it never ceases to amaze me to think that i might be an adult. or that i might resemble an adult somehow. i’m placed in a position where i am teaching school to people who are much younger and inexperienced than me, i make good enough money(better money than i’ve ever made), i talk and write with a level of aptitude i have heretofore not had, i am an uncle to nephews and nieces in the way that i had uncles when i was younger. i have this adult life. and yet i still remember being a kid. i still think of those times as not too long ago. so much of growing up feels like hanging on to what we can. i’m trying to keep it all, maintain some balance in all the cacophony of life experience. and maybe i am lucky. growing up, i had older cousins and younger cousins. all very close, like a gigantic set of siblings to be raised with. And maybe being right in the middle of it all gave me the chance to experience life in some sort of 3 way wave. i got to watch people get older before i ever had to. i got to go through aging myself. i get to watch young people be young, reminding me constantly what that might have been. It’s a storied life. and it starts to spiral further as my cousins have kids and we become the adults, and the adults they become even older. it’s strange to think that way. i have been aware for a long time of the idea of mortality in concern to my parents. i knew that it was inevitable at some point, but it felt like that was for old people. and now i’m older and they are old people, and that scares me. i know it will all happen at some point, that that is life. but it’s still frightening to think that. and not really scary because i’m scared of my own mortality, just not wanting to lose someone. but this isn’t about watching my parents turn towards old age.
My cousins, first cousins, were all raised together. my mom served as a kind of den-mother for us all, carting us around in her giant white van. we were more than just cousins, they are my siblings. they are my brothers and sisters, and there is no division or separation. We are always together in some sort of combination. And more often than not, people find this dynamic foreign to them, that they were never too close to their cousins. And for us that would be like second cousins. people we would see often enough but never really consistently, only on the occasional christmas or wedding or anniversary; even though they lived in the same city or area as us.
and growing up we would get together first and second cousins alike (along with everyone else) and we would try to find people we could relate to. This was often determined by life on this planet, so like-aged cousins would hang out with like aged cousins. and i was at least 5 years older or younger than any of my first cousins, so that often meant that they were looking to ditch me or me them. but with the second cousins there was one other person my age, jennifer.
we would hang out and play and do things that kids do. and i can’t remember or really pinpoint what that might be, but it was fun and i have fond thoughts of that time. maybe it was tag or hide-and-go-seek. something. and she seemed so cool to me. we were pretty close.
after my family had moved away, we would see less and less of that extended side of the family, but at the very least would here of news from word of mouth or some other venue. and honestly, in a family as large as mine, there is always someone getting married or having a special anniversary or dying (i know a bit morbid) that we end up gathering even briefly. but i knew what jennifer was up to. she was doing things and doing them well. excelling at school, graduating from college on time, getting a job, getting married, having kids. the whole adult experience. and here i was doing what i do best. spinning wheels. in comparison, my life is still childish.
but back to feeling like an adult. i found out this weekend that jennifer had a mastectomy, and is undergoing chemo for the next year. this is blowing my mind. i know that everyone is at risk of getting cancer, or any disease for that matter, at any point in their lives, but it’s still shocking to hear about it when it’s someone who is a ‘real’ peer, someone who i could truly compare life with, and more so family. i sort of felt that this was for older people. and i’m starting to wonder if that’s me now. but i hope it all goes well. i hope that she gets better. she’s a good person and i keep her in my thoughts.
so i don’t know if all this makes me a bonafide adult. i don’t even know what that might entail. there might be something about the complexity of life; the heartache and the triumph. i’m not sure and all the adults i’ve asked just laughed at me (thanks mom).
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so that’s the reason for the pause between posts. went to go do some fam-stuff.
i don’t get easily discouraged. i know that not everyone is on the same page. that we all think different things, and i truly believe that that is what makes life interesting. i’m always up for life.
and this weekend also included a stop to open house at the art center in pasadena. i went to go look at the students in the masters program, and i would have to say that it was what i sort of expected. i think hubris towards my own work is the reason that i feel that a majority of the work was not that interesting. but that is not to say that it is bad, just that i wasn’t interested in some of it. and i know that open studios is not an ideal sort of venue. believe me because i had to go through it myself. but there was work that really stood out, and that was exciting. i think one of the more interesting pieces was a sound/projection/sculptural installation that used motion sensors to start up. Another good piece was a window blinds/ light/ music installation. the paintings were decent enough. and there were a few really good sculptures. all in all it was a decent amount of work, with a few decent pieces. i would recommend to you all to go check out local schools art shows, especially with graduate thesis shows coming up, and undergraduate shows as well. You don’t need to know a thing about art to just look at it. plus there are usually refreshments served. it’s a lot of fun. basically it’s a party with nicer decorations. if you’re in southern california, the number of grad shows should be through the roof, there are about 10 schools all with top notch programs, so hopefully top notch art as well, and so there should be a lot of activity this month and next. (if you’re at all curious i can help you out, just let me know)
i have more things to talk about. about love and life and all that good stuff. i’m just waiting for it to happen still.
