ahhhhhhhhhh
it has been a bit of a harrowing week/month/season/year(so far)/time of your choosing. I am exhausted both internally and externally. But maybe for the first time in a long time things seemed to be alright. It feels like i have made a living sitting in my car. my new/old car. it is trustworthy and reliant and fulfills my needs and demands, and it has been fantastic. but it is not my car in the sense that i wanted it. i needed it definitely, but i desire my old car. i miss it, but my old one will be back soon. but this is just about cars. in the moment that i wrote this i reread it and decided as if i was making an allusion to something else, maybe using new and old cars as surrogates, and i say that i am in fact not doing that, and only talking about my cars in actuality right now. but yes, sitting in my car. i have to say that i am not a fan of it. i realized last night that i have yet to spend more than 3 days in any one location this entire year. i’ve been splitting my time because of small reasons and gigantic reasons. most recently gigantic.
but driving late at night, late is better because it keeps me away from traffic, and living out of a bag, or several bags. and seeing people, but not spending time with people is making me go a bit out of my head. i feel like my life is not happening to me right now. this is someone else, at least something else. but unlike my previous post, my on-the-road-ness did not truly allow me the time to not think about things (read: her), really it only served to make me think of her harder. to concentrate on her, on this girl that i had felt had slipped from my view.
maybe my view has altered over the course of time because of everything that has been happening in my life. It’s been hard to maintain any consistency in reference to the way that i had come to know my life recently. But it does feel like things are happening and it does feel like i am acclimating to it or that life is coming back to a more normal pace.
what did i think about specifically? I’m not sure that i know. there was a lot going on. There was more of a generic feeling of missing her. it feels like i could not can not say that enough.. that i really missed her. as if she was missing from my life, from a routine that i had grown accustomed to. and that feeling of having something lost only helps in magnifying the level of helplessness in the face of it all. it felt truly overwhelming. But there was some clarity that was gained through all of this. I’ll admit that i would like even more, that what i know right now is still fairly incomplete, but there is something there. something i can wrap my head around and make decisions on. i…i feel ready for this life. ready to do the things that i might need to do.
but a night ago, life felt like something was happening. not like there were decisions being made or that there were steps being taken. i sat in my car and for the first time i had company. the right company. it was that feeling that the world is out of my hands and i’m along for the ride. that it would make sense of the things i feel and think and give me the chance to act on them and explore them. in those few moments we sat in that car, it felt natural. i don’t want to talk about it further because maybe i over think things. no, i definitely over think things.
i’m ready to make things, not just in concern with this, but with the world. i’m ready.
