exasperation makes it intolerable, maybe in sleeping, satisfaction yields our unrest.

i need to get out of my car. i have over the course of three days, with one day left, have travelled back and forth and back and forth, between here and there. i am slightly road weary and my back hurts, but all in all i am fine. i feel healthy. the road has been kind so far (knock on wood), and the time has given me ample opportunity to not think about the things i normally think about. but i do think about them when i stop. when the wheels come to a halt and i find myself with a moment to relax, i think of her. in my imagination, i envision a quite conversation, maybe no conversation at all. just the chance to be beside her and put my hand across her. the horizon fights logic and its horizontalness, and becomes a far away vertical. the sounds of the street in the background, all i hear is warmth. all i see is the soft glow of lights outside, and that might still be too harsh for my tired eyes. i want to pretend i’m looking at you, so i do.

whatever happened between then and now, is probably for the best.

the thing that i find is the most problematic with writing semi frequent entries about my life, is the fact that the introspection allows for too much time to occur. Constantly thinking about how to sum up a day or twos worth of information has made time crawl by. there feels like there should be something happening between entries. And life is suspended waiting for the moments of profoundness. And writing about waiting for those moments only helps in amplifying the lull and the waiting. i forget that this is the boredom patrol. i forget that this is partly the reason it’s named what it is. Often times that lull is far to pronounced. it makes my skin crawl.

In all actuality i did not really feel this way a day ago. A day ago i was back home, well home being where i am from originally, seeing life get ready to start without me there. getting ready to get back to my life up here, wherever it is that i am. Such definite things happening. i know what happened today, i know why i feel this way. i was able to see how desperate i was. it drove me mad. in short i got bored. Now i have this sinking feeling, sort of justified, but in all honesty too soon to rush to that judgement. I need to let myself get away from over thinking this situation i am in. I know this, knew this. i need to occupy my time. i need life to take over my life.

It’s too soon to tell what is happening. i need to not rush and just wait and see. i need to let life take place, and i need to stop looking so hard.

i’ll give you time if you promise to hurry up.

but who am i kidding, i’ll wait my turn, with my hands folded and silent. at least not out loud in real space. this here is my brain, so i’ll think in the open.

Everything must ideally integrate without any noise towards youth or understanding.

i can’t help but laugh at my situation. i am responsible, i am the one who enacted this, that got the ball rolling. i am a victim of my own designs. love is not what i had set out for it to be. it is not the thing i anticipated.


i was youthfully exuberant. i was confused and alone. i believed i knew what love really was. and i do not discredit the feelings i thought i had, or alter the word i used to describe those feelings. love. i thought it was love, long ago, i thought i was in love. before any of this. before building up a lasting relationship. i used to believe that i was in love with other people. i didn’t know any better. i thought that that was what love was. and it was. but that, or those, narrow definitions of love were forever changing. and i was unable to see how it would alter over time. i was too engrossed, too involved, too close to what was happening, that i did not have enough distance, or experience mind you, to really know. I admit that now i have only slightly more distance than back then, but it is slight at best, so my knowledge of the subject is flawed.


but i thought i was in love. and that is all that mattered/ matters. i wanted to be in love. it something that hasn’t changed. i want to know that feeling. i want to know that idea. to all the other girls i was involved with, however brief or drawn out, i fell for them. i was a young boy, head over heels with the idea of being with someone. i felt so undeserved of that. it was always a surprise to me that people would want me. and in my eagerness i probably ruined a lot of things that could have been something else. my feelings became overgrown and far too abundant in too small of a space or time, that it more than likely frightened people away. i still probably do that. i don’t think that will ever change. i want to be bold with this thing called love. i want to make the same mistakes and make them grander and larger and with more feeling. i want love to grow. exponentially.


i think of how crazy i was to believe that i was in love. looking back i know better that what those things were would barely qualify as forms of love, but it was something that needed to happen. all that failure was exactly what i needed. what had to happen to get me to this point.

and where am i now?

well, what a pickle i am in. what a conundrum i had created for myself. i find myself in a lasting relationship questioning being in it. unsure of where i belong. sure that i love her, but wavering on how lasting this might actually be. i am having a crisis of confidence. i don’t know if this is what i want any more. but equally i am afraid of letting go. seeing what we worked so hard to hang on to disappear. it was worth holding on to in the first place. so shouldn’t it be worth something now. one would think so. but i am not sure. this is not math. this is not truth. it is mutable. and on top of that, it is different for the players involved. is it worth seeing through to see if it makes it, or is love worth running away from as much as it is running towards?


then there is the issue of this new person. and this is entirely one sided. this is my vantage, not hers. i think we have special qualities that makes this interaction, between her and i, an amazing thing. a thing of awe inspiring magnitude. even if it is hidden and quite and lopsided. this boy (me) is incapable of dreaming, actual dreams, but i can fathom and fabricate better than most. i want her in a way that might have frightened her off. and that is my own fault. i believe that i am doing the right thing. i am following my heart. i am lost. but i have faith that i will figure this out. i know that i will do things that are true to who i am and how i feel.


after all the lights go dark where will i find us. will you be there if i ask you? i’m not sure who i’m asking. i think myself. i would like some clarity along with clairvoyance. i would like to know what i might do next. it’s scary and exciting.


but this is no game. this is my life. this is someone else’s life. and this is someone else’s life.


i don’t want to hurt anyone. i want to fill people with happiness. and love.


but the new person, who knows what she thinks of all this. does it matter, does it change things? yes. i suppose it does. i think she should have the world. i think it’s hers, and i want to do everything i can to help her. nobody knows but her. i guess i do.


i have no secrets any more. my life is open and ready to be examined. ready for the dissection table.


i’m afraid of what i’ve done. i’m afraid of running her off. all i know is her pretty face. distance and circumstance keep me at bay. my heart is exposed. it might have been too much to handle, i don’t have a real grasp on it.



in the middle of the night, i think of her. this is our time, the time that we share with one another. where we could reveal ourselves. it is the chance for me to be the person i want to be in front of her. daylight alters things. it makes me hide. makes me believe that there is something to hide. i suppose that the desire to hide should tell me something. i haven’t thought about it enough.


i can’t see the future. i never could. i was always smart enough to at least attempt to create some foresight. but i can’t see my future. i don’t know where i’ll be. i don’t know how i’ll get there. i try to think of every possible permutation to life, and all that gives me is a headache. living only in the moment, or essentially only in the moment, is not all that great. i wish i could see me in 5 years, i have an idea of possibilities, but no certainty that any one of those is where my life will lead me.

i’m ready to tell you how i feel. are you ready to listen?

i’m afraid of what i might say.

This one will know how far that we’ll go.

i used to be younger. a lot of the time i feel like i haven’t really aged all too much since my early 20s. I just saw some pictures of myself and my other when we first started our romantic endeavor. It really was a long time ago. We were quite young, quite inexperienced at each other, quite experienced in other things, quite damaged, quite looking to find a way to repair that damage. That time, looking back from 5 or so years later, seemed so drastic. Not just her and i, but everything felt amazing. I had the entire world out there and i had the desire to prove to it that i was this person i am now. Now i feel like i am at this point where i am who i set out to be, at least in the short term. i am intelligent about things i knew nothing about but wanted to know back then, i achieved my trajectory and goal, insofar as the realistic non-chance goal. i still have that to strive for, but the real thing i’ve done. But i was a lot younger back then. so wide eyed and so willing to go a bit crazy and try extra hard to convince everyone, especially myself, that the things i was setting out to do were worthwhile endeavors.


i don’t have that same level of riskiness. I don’t think i miss it, i like knowing more, feeling like i am at a superior place than where i started out at. That’s progress yes?


I am finally feeling better. i feel strength coming back, and i feel muscles aching, no more numb dullness over my body. my body wants to stretch itself out. i’m excited that i don’t feel like crap any longer. i want to lay in my bed with a purpose other than misery. i want to throw my arms around someone and get warm and cozy. i want to fill my silent nights with the sound of someone else existing in the same space.

Thinking back to those early moments, the tenderness, the way we wanted to be in each other’s embrace. It made the days go by. too fast for my liking, not long enough to enjoy the single solitary moments. But there was always the prospect of the next day with a new activity or thing to engage in. But i never wanted to leave those moments. Sometimes it is still perfect like that. Not nearly often enough. Even when we’re together we live different lives.

I am sort of exhausted on this topic. I feel like i am in a moment of static, where a lot of things happened just a few days or weeks ago, and a lot of things are about to happen in the next few days or weeks. But right now, i am in a holding pattern. I have a lot of things to do, but i don’t want to do them just yet, i want to get this life that i jumped back to, started and going. Maybe it’s idiotic to put parts of it on hold until it starts up. In fact it is. But i want to talk to a girl. i want to not think about things by myself. i want to hear what she has to say. in reality it was only a few weeks, but it really felt like such a long time. And thinking about it as i write this, because i sometimes try to think about what i’m writing, i’m not even thinking about talking about me and her, feelings and all that stuff, that’s still there, but i just want to know how she is. it’s funny. i just want to hear how her christmas was, how her new years was. Not funny ha ha, the other one. strange. i suppose that that is the effect of friendliness and friendship. i am not the type of person who has lots of friends, rather i have only a few who are very close.


and in a change, a turn of attitude and a bit of a breath to take a moment and rediscover my direction, i will share with you a playlist i was working on. ini asked me to make her a c.d. to help her associate these moments with the songs that i was playing, the only thing was that all of the c.d.s i played were already mixes i made thinking of her. All those c.d.s were yours. every song was thought of with her in the back of my head, and here is another one or five. sorry to make the page long.

Keep You Around Dominic Castillo
Intuition version 2 Feist
Hey, Hermano TV shows- Arrested Development
WOMAN Toru & Kojima
The Rah band – Clouds across the moo Freestyle
Parentheses The Blow
Polite Dance Song The Bird & The Bee
We Walk The Same Line Everything But The Girl
Justine, Beckoning Apostle Of Hustle
Heretics Andrew Bird
The Weakest Part Yo La Tengo
Winter On Victoria Street The Clientele
Flight of the Conchords – If Youre Into It Flight of the Conchords
Sing Me Spanish Techno The New Pornographers
Track 03 Broken Social Scene
Evil Interpol
Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts Wolf Parade
Banged And Blown Through Saul Williams
Good (Featuring Trife Da God & Mr. Maygreen) Ghostface Killah
Museum Pick Up Picking Up Girls Made Easy!
song 4 Carrie and fred
Wie A Glockn Marianne Mendt
Bookshop Casanova The Clientele
voku0161 Killdahype
bleep_mountain(the-op.com) TV shows- Arrested Development
Sensual Seduction (Dirty) Snoop Dogg
Tram 21 Electrelane
Black History Month Death From Above 1979
Kiss Kiss Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Unknown Title Unknown Artist
Little Babies Sleater-Kinney
All My Friends Broken Social Scene
Her Pretty Face The Apples in Stereo
Oh Yoko John Lennon
Track 06 Jason Collett
Rich Girl Hall & Oates
Cut And Run Electrelane
My Favourite Book Stars
The Men Who Live Upstairs The Most Serene Republic
My Skies Were Black (But You Made Them Grey) Jeffrey Bland
Music For Children’s Activities Sound 8
Burnt Rubber Ruby Short and his Dragsters
Smokestack Lightning ‘68 Howlin’ Wolf
Aynotchesh Yererfu The Budos Band
1976 RJD2
Phonometrics Isotope 217
All I Do Is Think of You Jackson 5
Holla Ghostface Killah
Sexual Chocolates Coming To America
Wet Blanket Metric
The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Skip to the End The Futureheads
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb Spoon
Breakin’ Up Rilo Kiley
High Tide The Apples in Stereo
Track09 that dog
This Is A Song The Magic Numbers
Diggin in the Carpet Jason Collett
Trampoline Calamine
The Good Times Are Killing Me Modest Mouse
is there a ghost Band of horses
More Than This Bill Murray
Carnival On 7th Street The Clientele
It’s Cool to Love Your Family Feist
Love You Inside Out The Bee Gees
Say It Isn’t So Hall & Oates
Little Red Corvette Prince
Too Young Phoenix
Track09 RJD2
17 tamaki hirooki – new rhythm various
Breath and Start Blockheads
06 Track 6 Radiohead
Fake Empire The National
Romulus Sufjan Stevens
These Eyes The Guess Who
Feel Like Making Love Rosemary Bailey
Making Days Longer RJD2
What Me Worry St. Vincent
Track 07 Apostle Of Hustle
I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) Stevie Wonder
Big Love Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew
Mea Bloanasir Sigur Ros
Tbtf Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew
Gigantic Pixies
Track 06 kings of leon
Love Me Like You The Magic Numbers
Track03 that dog
When Your Man Is Wild Craig Wedren And Rashida Jones
Something Special for the Ladies Flight of the Conchords
Needles And Pins Johnny Arthey Orchestra
Amen Brother The Winstons
Trick Bag The Artesians
The Overly Dramatic Truth El-P
Let Me Ride Dr. Dre
Track08 mos def
It Could Be Sweet Portishead
Darkest Light Dusty Fingers
so so def bass allstars – my boo So So Def Bass Allstars
PIzza Party Tom Goes to the Mayor
Much Love Toru & Kojima

Tip toe through our fantastic thoughts for a little while longer.

I am still in a haze of the last gasp of illness. not quite clear or lucid, but still able to function in a capacity that allows me to feel the need to write and say something. try to be productive. Is this what passes for productivity? maybe productivity of the self, maybe some sort of sorting somethings out. but i don’t want to think that this could end, that the topics i’ve started to discuss have a vanishing point, some sort of terminal where they end at. But i know that they do, such is life. but i can be romantic towards that sentiment, i could feel so strongly that i want these things to last forever. i want to believe that forever is true.

under the cover of night i arrived by water to the life i had set up in a solitary fashion. not with any fan fare, no trumpets were sounded, no parade in my honor. i will never have a parade in my honor. i am not that person. i don’t want to be that person. heroism isn’t something that should be done for fan fare. i’d like to think that heroism is done anonymously or at least privately and away from public adulation. i would do amazing things for people. i want to be amazing to people. that is what i want to be to them. i think i can do that so i try to do that. i think i am an amazing thing capable of amazingness. I don’t want a parade. i do want people i affect to want me in their presence. but in the late evening in a sheet of rain, no one is out, only people making their ways to places they would rather be. I returned.

is this home. was my home, the one of my childhood and young adulthood, home while i was there, back for a few weeks checking in with my life i left behind. is this new place, my room with a bad bed and a narrow window my home. is this where i live my life. I am still having a hard time coming to grips with this notion. i feel reluctant to finally commit to it now that it is finally comfortable enough for me to commit to. my first few years were hard here. i wanted to be anywhere else. meeting people only made me miss the people i had back home. but now, i’ve been here for long enough. these are my people. some of them. i still have the other ones. but i missed that bar that laid horizontally across my back when in bed, the silence of outside my sliver of a window. the nothingness of this place i’m in is so vast. it’s so easy to see how finding someone special through all of the nothingness can amplify how special she is. like a match in complete darkness. something as small as a flicker can catch your eye from miles away. this amazingly strong effect.

ini (not her real name) is no small flicker of a tiny match. more like some sort of halogen spot light. maybe i am delusional. hahaha. i didn’t trick myself into having feelings for her. those just came naturally. in a moment, perhaps in our first conversation, while we talked away the hours sitting at that table across from one another, those grey walls, that grey light coming down through the windows in the ceilings, skylights i think they’re called, i knew that you were amazing. i saw in you something so alarming. i saw in her something so alarming. i saw a level of sharpness and wit combined with an innocence, not to be read as youthful ignorance but a genuine innocence, that i had not seen in another person. i knew right then and there, as the words came out of her mouth, that the world wasn’t ready for her. that we’d all be playing catch up to that thing she already was, even back then. Ahead of the curve? she was the earth mover carving the road, the city planner. she is. and she still doesn’t know. not yet. not ever. she can only hear those words from others. she can’t believe them, she shouldn’t. it’s not her person.


And i talk about this because it feels like forever ago. that sterile meeting ground. the formica table and wooden chairs of that center. that conversation. that was sort of the start of it all. downhill uphill? i prefer downhill thank you. downhill is good. at least i think so. on a bike on skis. water flowing down finding the best way possible. moving around and over surfaces. but back to a time frame. my mind has wandered. it feels like a long time ago. but i talk about it because it was only a year ago in real time. i’ve known her for such a short duration in either of our lives, but now she is so important to me. and that never ceases to impress me, the ability of humans to reorganize their lives and integrate other new things into it. i used to feel, when i was young and wanting so hard to be loved and wanted in a way that i thought i should be, that ‘who was i to think i could fit into a persons life.’ all i could hope for was to be included and be a periphery to the cogs of their actual life. i would have taken that, i would have settled for it. I’m glad that it never happened. but i felt before that maybe people didn’t want me because they just could not fit me within their existing life. i know that that’s not true. they didn’t want be because they didn’t want me. it seems so simple that it is stupid to say out loud, but i think that that was one of the hardest things to learn or still try to learn even now. and to those of you on the not liking end, i say this, just because you don’t like us doesn’t mean we stop liking you. we might have to fool ourselves into thinking that we hate you, but the reality is that we just hate that we can’t stop liking you. but you knew this already didn’t you.





so then what of the other, the girl back home? i don’t know. in the waning days of our oncoming distance, we just enjoyed each other’s company. knowing that we were there together right then and there and maybe that could be enough. but in the backs of our heads our problems still loom. there’s a frankness there now. she told me that she feels that this is the year that we break up. i looked at her and she looked at me. she said it wasn’t for a while. and then she laughed. i couldn’t help but laugh too. it was hard to know if that is how she actually feels or if it was a joke, or if it was just to see if i was paying attention. i’m still thinking of that so other than saying that that moment took place, i have no insight. i can’t be decided in just a short moment . after spending so much of our lives together, after rearranging those cogs and making each other fit, it’s hard to think of a function without.



but now i am away, or back, however it goes, and nothing is really resolved, not that i expected it to be. today was a crazy spiral and for as outside of myself as i felt, it was actually quite sobering and had such a level of gravity that has tuckered me out. plus now i get to see ini. i know not what i say, so writing helps me remember


tell me.

the time is now.

i am still sick and there is a definite countdown to a return to a different way of life. i have so much to say. i just want you to stick with me. just let me rest and get better and i will come back with a fury of words and thoughts. in the mean time a short anecdote.

i’ve been sick for over a week. i am just slowly disintegrating, waiting for the moment that i can rise up from my own ashes. a proverbial phoenix. but i am dreading heading back. i am tired and ill prepared and have only a couple things on my mind, some of which will catapult me back into my conundrum.

all it took was one call and 3 words(not the big 3 words). i heard them and they rang in my head. if only for my sickness i could have stayed there and let those words become futile. let me stop having the same feeling. it’s all i needed at that very moment. i miss you too.

in a converse way, i am excited to go back. to see people and go back to the life that i have carved for myself. it feels like this is what should be happening.