in order.  I am Luis Rangel(not yet my real name) and I am a recent graduate who is now teaching at the fantastic university from which I was jettisoned from in the northern most point of southern california.  I am sure that there may be others that contribute to this, but for now it is just me.  Actually I’m not sure if others will help, but I am optimistic that someone might.Welcome everybody to the first installment of the boredom patrol.  This is a semi-anonymous thing-a-mablog of the boredom that pervades the corners of life.  hooray.  let us celebrate and rejoice.  So a preface is in order.  I am Luis Rangel(not yet my real name) and I am a recent graduate who is now teaching at the fantastic university from which I was jettisoned from in the northern most point of southern california.  I am sure that there may be others that contribute to this, but for now it is just me.  Actually I’m not sure if others will help, but I am optimistic that someone might.Welcome everybody to the first installment of the boredom patrol.  This is a semi-anonymous thing-a-mablog of the boredom that pervades the corners of life.  hooray.  let us celebrate and rejoice.  So a preface is in order.  I am Luis Rangel(not yet my real name) and I am a recent graduate who is now teaching at the fantastic university from which I was jettisoned from in the northern most point of southern california.  I am sure that there may be others that contribute to this, but for now it is just me.  Actually I’m not sure if others will help, but I am optimistic that someone might.Welcome everybody to the first installment of the boredom patrol.  This is a semi-anonymous thing-a-mablog of the boredom that pervades the corners of life.  hooray.  let us celebrate and rejoice.  So a preface is in order.  I am Luis Rangel(not yet my real name) and I am a recent graduate who is now teaching at the fantastic university from which I was jettisoned from in the northern most point of southern california.  I am sure that there may be others that contribute to this, but for now it is just me.  Actually I’m not sure if others will help, but I am optimistic that someone might.  You made it down here.  I am not actually Luis Rangel, but for me and my identity and for other reasons i wish to remain semi anonymous, but everything i put will be as true and real as it occurs in me and mine.  let’s get started.