lets you and me overcome gravity

oh you. i want you so bad. let’s start something that we don’t have to plan on finishing. let’s not think. in fact let’s stop thinking. i think with any other person that would be terrible, but with you, i could dig that. i could give it a real try. you have no idea how my heart skipped the proverbial beat when you walked in. how i couldn’t take my eyes off of you (even though i was talking with someone else). the moment you walked in, my conversation floated away and i had no idea what i was talking about. Okay, maybe i’m exaggerating about not knowing what i was talking about, but the heart skipping eye staring all is true.


I’m not trying to over-analyze things. but wow! you and me. something amazing. and i’m not even talking about us falling for each other. you and me are pretty awesome just being you and me. it’s been too long, and while we’re both here there’s less and less time.


my heart right now is swollen with ecstatic euphoria from just you. not like just you is ‘just you’.



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so i got my game and some new music and some new movies.



my video game is pretty intense. the graphics are amazing and the way it plays is so good. if it doesn’t offend you and you have a ps3 or xbox you should pick it up.


new movie. i picked up “eagle vs. shark”. i think that “flight of the conchords” is amazing so hopefully this lives up to how great that is. i have yet to see it, but it seems like a quirky romance, and the trailer reminded me of “me you and everyone we know” by miranda july. July is well known in the art world as a quirky character and her movie does not fall short of that expectation. her movie is worth a look, as are her books.


now to some stuff that i have had the chance to get to and spend some time with.


portishead ‘3′ is fantastic! it lives up to what i had hoped for for so long. they came up with an eclectic album that lives up to expectations yet does not rehash old territory. ‘we cary on’ and ‘nylon smile’ and ’silence’ are some great tracks on a great album. i read some reviews in the magazine and they are sort of average rated, but they are better than that. listen to it.


In hip hop the roots have a new album ‘rising down’. the roots are a consistent band that has a great sound. i’ve been listening to them for over 10 years and they always come up with something new and interesting when they experiment, and when they go back to their formula they do it well. but they hardly do standard hip-hop, it’s something that exists sort of liminally beyond average hiphop. And black thought is a good mc, not the greatest, not basic either, so don’t expect groundbreaking lyrics here, just good tight grooves with tight rhymes.


Cut Copy ‘In Ghost Colors’ is great. go buy it and listen to it. makes me think of electrelanes last album. makes me think of better phoenix, better than phoenix could do. it is a perfect album. trust me.


one that i’m not so sure about yet but has sounded interesting so far is Santogold’s self titled album, ’santogold’. she’s drawn comparisons to MIA, but i think she’s better than that. granted i’m not a huge fan of MIA, but there is something about santogold that makes the songs feel less contrived. if you are inkling for something new try it out. it’s slowly growing on me as i listen to it while i write this.

<BR
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Ini, i want to tight rope walk to you without any safety net. you make me want to do crazy things and i love every moment of all of this. don’t worry, it’ll all happen the way that it should happen.




maybe that last line was for me. but for you too.

whoaness for realness

um yeah…




i just had the craziest thing happen to me. someone stole my credit card number and tried to buy 2000 dollars worth of stuff this past weekend. and luckily the purchase didn’t go through because they didn’t have all my info, but also because i randomly checked my account and heard that i had no money in it. Of course i know i’m broke, but that is more figurative than really broke. But i was able to take care of that and it all worked itself out. phew.

So now i’m less broke, but that’s okay because it’s the end of the month and that’s the way it should be. But still, i feel sort of violated, and i have found my mind trying real hard to 1. deal with the headache of it all and having to contact everyone i.e. bank, stores, anyone willing to listen to me rant, and 2. think of the last time i used the card and pour over records and records of info seeing where i might have slipped up or there were purchases that i did not do.

so not fun. (read that either with the pause after so, so like ’so[akin to anyway] not fun’ or read it with a level of sarcasm like ’so[in reference to amount] not fun’)

but i will be back with new stuff to talk about tomorrow. i have a bunch of new albums i’ve been listening to and some movies too.

and i’m sort of curious of you out there valiant reader. sticking with my somewhat intermittent posts (but somewhat regular too). i want to know how many of you are out there, what you might be about. but if that’s not your cup of tea i understand, sometimes it takes a lot to muster the words to say, even in relatively lighter situations.



anyway, have wonderfulness pervade your life.

let’s make a promise to never forget to remember each other.

i’ve been sort of preoccupied the last week to really get in any real thought towards an interesting post. I’ve been at work in the studio and at work, and it feels like my days have been so long and filled. but it’s good to feel busy. to feel like i’m doing stuff. And i’ve been going home for the weekends, so that has been hectic. nice but hectic nonetheless.


at work and in life, i’ve been hanging out with the same people day in and day out. and while they are all fun and interesting, it doesn’t seem like a complete thing either. It sort of feels like prelude to something else. and granted i’m still waiting to hang out with someone else, but having things going on makes the dry spell slightly more bearable. but still i want to hang out with her. but more on that when that happens. haha moron. (sorry, i’m feeling a bit loopy and childish.)

So as i was driving i was thinking of something.


people fall in love. people fall out of love. people fall in love again. but between falling out and falling in again, there is nothing more riveting than the pain you feel from falling out. And while you watch your life spiral out of control, watch your heart experience some pain that you feel will be so terrible and permanent, when you find someone new, or someone finds you, always when you least expect it, that pain stops having such a real gravity.


anyway, my point being is that when relationships fall apart, you make a promise to someone or yourself or they to you or whatever, that you will never forget someone. that for what it was worth, for maybe all the bad things or terrible feelings you are going through or have yet to go through, the truth is that you will forget them soon enough. You will soon replace them with someone new, and they will replace you as well. But we want to hang on. we want to know that we will suffer, that we get the chance to experience anguish, that we will know that we tried to do things and didn’t get it right but we got back on that horse. It’s sort of heroic a gesture. one that is slightly self inflicted but still heroic. It gives us reason, purpose.


I want to think that i hang on to those things, that i don’t forget. But i have. i have been trying to remember them, but they are starting to fade. I find that i’m in a mad scramble to try to keep them all. i want to think that i’ll remember this all, but then i feel that i might not, so i suppose this is what i’m writing it for.



that’s about all i’ve got right now. i know it’s not as concise or maybe prose worthy as some other posts. but i’ll be back to my good old self soon enough.




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i’m ready for tuesday. here’s why.


the 15 year old kid that i sometimes act like is looking forward to the release of gr4nd th3ft 4uto 4 (i wrote it that way to not get strange traffic). I don’t play video games all too much anymore, but in my youth i used to wast hours and hours on video games. In fact i still have my original nintendo. I used to spend days and nights in the arcade. And in all honesty i am one of the better street fighter 2 players ever. I am not really making that up either. i’ve won contests and everything. but the new game looks fun and i want to see how it all comes together. I’ve played the last one and it was tons of fun. I’m thinking i might end up getting lost and will never be seen ever again. that’s not true. i hope.



Here’s the real deal. Tuesday is the day of Portishead’s new CD ‘3′ is out. I can not wait. i want want want so bad to have it. i’ve watched a video of a live performance or the new stuff and it’s amazing. They are also playing coachella this weekend. bummed that i can’t go. i’ll write a real review as soon as i hear it first hand.

it’s all very close now that we’ve stopped going further.

it never ceases to amaze me to think that i might be an adult. or that i might resemble an adult somehow. i’m placed in a position where i am teaching school to people who are much younger and inexperienced than me, i make good enough money(better money than i’ve ever made), i talk and write with a level of aptitude i have heretofore not had, i am an uncle to nephews and nieces in the way that i had uncles when i was younger. i have this adult life. and yet i still remember being a kid. i still think of those times as not too long ago. so much of growing up feels like hanging on to what we can. i’m trying to keep it all, maintain some balance in all the cacophony of life experience. and maybe i am lucky. growing up, i had older cousins and younger cousins. all very close, like a gigantic set of siblings to be raised with. And maybe being right in the middle of it all gave me the chance to experience life in some sort of 3 way wave. i got to watch people get older before i ever had to. i got to go through aging myself. i get to watch young people be young, reminding me constantly what that might have been. It’s a storied life. and it starts to spiral further as my cousins have kids and we become the adults, and the adults they become even older. it’s strange to think that way. i have been aware for a long time of the idea of mortality in concern to my parents. i knew that it was inevitable at some point, but it felt like that was for old people. and now i’m older and they are old people, and that scares me. i know it will all happen at some point, that that is life. but it’s still frightening to think that. and not really scary because i’m scared of my own mortality, just not wanting to lose someone. but this isn’t about watching my parents turn towards old age.

My cousins, first cousins, were all raised together. my mom served as a kind of den-mother for us all, carting us around in her giant white van. we were more than just cousins, they are my siblings. they are my brothers and sisters, and there is no division or separation. We are always together in some sort of combination. And more often than not, people find this dynamic foreign to them, that they were never too close to their cousins. And for us that would be like second cousins. people we would see often enough but never really consistently, only on the occasional christmas or wedding or anniversary; even though they lived in the same city or area as us.


and growing up we would get together first and second cousins alike (along with everyone else) and we would try to find people we could relate to. This was often determined by life on this planet, so like-aged cousins would hang out with like aged cousins. and i was at least 5 years older or younger than any of my first cousins, so that often meant that they were looking to ditch me or me them. but with the second cousins there was one other person my age, jennifer.


we would hang out and play and do things that kids do. and i can’t remember or really pinpoint what that might be, but it was fun and i have fond thoughts of that time. maybe it was tag or hide-and-go-seek. something. and she seemed so cool to me. we were pretty close.


after my family had moved away, we would see less and less of that extended side of the family, but at the very least would here of news from word of mouth or some other venue. and honestly, in a family as large as mine, there is always someone getting married or having a special anniversary or dying (i know a bit morbid) that we end up gathering even briefly. but i knew what jennifer was up to. she was doing things and doing them well. excelling at school, graduating from college on time, getting a job, getting married, having kids. the whole adult experience. and here i was doing what i do best. spinning wheels. in comparison, my life is still childish.

but back to feeling like an adult. i found out this weekend that jennifer had a mastectomy, and is undergoing chemo for the next year. this is blowing my mind. i know that everyone is at risk of getting cancer, or any disease for that matter, at any point in their lives, but it’s still shocking to hear about it when it’s someone who is a ‘real’ peer, someone who i could truly compare life with, and more so family. i sort of felt that this was for older people. and i’m starting to wonder if that’s me now. but i hope it all goes well. i hope that she gets better. she’s a good person and i keep her in my thoughts.

so i don’t know if all this makes me a bonafide adult. i don’t even know what that might entail. there might be something about the complexity of life; the heartache and the triumph. i’m not sure and all the adults i’ve asked just laughed at me (thanks mom).





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so that’s the reason for the pause between posts. went to go do some fam-stuff.


i don’t get easily discouraged. i know that not everyone is on the same page. that we all think different things, and i truly believe that that is what makes life interesting. i’m always up for life.

and this weekend also included a stop to open house at the art center in pasadena. i went to go look at the students in the masters program, and i would have to say that it was what i sort of expected. i think hubris towards my own work is the reason that i feel that a majority of the work was not that interesting. but that is not to say that it is bad, just that i wasn’t interested in some of it. and i know that open studios is not an ideal sort of venue. believe me because i had to go through it myself. but there was work that really stood out, and that was exciting. i think one of the more interesting pieces was a sound/projection/sculptural installation that used motion sensors to start up. Another good piece was a window blinds/ light/ music installation. the paintings were decent enough. and there were a few really good sculptures. all in all it was a decent amount of work, with a few decent pieces. i would recommend to you all to go check out local schools art shows, especially with graduate thesis shows coming up, and undergraduate shows as well. You don’t need to know a thing about art to just look at it. plus there are usually refreshments served. it’s a lot of fun. basically it’s a party with nicer decorations. if you’re in southern california, the number of grad shows should be through the roof, there are about 10 schools all with top notch programs, so hopefully top notch art as well, and so there should be a lot of activity this month and next. (if you’re at all curious i can help you out, just let me know)

i have more things to talk about. about love and life and all that good stuff. i’m just waiting for it to happen still.

a slight respite in the middle of the night.

so i made it back to my home away from what was once my home. i made a decision to not battle the sun head on during my journey back, although i did procure an grand pair of old people eye protection that fits over my prescription antiojos. they are kind of cool, lots of funny, but serious business none the less. so under the cover of night i drove back to where i am needed. i had the windows down the whole way, and the semi warm night cut through my sweater in a way that made it the perfect climate to exist in.


i have an affinity towards the cold. it feels better. in my brain, i believe that the cold is better then the heat. let me tell you why.



granted i have never been in one of those situations where the temperature sits at a frigid below zero state for weeks at a time. people, at least initially at the dawn of homo erectus, were not supposed to survive that. Nomads would leave in search of more adequate climates. It is only recently, as people have settled into a state of stationary-ness, that we have had to endure that regularly. Although as i write this, i wonder about pre-western-history inuits, aleutians, and mongolians, did they live through that type of weather. but i do know that mongolians were more nomadic as they still are to this day. but whatever. basically mother nature is telling people to move on because it’s about to get frickin chilly. but i’ve never been in that type of cold. i think the most i’ve gotten to was a week of air in the teens, with wind at about 15-20 miles an hour, plus snow falling down at about a half foot to a foot a day. I think that is pretty adequate in terms of having some experience of some cold weather.



As for heat, i spent my formative years in the desert. summer days were in the 110s no problem, plus smog choking you out of any motivation, plus no means to get to a better place. It was a real feeling of stuck-ed-ness. Nights were no better. still in the 100s, i’d drench a towel in water and use it as a blanket. sort of like some backwards bizzaro-world thing, like reading books to get dumb. it felt sort of ludicrous when i first tried it, and still sounds crazy now, but it has been well integrated into my practice of suburban heat survival skills. so i’m pretty well rounded in that sense as well.



And as far as i’m concerned, there is no difference to a ‘dry’ heat. i detest when people say things like that. a dry heat. ‘at least it’s a dry heat’ . hmph. that was me being indignant to that sort of comment. sure humidity is pretty miserable, but really, when the day is 100 degrees, is it any better. it’s still bad. there’s no consolation in not sweating up an olympic pool. it still feels like crap. everything is sticky. the steering wheel burns your hand. your clothes cling too tightly the place where skin touches skin is like two pieces of tape meeting sticky side to sticky side. so it’s not better. it’s still bad. and as for experience. i’ve been to tropical climates for extended stays. heat over there is just as gross as heat over here.


but back to telling you why the cold is better. it’s pretty simple and a one dimensional answer, so here goes. you can always put on more clothes to get warmer, but you can’t take off more clothes to get cooler. you sort of reach a maximum level of nakedness, then you’re still hot. but you could add another layer, get more woolen items, don a down jacket, cover your head and retain 70 percent of your body heat.


i don’t know, call me crazy, but that seems pretty reasonable a reason to justify the cold over the heat.


so the cold and me are buddies. it lets me wear my collection of sweaters and jackets. the best is when you can wear shorts with a sweater. that’s confusing but makes perfect sense at the same time.


It’s sort of like some fashion contradiction that makes complete sense once you get into it.


i want really bad to take the night and share it with ini. just go out and watch the stars chase the darkness. wait until the sun comes up to make sense of all the craziness that we might be able to endure. i’m not sure that that would be romantic, i mean in my intentions, maybe more just enjoyable for the both of us. maybe something that would make the nights last longer and the days between them that much shorter. i want to have a soundtrack to those nights.





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and maybe part of that soundtrack would be Dr. Who Dat? ‘Beat Journey’. It’s sort of a smallish label release, so it’s a bit hard to come by. But it sounds like 70s spy movies even though it is found under the hip hop section. Sure there are the standard breaks, and it sounds like it’s related to some of the metal fingers stuff. but it’s something i just got and have been listening to. i just can’t stop.


and maybe for something on the opposite side of the spectrum, try out some glam inspired early new romantic (read 80’s) music. I just found Japan’s ‘adolescent sex’. besides the snappy and salacious title, the album is pretty intense. I think the single adolescent sex is such a funky dance track. sort of weird but totally enjoyable. they were inspired by bowie’s stuff, but really who isn’t and if not they should be. you can find a video on youtube somewhere and i’ll add it to my little video player on the right soon.

And if you haven’t heard, portishead is releasing a new album in just a few days. excited? i sure am. i love love love love portishead. their music was the soundtrack to my life. has been the soundtrack to my life. will continue to be the soundtrack to my life. if you get the chance to see them, i’m jealous. but if not, then we’re even. and if you haven’t already seen it they have a video of their concert at roseland ballroom from way back when out ( it came out ages ago). my vhs copy could use some updating, plus the fact i no longer have a vcr. anyway, new album titled simply ‘3′ out soon. pick it up. it sounds different from what they’ve put out before, but after 10+ years you should hope so. but there are tons of people writing about this so i’ll leave it there and just put out my support to one of my favorite bands.

And for LA people there are some great shows coming up. El-P is playing soon, i think at the el rey. Hall & Oates are playing as well. and really unknown Superdrag is playing at the Troubador. I’m excited about that. they had a minor single in the early 90s with ’sucked out’ then they sort of fizzled out commercially, but continued to release albums. I always liked them and have seen them 3 times and thought that they broke up to pursue other things 2 or 3 years ago. But i just saw them on a flyer and got all excited. They put on a great show. especially at the troubador. i’m pretty sure i’m going to go to that.




that’s that for now. see i came back with a better post than the last one. more coherent and more concise, and a whole lot cooler temperature wise.



and just to let you in on something of no real significance, i used every letter of the alphabet at least once (and not in order) to start the titles of the posts on here. ha. fun times.

the heat has been something that i wasn’t expecting.

I had a nice weekend. I went home for a bit. there was a bunch of stuff going on with the family. there have been lots of things going on, so it was time to get together and reconnect. In the past year there have been so many babies born within my immediate family. I have 4 new nephews and nieces. So this weekend was the first time that we’ve all been able to get together.


now i’m sure most people say this about their own family. All the babies are super cute. We have a pretty good genetic makeup. We make pretty cute kids. I don’t want to go on to much and sound like those people that gush and gush about how wonderful their kids are. but they’re pretty good (the kids).


i myself was a pretty adorable lad. when i was maybe a year and a half i won some baby contest as the healthiest baby. that might have been a clever ruse to call me a big baby, but the pictures i’ve seen of myself are really nice. i should show them sometime. once i sort of get some distance to my situation and can reveal myself more thoroughly.


but it’s so nice to see my family, to get to hang out with these amazing people.

so i was in LA this weekend, it was so frickin hot! i was not expecting the 100 degree temperature, but the good thing is, is that my car has air conditioning. It was kind of strange. i never checked it out to see if the thing worked. it was the first time i tried it out and it was such a nice surprise. i sort of figured out that it didn’t. but i guess that’s what i get for assuming.


then i ponied up some money to pay for a new motor for my other car. there always seems to be something or other around the corner, but i’m approaching a point where i might have an amazing life laid out ahead of me. more on that later. but life seems to be in a nice pace, a good spot right now. i want to see how this all plays out. i like the idea that things have some sort of upswing (although there was nothing to terrible to begin with)





argh… this post is the craziest. i think the heat is messing my head up. i’m on the move to cooler temperatures, and i’ll make a more coherent post. phew.

Zealous chasing means two things. 1. the chaser wants something. 2. the chased does not want to be caught. Am i forever the 1. in life?

Reading over these posts, i have a hard time discerning if the dynamic i have described between myself and ini is in fact the way that i described it. It makes me wonder how much of this is fabricated in my brain. I’m sure, all of it is concocted to a degree, that i am telling or reciting the way that i believe things to be. But like Roshamon, there are so many facets to a single story. But you know what i mean. at least i hope you do.



but then there is the point. what i mean and what actually is, is so subjective. no mystery there i suppose. But then how do we understand truth. how do we comprehend complexity, boil it down into a single line. Something that we can gulp down, stomach for the time being, until further evidence, or greater enlightenment strikes at us like a scion of comprehension.


I love this life.


I love not knowing anything, but yet…


it feels like i know something. it appears that i have my head on straight, and that maybe the world and the situations that it presents to me are crooked.


I forget what it’s like to be like this, because i have no perspective on it. I’m so caught up in it all that i lose sight of the shape. I intended for these writings to help understand the form it takes, to maintain a view of the edges. This is some photographic evidence of what transpired in my mind. these are my thousand words worth. thousands upon thousands of words worth. I wish i could let you all in. let you all see this world that i live in. it’s a wonderful place. it has wonderful people. it took a long time to get here. but here i am.


and really there is no end in sight. falling in love all over again is like falling in love the first time. let’s do this forever.





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i have an affinity for soul music. When i was a young lad, i used to really love reggae and dancehall. My first tape was a dancehall tape that had a bunch of different artists on it (my first album probably predates this and is the soundtrack for Grease). I forget who all was on it, but i remember the cover being black and having pink painted feet on it. i miss that tape. But that led to an interest in hip hop. and the first tape or music i ever bought with my own money was Run DMC’s ‘raising hell’. If you have never heard this, i demand that you listen to it. In the canon of rap, this is the blueprint. To date myself, i bought it brand new. I don’t mean that it wasn’t used, that i purchased it when it was released. I remember wanting to go to the wherehouse to pick it up. i was a little kid back then and my mom thought i was crazy for listening to that crazy music.


And for a long time after that, there wasn’t much else besides hip hop that i listened to. It stayed that way for a good long while, probably up until 1992. then i got interested in electronic music, but that was part of the lifestyle back then. i remember being 14 and going to raves in old buildings or farms. But back then rap started to really go gangster, and that wasn’t that interesting. And while i had a lot of friends in gangs, the thing i was more interested in were all the old-school jams. roger & zapp, malo, tierra, tower of power, brenton wood. all great. and there was a radio show that played on the local channel that broadcasted (still does to this day) ‘Art Laboe’s killer oldies’ every sunday night. I remember listening, hoping in vain that i would get a song dedicated to me from some girl i never knew. I remember trying to work up the nerve to dedicate a song to someone i thought was special. I still get those feelings 16 years later.


but those oldies were the best. They made me think of how times might have been better way back when. But that thought turned into not thinking that it was actually better back then, but maybe it was good to look back fondly and let the songs help define and focus what you feel you remember. And listening to them, i started to notice how samples were used. I could hear an original song and trace it to a sample and vice versa. my musical catalogue was growing, and i could see how everything was drawing from everything. I knew for a long time that hip hop had used samples, that techno used samples, that drum and base used samples, but it took a long time to get to the point of connecting it to its original source.


And slowly my interest in hip hop waned. it had never fully disappeared, but i wasn’t too in to it. What i had become interested in was finding the old r&b and funk songs that were used in hip hop. I became a crate digger. not really for records, but for albums.


and now, i think that there are a lot of interesting things happening in hip hop again. but soul and r&b and funk are really what is getting me going.


For some good hip hop check out Madlib and what he does at StonesThrow records. There are some amazing things being released by them. more on that in the future. Also listen to MF Doom and the metalfingers thing. And maybe before that listen to madlib and mf dooms collaboration Madvillain “madvillainy”. it is great. great beats and strange flow make for an all around interesting album.


Another person to go check out is Ghostface Killah. His last 4 or 5 albums have been all solid. of course his ’supreme clientele’ is always talked about, but the new ones are so so so good. start with ‘the pretty tony album’ then the 2 ‘fish’ albums.


and yet another MC to listen to is El-P. ‘fantastic damage’ is great, ‘collecting the kid’ is great, ‘i
ll sleep when you’re dead’ is great, and ‘the high water lp’ is a great jazz album.


But maybe rap and hip hop is not your thing. maybe you want something a bit different. In that case listen to Kon & Amir. They have a bunch of hard to find albums out, that are all worth tracking down. “the Kings of Diggin” is (i need a better description than great and so good) great and so good. It’s a compilation of rare tracks all mixed together. it’ll cover your entire day. my only qualm is that the tracks are a little too short, but i’m talking 2 minutes instead of full tracks, so it’s really not that big a deal. But then things get way more interesting on “On Track volume 6″. they reach a fever pitch mixing everything so seamlessly. And just recently i picked up ‘Off Track volume 1′ on itunes (so that’ll be easy to get) and i have yet to stop listening to it. They find the greatest songs you’ve never heard and make everything work so well. i’m so jealous that things can be that good. Do not let this pass you by, if you like non stop soul grooves, then this is what you’ve been looking for. There is really nothing better.




And if any of you have anything that might be worth listening to or reading or watching let me know. let us know. thanks.

Yield to the life that is worth enduring.

it’s nice to think that i’m doing something worth doing. That this life i have eked out is a life of value. Not only to myself but maybe to others as well. I’m not sure i could ever ask for more than that.



It doesn’t take much to make things in my life seem fantastic. I’ve long thought fondly of the simple pleasures as being immensely pleasurable. But there is also a great deal of pleasure to be found in pursuits that require more effort, more time invested, more everything.


Ini, in a moment of confidence (but i will talk about because it is an alias for her), told me that she wanted love to be easy. Maybe i’m getting that wrong. She didn’t think that love should be work, that it shouldn’t be hard to do. She had an amazing example set out before her by seeing her parents. And everything she had said sounded amazing.


But that was not my experience. My life had been filled with viewing failure in relationships. I do not make excuses for anything that has transpired, mainly because i wouldn’t be the person i am without those things. I lived a fairly idyllic life for the first decade of my life. I grew up in a suburb that allowed for kids to play on the block, even after eating dinner. We had block parties, and neighborly get togethers. We would go into each other’s houses and be fed cookies and candies and soda. We all took care of one another. Then we moved away. And after that, the ‘donna reed/leave it to beaver’ life dissolved.


My father had lost his corporate job, and in an effort to start over, he moved our family to a new series of track homes. This happened at a time when it seemed like a lot of other families were in a similar situation. And it just so happened that a majority of my family was in a similar situation, so we all ended up in each other’s vicinity.


But the new exterior, the fresh veneer, quickly revealed what problems were lurking all along. There was no amount of facade that could hide lives slowly imploding. It seemed one uncle after another was losing the struggle at maintaining their marriages. And it was never a quick and painless process, there were kids involved and attempts to salvage things, and failure.


Then around 12 or 13 things started to fall apart at home. My dad cheated on my mom. And this was not at all a painless thing to witness. In fact i was not witnessing it so much as being a part of it. It was slow and tedious. But suffice to say it sucked. I was at a point in my life when i was figuring out what it was to be a man, and this person whom i looked up to, who i modeled myself after, was in the end not the person i wanted to be. Everything i knew was wrong. So now it turned out that i had nothing to aspire to. All i knew was that i had to not be the same person as my dad. I had to be successful at love. I needed to get it right. I needed to prove that i could be better, that i could surpass the previous generation. And in my early attempts at love, i tried too hard, fell too quickly, was too young to comprehend what love was and what love could be.


And as i approached adulthood my older sister put forth her attempt at love and married her high school sweetheart. That was as idyllic as it got. That was the one that we all could believe in, the one that would be the one we could hold dear and try to emulate. But after a short time, that started to show it’s fissures and fractures. And the last hope we all wanted to never end, ended.


What could we do. what did we have left. what did i have left. what could i believe in.


I was jaded. I was hurt by the honesty of the situations. And i was still hopeful and still willing to love harder then i could. still willing to try. I’m a bit stubborn. But all i know is that love takes work. That’s the only experience that i have. Sometimes it’s easy, but it always takes work.


And everything about all of this, all the things that i have written, has been an amazing undertaking. While there are moments that have been painful and agonizing to endure, it has all been worth it. All i know is that i wouldn’t trade this for the world. And while being in love with two people is not an ideal situation, these feelings are so amazing and so intense that the pain is worth the pleasure.


would i like it easier. maybe. whatever the case, i want it to be fulfilling. I want a life that provides and demands greatness. All those things that i had seen, the wounded-ness that i have held so close to my heart have provided me with a great life so far.

xanthic tendrils race down my spine. In vain efforts, I try to subdue them through bold actions and impudent decisions. By the way, xanthic means yellowish.

I am not sure what i am afraid of. I have an attitude that is a bit macho. I like to believe that nothing is really frightening to the degree that it would prevent me from doing something (especially if i can punch it). Now before you scoff in my direction, that is not to say that i am not afraid of giant cats or bears or other animals such as hippos. I have a rational respect for those things and i know that i should stay away from them because they will more than likely attack me and more than likely win. Also i know that i should feel shaky when i get close to a cliff, because i am at the mercy of gravity and such, and if i were to fall i would be hurt or killed. So i stay far enough away from dangerous cliffs. But sometimes i fight that feeling and go check out the edge. But i am not sure that i am afraid of it, just really aware of the danger involved. I can take responsibility for what may transpire if i enter into a situation that presents moments where i have the possibility to encounter a tiger or a cliff in its natural habitat.


But i am not talking about that. I am talking about something more irrational. Those things relate to a survival instinct. I saw a Desmond Morris special that showed that babies new better than to go crawl off a cliff (they set up a glass floor on top of a table and placed a baby on it. the baby crawled around on the ‘table’ but wouldn’t go past it into the ‘empty part’) The fear i mean are the things that we are scared of engaging with for no real reason other than fear. Like the fear of the dark. Sure there are reasons you could be afraid of the dark, like not wanting to stub your toe, but the deeper reason of that great expanse of the unknown. Fear of that is so amazing and strange to me. I like the idea of that great abyss. Of standing at the precipice of who-knows-what. But i understand why it is frightening. Who knows what’s out there. There is no safety in that void. You are put in a position where you have to chose wether or not you enter into it or stay in the safety of what you know.


I like the idea that i could willingly put myself in harms way. much like that cliff edge. I can let myself be vulnerable and open about these feelings i have. I can be wounded and strong all in the same instance. I see no reason to be afraid of that. I want to think that i have prepared myself for this. That i have prepared myself to take on anything, any trouble or problem that ever comes my way. That i can stand strong and headlong towards any adversity.


So i stand there.




nothing.


I’m not sure that nothing happens. Just that the things that i think i’m prepared for, the things that i prepared myself for, are not the things that are happening. In my head i play out these amazing fantasies that make me this bold amazing person. And i wait for that in real life. But the reality is much less exciting than the fantasy. And i think that that is the way that it is supposed to be. It makes me sad to think that life is a series of disappointments in the face of imagination. I don’t think that it has to be that way. Not permanently. Sure there will be times when things are not the way we might conjure up in our minds, but we can dare to be bold and brash and rambunctious. We are allowed to do the things we want.


except we must also be willing to suffer the consequence. And i think that is where we go wrong as a people, and i’m talking in broad generalizations. We are too afraid to lose what we worked for, too mortified that what we are headed towards might not be the right thing. We are scared to death of finding out that we might have been wrong.


and i am no better. i am just as, if not more so, but probably just as, a victim of my own circumstance. victim sounds good. i think that is the right word because i am the one that is suffering.



I try to tell my students to be bold, to be daring. If not now, then i doubt ever. so break that habit. I would rather see them fail spectacularly, than to have them maintain mediocrity. Life has enough of that. Let’s get the good stuff going, even if it means starting some of the bad.

But i am not afraid of doing that, of being that person. at least i hope so. or is it hope not. the one that makes me a better person is the one that i mean.





i am not afraid. (at least i think i’m not)

venture forward, usher in the future. we need you in my life.

I never forgot you.



I’m just waiting to see if you remember me.



but the truth be told, all the waiting and anticipating is agonizing. But i feel that i need to wait for you to tell me what is going on. I feel too needy, too wanting of you, to be productive. It’s been too long it feels.

I know you remember me. but i wonder if you miss me like i miss you. I am genuinely sad that we are apart. This world that i occupy, that you occupy, the one where we are together, is not the same without you.



Is this cloudy enough for you?



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I don’t read as much as i should. I feel well enough versed in the realm of popular culture that i can exempt myself from ‘actually’ doing things that most people do. So for instance, I have never seen the movie titanic. I have no intention of seeing it. But because of everything that has ever been done in reference to it, whether that be spoofs, people acting out scenes, seeing clips, hearing other people talk about it, whatever; I feel that i have a strong comprehension over what takes place in the movie. I can piece it together, like some sort of frankenstein amalgamation of all the information that has transpired. It’s not a bold leap either. From what i can surmise, the movie, like most other things seems divisive, so i know that there is the love triangle, the tragic end, the old lady, a big boat. And this is not an exclusive thing to titanic. This seems to be the case for a lot of stuff in my life. I can sort of figure out what something is about without having to know what it’s about. And in conversation i can just uniformly agree with whomever if i don’t feel up to the task of explaining to them why i have not experienced whatever movie/album/song/thing they are talking about. But that is not to say that i am fake either. I like to see new things, it just takes a long time to get to them.

But i digress. Books. I should read more. and in the vein of my music reviews, i submit a literary review.


‘Homeland’ by Sam Lipsyte. In my effort to read more, this book has come across my plate more than once. I’m not sure if reading it more than once counts as actually reading more, but this book is so good and tight that it deserves perusal on multiple occasions. Do i tell you what it’s about? I guess. It is the story of a loser a decade after high school (do they make any other types of stories?) who writes entries for his high school alumni newsletter. It’s biting and sardonic (there seem to be a plethora of books that are described as biting and/or sardonic, maybe they throw in ‘with a twist’. I think it’s the adroit version of having an edge)… anyway, biting and sardonic in a way that tugs at the way you wish you see yourself. the way that you wish you actually are. Without of course, the loser asshole-ish part. For me, this book resonates in that way. does that reveal too much about my insecurities? I figure this whole blog sort of reveals too much about my insecurities. ‘Homeland’ is a fun light read that, if this blog might be to your liking, then hopefully you will enjoy the novel. I don’t want to give much more away than that, partially because i am rereading it for the umpteenth time, and i like to try to not think about it so it would be a surprise all over again.

But Sam Lipsyte is my writing hero. He has such a knack for the way words work. And maybe i owe some of the way i write to the fact that i have read his books. If, by chance you read that one already, go check out his book ‘the Subject Steve’. Also a good read. It’s the story about a guy who is literally dying of boredom. ha ha. see i do owe a lot to mr. lipsyte. Don’t let him know that though.


And another book that i had just picked up, and have yet to finish, or even get halfway through (i’m a slow reader) is ‘a year of living according to the bible’ by A J Jacobs. And maybe that isn’t the correct title, but it’s close enough, and maybe that isn’t how you spell Jacobs but that too is close enough. Like the title says, it is about a guy who lives according to the bible for a year. This isn’t a pro or anti religious book, not yet at least, it just is about a guy who wanted to see what religion was all about. And he’s a smart enough writer to tackle the task, and still be honest that a year may not be enough. It has been really interesting so far, and i have liked his other writings before (Jacobs is a writer for esquire magazine).

So check out those books if you are at all interested. I have a copy of ‘catcher in the rye’ my younger cousin gave me that i have never read. I’m not sure what it’s actually about, but i do know that it is a seminal story in the canon of restless young adulthood. maybe i’ll get to it one day.

MUSIC.



The RAH Band is great. get their greatest hits on itunes, or wherever you may find it. They had a series of low level hits, like ‘Clouds across the moon’ and ‘the crunch’ and ‘messages from the stars’ in the early 80s. I don’t really think that it’s too new wave. it’s more like electro dance club meets new wave post disco. the RAH band is actually a project by richard anthony hewson, hence RAH, that had his wife singing most of the time. It is an amazing thing. I love love love it.



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Ini where did you go? I want so bad to call you, but i know that i should wait. give you some space. I figure that it’ll all come around.




I probably won’t wait.