my head hurts.

it’s been days since i’ve been back this way. christmas and such can be such a whirlwind of activity, even in quiet moments, it’s all prelude to something else. i have been burning the candle at both ends for the last few days, and have nothing really to show for it, except now i am getting sick. i feel my head throbbing and my glands are sensitive. i really only get sick once or twice a year, but in a pretty bad way, usually around now, and then i’m good the rest of the year. I’ve been lucky that way. But i wonder how that’ll all change.

my legs are weak. i feel like i’ve been walking for the entire day. but really i’ve been in my car running errands and other small things. I’m dreading going back, i’m actively attempting to not even think about it as much as possible.

but that’s not why i’m here, back to this semi-private, semi anonymous, thing.

I’ve been back home, spending time with my other. secretly dreading telling her that i am afraid that we are losing that special feeling that new romance brings, and replacing it, painstakingly, with complacency. In the few weeks that i have been back, i’ve spent only a handful of days with her. leading up to christmas, i had only seen her twice. it was only in the last few days that we had spent any real time.

maybe it’s the way my mind works, to drop hints towards things without ever pointing it out precisely. people that know me know that i do this. i know that i do this. Then a point comes where it all spills out. where the cat is out of the bag. But i try not to be that way, because while i am dealing with lots of things internally over a period of time, the person on the receiving end of my overly thought out rant is often taken by surprise.

but we talked.

what did we say? it’s such a blur. i can’t remember. it became contradictory. it’s not fully resolved.

i told her that i love her. i told her i felt far away. i told her that i wanted to be with her. i told her that it was hard to feel that way and feel like i have a real life without her. i told her that i wanted to walk away from her and from us. i want my life to be real. i told her words that might not have made sense.

she told me things too. she wanted to be with me. she loves me. i make her happy.

but she knows that we ignore each other. she offered up no solution. i feel like the promise of, once it’s all over, this distance, once we no longer have that, once we are together again, it’ll be okay. everything will be alright. She knows we don’t need each other. that we have lives that allow us to walk away from one another. She knows that our lives don’t intersect as often as they used to. that we are occupied with not being together to really miss being together.

there is no real resolution. just an acceptance of how this thing has dissolved and how one day it might come back. But it’s scary to let go. i want to hope that it works. i want to make it work.

we’re already separated. by distance, by interests, by life. i love her. i’ve nearly lost her before. i was so afraid back then. so terrified of being alone. loneliness was catalyzed because i was losing togetherness. now i’m not so scared. i’m more sure that things will end up the way they should. i am sure that i will do the things that make me happy. that make me a better person. i just am not sure what those things are.

i suffer from my own hubris.

This is just a divergent thing i thought about the other day. i suppose it reveals a bit more into who i am as a person, but it is neither essential or important, but i do believe that it is all the little things that make up the greater understanding.

the other night i ate dinner with my sister, her boyfriend, and my brother. And i only bring this up to talk about something else. When the food arrived i started to eat it, of course waiting until everyone’s meals were delivered. But as the food was making its way up to my mouth, i noticed that my brother had started saying grace, and then my sister’s boyfriend started in some silent prayer. My sister just waited until they were done. I sat with food in a mid hover between the table and the open orifice on my face. then they finished and the meal started.

We were raised roman catholic. When i was young, i was an alter boy. and no, there were no insidious or scandalous stories for me to tell you. It was all very normal. We went to church every sunday while i was growing up. we were not the christmas/easter church goers. my siblings and i attended CCD, a sort of sunday school that did not take place on sundays, and we went through most of the sacraments. These relationships have all altered over some course of time for most of us. We were a church going family, so much so that my mom and sisters used to stay after church and hand out donated donuts, while i would eat the donuts and drink lots of juice or lemonade. My older sister became one of the christmas/easter church people. My mom and my brother still go religiously (har har) every sunday. And my other sister recently converted to a christian or baptist or born-again, not quite sure which one or what the difference even is. I became amoral.

I stopped going to church shortly after being confirmed. confirmation is a sacrament, that before me used to be included with baptism, in which you reaffirm your pact with god and the church. So whereas my older sister was confirmed as a baby, I on the other hand went through it at the age of 16. Because of my experience as an alter boy, i was well versed with how mass was recited. the words became like a song to me, and the actions involved became so ingrained. It was in an old traditional style mass, so there was kneeling and standing and sitting and ringing bells during the blessing of the eucharist, and the formal procession, and everything else. But i knew the words of the mass, and as i got older i started thinking less about just reciting them and more what they actually mean. And i had no problem with religion. i have no problem with religion right now either. i have a problem with zealots spouting and enacting their beliefs onto others, but that’s just a general principle. But i got lazy and uninterested. so i slowly stopped going and my mom slowly stopped telling me to go. There had never been any sort of argument from my mom when i stopped going. in fact she never asked why, or pressed the issue. it just sort of dissolved.

I am ambiguous when it comes to morality. I am not moral or immoral, i just am. But i understand what the church has taught me. i understand what it means to be a good person, and how to do those things. I get the thematic overtones of religion. be a good person. be kind. be selfless. I get it. but i am selfish. i do things for me. and in the most roundabout way, everything i do and know is an extension of me. How could it not be? it isn’t about your comprehension of a relationship you have. it is my comprehension of a relationship you have. everything centers around me. it is a matter of perspective. i have no other way to see things except through my own eyes. and this means that i can’t see it from another vantage. i can pretend to do it. i can imagine what it would be like, but that is becomes about me again.


so i am selfish. i want things. i do things. everything in this world of mine is mine in the way that it effects me. I’m good to people because it makes me feel a certain way. sure it might make them happy, but in the end, i derive happiness from their happiness. this works in other ways too, but that is an easy example. i don’t have kids. people that have children don’t think this way. maybe when i do have children my thoughts will change. i am aware that the way i think and feel right now will definitely alter its course as i get older, and as different things enter and leave my life.

i understand the church. i get what it does. but i don’t know that i have a relationship with it, just a comprehension. that’s why i don’t go. that’s why i don’t practice. i could go and pretend and recite and act the way i am supposed to in church, but it’s not real. there’s nothing there. i don’t know if i still believe in god. i think that there is something greater than me, that for as amazing as i think i am, i feel that there is more to this world than what i am and what i have seen. but is that god? not in any conventional sense.



my sister and i had a conversation about this a while back. she thought that it was sad that i had lost my faith. she said that she would pray for me. i was indifferent to it. I told her that i understand what church is supposed to teach, that my capacity of belief in the human spirit still exists, in the desire for nothingness as being an ultimate level of achievement, and that i feel i don’t need to follow something so literally because in the end it is about my perspective and my context. she didn’t agree with me. I don’t feel like i’m missing anything, that i’ve overlooked anything, having been on both sides(sort of).



i believe in love. and hate. i don’t know what happens when i die. i decompose and rot and all that. in my heart, i want to fade away into nothingness. i want to just not function anymore, and become a part of the ether. in this world, this living place, full of function and activity and stimulation, i want to believe that the end really could be an end. that it could just let me go and let me never have to feel or think or be. that sounds grand. and i know that i’ll remain in the people who’s lives i’ve touched and shared with. that people will love me after i’ve gone. i know this because i have this in my heart. and that is real. love is real. my feelings right now are real. that’s all i have. that’s all i have to offer. i don’t know anything else.

waiting for something.

so i’m still waiting for that moment to come. i should be beside her now. this is my life. this is what i worked for. but there is something missing. she was laying down beside me talking herself towards slumber, telling me about her day, and i wanted nothing to do with it. She told me about how some kids at her school would act or behave, and how she interacts with them. I assume she is growing more comfortable in her role as an educator. more comfortable and more confident. but i just don’t care about her analysis of her students. really i don’t care about her students. but that is her life. those are the things that she invests herself into. and i don’t really want anything to do with that. i couldn’t bring myself to listen, so i threw a pillow over my head and gave generic responses at the proper moment to show that i was at least paying attention, even though i wanted not to. i am considerate, i think. wouldn’t it be better to just tell her i don’t care about that. i don’t think so. but it would be honest. but while we laid there, in what was the first time we had been with each other for over a month, we were just cold to each other. i miss her. it hurts to write this. i wanted her to reach out to me and want me to throw my arms around her. i’m not talking about sex. sex is nice, but there’s something else. i want that comfort and intimacy. i want to feel her lungs expand with air and then deflate. i wanted her to want me. but that moment never came. she fell asleep. i rested my hand against her back and there was no response. no acknowledging that i existed. she didn’t even ask me how i was doing. she had only arrived two hours before, only to start watching a movie with my sister, then headed off to bed. she talked at me for a bit and then fell asleep.



I hate this. I love her, but i really hate this. hate is such a strong word. but how can i want to be this way, and even more still, how much worse would i or it be if i were indifferent to this situation. I am not happy. i am not sure if she makes me happy. what would it take to make it the way i want. the way it used to be. would it be worth losing her, only to realize that i truly missed her once she was gone. is that real? that seems so stupid to me. isn’t that how distance is supposed to function. absence and the heart and fondness and all that stuff. these are the words that i want to tell her. these are the words that i assume she is thinking or feeling as well.


and maybe i do make her happy. maybe she is so satisfied with the state of us that she feels no need to express it. she is so confident in our state. those ideas make me feel stupid as well. am i that needy, that insecure, that i need to be stroked and coddled.


i am


I do


tell me you love me. show me. let that love manifest itself. don’t make me tell you that i need this. you should already know. i’ll swallow my pride, i’ll be that meek thing. i’ll tell you i need this. now tell me. now show. you have no desire for me anymore. at least that’s how it feels. How can i continue to want someone, who i feel wants nothing of me? that’s a real question. i can’t figure it out. it hurts, the pain is almost too much. i can only give everything i have, and once that’s gone, once you stop wanting that/me, what do i have left to offer? what more can i give to a person who wants nothing i have.


this is what it feels like. this is what i imagine it’s like to be on the receiving end of having someone really fall out of love with you. I have had my heartbroken many a time. they were always passionate, mainly because they were unexpected and so sudden, and often in the middle of something that i thought would end up being more. but this, this is different.


this is bleeding out and watching it all fade away. this feels worse. this feels like numbness setting in and wrapping it’s grip around your being. i don’t want this. i have such an icy stare. i have such a tainted heart. i don’t ache anymore. not for this. and i don’t know if i feel genuinely sad, or sad at the fact that i’m not sure that i am actually sad, but more guilty for feeling somewhat indifferent to this situation.


And the crazy thing about this all, is that this is how it feels right now. that this feeling can change, that i can be fickle, and the world could be marvelous tomorrow, and i would have a renewed outlook. it’s frustrating to think that i can dive so low. fall so far away from love.


this is my fault. this is my brain working this way. do i set myself up for disaster by wanting something in a way in which i think it should be. is that crazy to feel that way. to want love to continue to be love the way i hoped it would always be. that’s what i want every single fucking moment of my fucking life. why wouldn’t i. why the fuck wouldn’t i want that extreme thing. at this point i just want to feel something. anything to replace this thing. it’s so real, this nothingness. it’s messing with my mind and making me stammer and have a hard time with words.


i want a solution.



until then i wait, and maybe it’ll be okay.

And then there was one.

As we talked into the wee hours of the morning, it was decided that we were to be honest and open. she and i would not let this revelation of my attempts to conceal my life alter our interaction. but a part of me feels that it has. in a way, the newness of everything allows for myriad changes to occur. and there is no steady course. not yet. so there are alterations to be expected and anticipated, without any clue what they may be specifically. but as we talked about, well as i talked about and explained my relationship with my other, she told me to go to her and talk and reaffirm my love and hers to me. and i want that. so i am here. and i have yet to approach that subject and force that moment. but force is too strong of a word, and its inflection is incapable of not sounding contrived. but i believe that i and all my actions are as contrived as possible. i want to be intentional. i want what i do to be the things that i wanted done by myself. but i am waiting for the opportunity to say that i want to be in love with her. still be in love with her, but there in lies the dilemma. always waiting for the chance to have that life with her while in fact losing that life slowly piece by piece. and forcing that moment is akin to a square peg in a round hole. but i wait alone for the moment she lets me not be alone.

but something else as well. i think about her. ini. and maybe in the same way but reversed, it might be easier to try and not think of her while i am away. but that forced mode of operation seems deliberate to a fault. am i really that involved, or rather is she that integrated, into my synapses that i have to try to not think of her.

and yet more as well. in an effort towards full disclosure and honesty, i admitted these writings. i exposed this prose. did i scare her away with my thoughts. i’m a man and she is a woman. the honesty is that my brain and body think of her. the words of my lips are real thoughts. but, and in no way am i hedging because i am always one to jump down a slippery slope, i do not objectify her. my relationship with women is one of respect and normalcy. being raised by a mom and having sisters as figures of authority and people i respect for their honesty and love, imbued me with a compassion towards women that i don’t normally have. and it is not derived towards a belief of the ‘fairer sex’, while in fact i do feel strong and powerful, my mom is much more impressive then me, as are my sisters. and i am their hired muscle if need be, but they are more than capable. but i digress. in fact i will start a new paragraph because it is strange to talk about my family then talk about someone else.

she is pretty. how can i not notice that. she is soft to the touch. and without moving through the list of senses and how she engages each one, i will let that remain in my brain, and allow you reader to jump to logical associations. she is a thing. a thing that exists in real space, but by no means is she an object. she contains more anima(even if she is not religious at all) then that. by which i mean she is a person with stuff clonking around on the inside of her. but beyond all that she is this physical manifestation of cells and molecules clumped together in a way that is extraordinary. and i am apt to observe and take note of it. and so it is that ideas become conjured based on these observations. but nothing too insidious, or insidious at all. relatively benign and normal.

i am better off not thinking at all. but this dumb brain of mine thinks of things on its own. and in the quiet of the night, left alone with only my thoughts to occupy my time, my mind thinks what it wants and wanders where it will, not where i will it to wander. and those thoughts are so much an ever cascading cavalcade of ideas and concepts, that at times i wish i was only really capable of dreaming of the dregs of days come and gone.

so much alliteration, it wasn’t intentional at first, but then…

So then it opens up.

As the moment progressed, i neared the moment when the girl ini and i would suffer from some distance. Because of extenuating circumstances, we were never afforded the opportunity to spend any real time together. but a moment came in the waning hours of us in each other’s company (at least over the phone) before we entered an extended break from each other. But not to say that we won’t talk over the holidays. In fact we will more than likely talk continually or even see each other at some point. but that’s besides the point.

what i had suspected was true. she had known what i had known for quite some time, and she was waiting for me to say the things that i needed to say. and i was waiting for her to give me some indication that what i assumed was not just conjured in my head. i told her my feelings and that it was hard to have those feelings. but what was harder was the ability to continue and follow through those thoughts that were connected. it was difficult for me to force that next step. it was scary. the idea that this could all dissolve so rapidly and without any chance for me to do something or enact some sort of action to rally against it’s demise, frightened me. i really was beginning to feel more open to the idea that this was an avenue in my life that was worth acknowledging and understanding. making sure to stop and really take in all the information, and put myself out there in a way that is becoming of someone who is bold and full of life. vim and vigor. but scary nonetheless.

did she force my hand? in a way, i suppose she did. i could not, can not afford to lose her, to not have her trust in the things i said to her. and the longer i kept it in, the more i felt i was lying to her. i’m not even concerned with lying to myself, i admit that i arrived to this point in my life by lying to myself, by believing that i was capable of being something i was never before. of being a person i was not ashamed of being. i fooled myself into making me better. does that make me less? does revealing the little man behind the curtain make the wizard less important. it didn’t change who i am, it only allowed me to let me be me in a way that felt/feels like i function. but i wanted to tell her. wanted to reveal my life away from this new life that was populated by her. and i did. and i don’t know what happened. and i do know.

it is so mortifying. how do i admit to a person i hardly know, that i have feelings for them, that i have a relationship, that it doesn’t change the fact that i have feelings for them, that i would raze the world i have just to raise a new one in its stead (or at least seriously considered it), and that i am this terrible thing i never thought i would be. i can’t get her out of my head. and besides, i don’t want her to leave my brain. i want this in there. i want this confusion. she told me that she wanted to be heartbroken, and i understand that because i want the same thing.

Well what else is there.

i am nothing if not sincere. and i sincerely care about two different people. not including myself. I have previously mentioned a life away from the life i am currently living. that one seems so far away, as if that was a long time ago. but the truth is that it is actually a very current life. one filled with people and things that matter to me. but one that is far away still. it’s been 3 years since i lived my life elsewhere. that is a long time to be away, sure i go back for vacations and summers, but what mattered most, what made me go back is hardly a what and more of a who.

There’s someone else in my life. up to this point we have been together for roughly 5 years. a good long while by any measure except against the measure of lasting marriages. but that being said, that is where this is headed. we had had rough patches in the past, but for a moment she met someone who used to occupy her life, maybe remet is a better thing, and she fell in love. and i was alone away from her, with no way to show her that she mattered to me. it was painful when she said she was in love with someone other than me, that she was capable of dividing that feeling. i could not fathom that thought, i could not think that there was someone that was more worthwhile than me. so i ran to her and told her how i felt, and all that did was push her further away. and she went further and further, until i realized i could not try to drag her back. that if that was the choice she wanted, i could do nothing but be me and love her the only way i knew, and if she did not want it, well then, too bad for me. so i let go. i said that i loved her but it was clear that this was not going to happen, that i could not twist her arm hard enough to make her fall back in love with me. so i released my grasp and turned away. and she ran back to me.

A few months later, under the guise of a refreshed love and the feeling that this must be the next logical step, we became engaged. and that is nice, was nice, still is nice. we knew that we were together and had found our trust in each other, and found that we calmed each other as much as excited one another. but that just helped in the moments we were kept apart from circumstance. And in that comfort of trust through distance, we began to forget one another all over again. it came to a point that when we were together, within each others proximity, it was foreign and alien. we were better together when we were apart than when we were together.

the saddest thing of all this is that we both agree. but feelings are still there and love and all its devices are still there. We believe, at least i believe, that once we are back together for good, we will find each other again. but at the same time i don’t know, and i’m not sure.

by all means this makes me a heel. i feel terrible to want to actively fall for someone else. there is no desire of revenge, just the desire to want to share feelings with someone again. have i grown accustomed to my other, do i trust too much, with blind faith that she will be there, and equally her to i. isn’t that what we strive for. isn’t that what we want. I vote yes. but then why, why do i start creating emotions, or allow emotions to be created.

i have status and information that has made me and my past blatantly obvious. but the subject has yet to come up. ini, she is no dumb thing, she is observant and calculated and smart. she by all means knows. but is she as scared as i am that the moment the subject of my life away comes up, it makes what we have wrong, it forces us to stop this slow burn. is she hanging on to threadbare ideas as strongly and tightly as i am. i don’t want to let go. i don’t want to lose her. i don’t want to loose her. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to. i could hang on to you forever. i could fall in love with you days ago.

But i am afraid.

we’re nearing an ending point.

so we are reaching a culmination. not really about me and the girl ini. but in a sense it is. I am approaching the start of a long vacation. once i leave i am basically on a return flight to my old life. back to a place without this girl, without letting her occupy my thoughts. what do i do. do i go to her in secret. i want to . she wants me to meet people. people she knows. up until this time we have been shrouded in some sort of secrecy. she had casually mentioned me to others, maybe only through actions. by stealing away for a few moments to talk with me on the phone. Her friends know me now. they don’t know me know me. they know of me. and that troubles me. they know that we know each other. they know that we have, what i presume to be, that we have made eyes for one another. that we are invested in each other. They want to be invested with her as well. they want a controlling stake. i do too. but not really. i want her to think of me, to want to know me. i don’t want control. i like the idea that this entire thing is out of my, our control, that these feelings are for real and bigger than either one of us had intended. not really able to intend how you’ll feel towards someone.

but she keeps me at a distance. she is, i don’t know, afraid of jumping in head first. And i can’t blame her, this is a thing of failure. but oh, what a great failure of a romance it would be. and she is divided between other things and other people, as am i. if only if only.

i could run away. i could start all over with this, with her. i have something to keep right now, but i really am curious to know if this or that is what i want to keep.

give me the chance to tell you what’s really happening in my heart and head, face to face, with my voice and my eyes.

am i on a ticking clock, do i feel desperation, do i want to to speed this up. i want to hang on to what i have and find out what i don’t.

Hello random reader.

This is such a plea of desperation. I have such a low readership, but that’s ok, i suppose this is meant for someone specific, and their eyes. I want her to read this and see how i think behind the outer acceptable persona. But hopefully you read this too. Let me know if it resonates or tugs on your heart strings. Please feel free to comment if you come across it. or don’t comment but give it a chance, the words might mean something. I’m trying to be sincere. Just know that we are not alone.

dream of dreaming

it’s hard to know if i dream, much like the way i’m not sure if i snore. I suppose i do, but just can’t remember if i do. maybe not so much like the snoring thing, i don’t know if i’m snoring because i’m asleep when it happens, but everyone says i do, so i guess i do. but dreaming i don’t know. i can’t remember it when i wake up. i wish i could dream. I heard that taking magnesium makes dreams more vivid, and if they were more vivid they’d last in my brain longer.

i feel lazy today. i wish i was in bed.

i want to see what i dream about. if i dreamt of ini what would that entail. what would i concoct. i’ve never dreamt of people i actually know. i want to tap into that and see where it takes me. try to view my unconscious desires or the way i go through the info in my day and make it all congeal. this is a dumb post.

she has had dreams of me. but nothing romantic i don’t think. but dreams nonetheless. she has yet to be candid or forthcoming about her feelings. i know that this feels like a losing battle. but she keeps on talking to me, she keeps on wanting me to tell her more, so i’m pretty sure she feels something more than something simple, and that she just isn’t ready to tell me. i’m afraid of her, of being around her, because i would kiss her and that would just be a disaster. not that i’m a bad kisser, actually i’m pretty good, and she looks kissable and is probably not bad either. just that kissing her would lead to more and more kissing and things and things and this is not starting to sound so bad actually.

daydreams are as close to dreams as i have. i want to whisper to her lips and lips to mine. i want to taste her lipstick. run my hand through her hair. smell her skin. we do some of these things already. this is turning out to be not a mystery at all, it seems so obvious. it’s just watching and waiting for things to happen. just moments passing until something catastrophic occurs. this is the boredom patrol after all.

So we shall speed the hand of truth

After the debacle of last night in the earlier half, i sat in my studio making work for a good long while. i was deliberate and decisive, but the work was slow going. i had not talked to, (i really should name her) the girl that has been occupying my brain. Let’s name her now. Ini, like eenie meenie minie moe, is a fantastic girl who is equally as confused on the topics of love and all that as i am. she is much much younger than me, and does not hesitate to make sure that i am well aware of that. We had spent much time in the past together, and only recently over a phone conversation did i admit that i liked her, but maybe that sounded more like a crush of some sort. I’m not sure if she responded to that. but we quickly changed topics not before postulating that i would be in danger in some way if i did and it was not mentioned after.

Last night though, after nothing and sitting and stirring in my head and putting down all these thoughts, the only coherent ones in a long night of being bombarded by my own brain, we talked. not really talked but it was close. but i hedged and admitted i was going crazy without revealing why it was i was what i was. and after working up the nerve i told her that i wanted her and that she wanted me and it sucks that we can’t be what we should be, not matter how bad i want that to happen. and i want that to happen so so so bad it aches my heart. and i want it to happen so so so bad that i contemplate trying. and i want it to happen. i told her that beyond being a crush that i was starting to care for her, not even starting just that i care so deeply about her. this wonderful thing this marvelous thing of a person. i want to steal her away. but i have so much more to say and i have the desire to see her face and reach out to her hand, and that is even scarier. and more exciting.

so much more to say so much more to do.and she was unsure of how to respond, and on one hand that’s fine, keep me in mystery never let me know, let me hang on to my hope and dream, let me reach my lips out to nothing and feel your imaginary lips and let me remember your smell. let me keep you in my dreams. at least i;d have that. on the other hand admit to me the truth break my heart and dash my spirit, let me know that i feel let me know let me know. oh how i want you so.i spent the better part of the day dreaming, or maybe daydreaming, of you. thinking how it would function to hold you tight to whisper the secrets that i no longer want to keep in your ear. i want you to fall asleep in my arms and let them know that they do what they do because they’re supposed to do that. folded across your back holding you in place . no words are as strong as these. i’m falling for you, without saying it outright the direction of the fall is headed towards what we all expect.