these words are yours.

i’m writing in the air. this is all for something that is something out of reach. these are words that are written down, and acted out, and while not all for naught, have some sense of sadness and defeat in them. i don’t know why i do what i do. of course i do know why. but what i do is so drastic, i’m not always sure i know what the reason is for doing it.


i suppose i write this for me. for me to have something to remind me later on, when this is in the past, how things were, how i thought they were, when i was young. but i write this for you too. to give you the chance to read what i think, what i feel, in maybe a way that i can’t find the words when pressed to speak. when the vocabulary doesn’t match up to the intention. I’m not certain that this is any clearer. But for you i do things, i write this.


I can’t help but think of you, can’t think of sharing some level of closeness with you, to want to reach out and hold your hand. it seems so juvenile and innocent, but such a genuine feeling of wanting to do that one thing. but that feeling tesselates into other things. my arms around you, yours around me. your breath against my skin. all real desires, all real feelings. but something else.


maybe… so many maybes. so many reasons and factors that would alter a situation, but none of them are real. none of them are this. this reality we both exist in. why did i do what i did. why did i force it. I asked you out formally to let you know how i feel. to let you know that i am now willing to make something happen. i think that up to this recent point, i had just contemplated it and allowed it to remain a fantasy of sorts, but this action makes it concrete, this feeling i have, having acted on it, makes my actions real, my feelings real, my mistakes real. That this thing i had conjured in my head, manifest itself in actual reality, seems like my life is doing what it’s supposed to. Not just in concern with you but with everything. Self actualizing.




My life is in shambles. In concern to my other. We finally really talked. But the crazy thing about it is that this has been such an amazing moment for both of us.


In the recent past, i said only a few words about this feeling of being apathetic to our relationship. I think in action, we revealed our lack of feeling towards each other. But having gone through a personal trauma gave me the motivation to reexamine my approach to this life.


Funerals are such powerful catalysts. I had to eulogize my grandfather with words that weren’t my own. I read them because my mother wanted me to. i read them because my grandmother liked what it had said. i had a problem with how condensed it was, i could not comprehensively and adroitly describe the capacity of love i have/had for my grandfather. But i read them. It felt so distant and cold, and i feel that i betrayed my emotions by doing that. That i wasn’t honest about how i feel, with myself and with everyone who was witnessing it. I hadn’t done that in a long time. i don’t know when a specific time was that i had done that before, but it was a familiar feeling, so i knew that i had. But i don’t want to do that, be that person. and that led to this and this led to that and here i am.


in the wake (haha) of that, i had been energized with a fervor to make this happen. to be transparent to my other, and to ini. This was going to happen. so after my other and i had spent the day together, falling in to a complacent routine we had become all too familiar with, i did nothing.


we laid in bed, drifting further apart. i knew that i could let it slip by, and let my frustration build internally, just let her fall asleep. That would have been so easy to do. just let it all go and have it be the low hum it has been. never forcing a change, and too afraid of what that change might bring. but i’m over that. we had a conversation.


i told her that i had something to tell her that was so scary and hard for me to say. i said that i was unsure about us. that everything that we had been was no longer there. that what we had now was not what i had hoped for and that i was unhappy. i was sad with where we were, and all that has done was make me realize that i had lost the certainty in us that i used to have. And i wasn’t afraid of that.


she said to me why now. why are you doing this now? I wasn’t sure if she meant now in our lives or now right before we were going to bed. so i asked and she said both.


she asked if i was breaking up with her. i said no. i love her. nothing will change that. but there is something missing. neither of us are passionate about this. She agreed. and for the first time it didn;t hurt to say those words. to admit that tragedy. it actually felt good. we had gone so long being cold and distant and mean to one another, that this was the first spark of realistic emotion we had shared, and it was about us ending us. we talked about being uneasy. we talked about how our lives are in different places. We both admit that we are missing things. But it is easier to want to forget each other. to make this thing vanish when we aren’t together. But all that had done was make our time together strained. i told her that for as much as i wanted to see her i wanted to get away, back to my life without her. back to a place where i could forget her. or at least try. and that idea, having that feeling is or was so devastating. it doesn’t make sense. why are we doing what we’re doing if this is how we feel.


But we didn’t break up. I feel close to her. I’ve known her for so long and she has been my world. How could i not love her. But we know this isn’t working as a romance. not right now. our time apart has made our lives different and we’re not right for each other right now. But we know that we know that now. There is no real plan. we want to wait and see, give ourselves some time to let these words get processed. But the whole thing is bizarre. Since that point we have only talked about our lives after us. Being best friends, sharing that closeness and love and admiration we have. that would continue. she told me that if we did end she would give me back the ring, and i told her that it would be hers, to remind her of this amazing thing we have shared, however fleeting.


GGGGGaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwdddddddd!!!! i haven’t been too sad about this until i wrote that just there, and tears came to my eyes but i held them back. it’s real love. maybe it’s run it’s course. but i know that this is real.


So we are on the verge of having maybe the most amicable split in the history of mankind or not. it’s too soon to tell. and for that reason maybe i should have waited.




there are an infinite amount of things i could have done should have done differently, and an infinite amount of time to go over the excruciating detail. but that does only the service of making me suffer. i did what i did because i thought it was the right thing to do. and you’re right i have no need to be sorry for doing that. i am sorry however for bringing you more drama than perhaps you would have liked. but i think i have a handle on it. i think that my sincerity to the situation is evident.


and i have things to say still. i’m not afraid of being in the open. i thought about that. i’m not scared and if we converged, i wouldn’t want to hide it either. i’d speak it out loud the way it would deserve to be done. all the factors, besides the gigantic one, but even that to a degree, feel so small. i have nothing to hide from you.


eg i love you.

Right here right now this is the feeling, you make my heart sing. besides semantics, the feeling i have for you, caring and liking and all that, this is the best description. In the best possible way those words mean the world to me. i know i don’t know you completely, but i do know part of you and i’m willing to find out. i want only for you to find what you’re looking for, for you to find the happiness that we all deserve. and i want to be there for you in any way i can. there’s a moment when you meet someone and you know that they are worth hanging on to, however you can. i see that in you.