to whom it may concern, and really it may not concern anyone.

if i fell in love with you it was all on accident. i never set out to develop feelings, i never wanted that to happen, but it did. And now, in the thick of all of it, i don’t regret it one bit. I make no apologies for this. i couldn’t help myself from falling for you when i did. i am not the type of person that readily makes attempts at love, i’ve been wounded and wounded others enough to know that this, love, is not something anyone should brandish in a foolish manner. i try to be responsible. i try to be sincere.

I’m not sure what i want from all of this anymore. ini i am in love with you. i want you to feel the same way. But a part of me believes that if you feel that way it won’t make us be together. it will only break our hearts even more. i know you need to see what life has to offer, to find out what’s in store for you. and i want you to know, to find out by walking the road you set out to walk. But i know that if you do, then you are not going to be with me. so i am conflicted. And so, i ask myself is it enough to find out how you feel about me, which i hope is similar to how i feel, or am i hinged on being with you, on sharing life sort of more closely than friends? i don’t have an answer, but i feel myself leaning towards just knowing that i was able to make myself, however brief, someone who entered into your life and became something special enough. but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it all. or from wanting at all for that matter.

and right now, this moment that i type this, i’m yours if you want me. forget all that other stuff no need to mention it at all (but i will if you ask). i’m willing to start anew. to give this a shot like a shot should be given.





and it has not really been a distance that i have admired you from, but i want to explore closeness.




but then what if… what if you don’t feel that way, that you can’t bring yourself to have those feelings. where does that leave us? how does this change our friendship? i think i altered our dynamic the moment i let out the fact that i liked you. but i’m not sure what would happen. i am not the person that can sweep this under the proverbial rug, i mean look at all this that has been written. it was all for you, all because of you, at least at the onset. but i feel myself mature. i feel like i am well developed, that i am capable of existing without the possibility of romantic intentions while still maintaining a caring disposition to your general and specific well-being. i want to suffer from our closeness in the best ways possible (read that plurally as in there are myriad ways in which we can be close, also suffer in the way that it could mean the best thing possible.)



and here we are, nearing the denouemont of this dramatic chapter of our stories. i wonder with acute anticipation of finding out what happens next.

The sound of nothing poured in through my open windows.

I am in bed. the windows are open and i can hear the world out there. It is completely silent except for the clack of my typing and my breathing as i lay on my chest. Off in the distance i hear the occasional car exert the doppler effect on it’s engine noise. But other than that, nothing. No wind, no late birds or small animals searching through the trees and bushes. It is eerie quiet. If this is real silence, i feel like i am approaching total isolation, complete loneliness. i hold my breath and strain my ears, and maybe i imagine i can hear the blood rush through my veins, pretending to be the ocean trapped in a shell. but i think that it’s made up. it doesn’t really make any sound, i just sort of hope that it’s there. and my lungs are burning, and i let out some carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.



there, another car just passed.


i have hope that i am capable of being in love. i have hope that someone will be passionate about me in a way that i understand passion to function. i want it to be ini. i want to spell her name out, her real name. i want everyone to know. in my head, as i play out these scenarios, people seem to care, maybe even conjure opinions over the situation, and i don’t care in each version. let them think what they think. let them all know. let them. we, she and i, feel so obvious. it feels like some secret that everyone is sort of pretending to not know.


ini, god i wish i just used your real name, i sat there in that strange chair and your feet were close. i just was into your cool shoes. pointy and sort of perfectly shaped. i figure you didn’t build them, but there was this feeling like they belonged to you (besides the fact that they were on your feet). i wanted to rest my hand across the top of your ankle, my giant paw seems like it could wrap around it, sort of. not really at all to hold you or pin you into some sort of trapped instrument of mobility, but rather like an old phone resting on its rotary cradle.


and another car just drove by.

everyone must investigate inwards, always meandering, yielding our understanding rationally so intelligence finds yesterday’s other understanding without any / no trouble.

hello everyone


it’s been a busy few weeks for me. The time is winding down for the school year and so things have been even more hectic than previous quarters. There are lots of things taking place and so the future is not as solid as i had thought it to be. But only time will really tell how this all plays out. I am being sort of cryptic not because i don’t want to talk about it, but more that i don’t really know anything at this point. But i will say that it is about my job certainty.


i was thinking if things would allow, if ideally i could do it, i’d like to live out of the country for a year, just to see how other lives are led. And i think some of that willingness has come from how displaced i have been through my higher education and stint as an educator. And maybe i am reluctant to return to something that i am obligated to return to, but have no real understanding and comprehension of what it actually entails. So i want to run, prolong the distance because it keeps it intact only because i am not around to break it. This i will remain cryptic about, however if you have read this blog, you can surmise what i am talking about.


But on to different things. My camera is a little screwy, and i have wanted a new one for a while now, so i ordered one but it is on backorder and i have to wait 5 weeks, but that is alright with me. in the mean time my old camera will do, but i sort of don’t like the dust spots that have been appearing, and unfortunately there is nothing i can do to remedy it short of only taking pictures of the sun or the darkness. So i wait


But in the time between new camera paradise, i decided to supplement my desire of purchasing power by picking up a new laptop. I am a mac person, so i upgraded my ibook of 5 years to a new macbook. There is still some getting used to because i had the old one totally dialed in. And so now i think i might give my mom my other mac so she could have something to lug around. It’s still in great working order, i just needed the upgrade to run some different programs, so i’m not giving her a lemon. So new computer is fun and exciting.


And it has been a scorcher as of late in most of southern california, and it has sort of grinded my productivity and desire to go back home to a halt. Luckily today had been cooler and the nights are turning out to be perfect where i’m at. But it is definitely shorts weather. So i bought some new shorts, and i am pretty simple when it comes to that type of stuff, so i don’t really change it up too often. I do like different shirts however, so i am in the process of ordering a whole slew of new tshirts for my collection.




But on to something more juicy, something with a bit more gravity. I saw ini today, she was amazing. there is something about that girl that makes me start to fall apart. It was in a group setting but i could not take my eyes off of her, which was hard because i am a nice guy and people like to talk to me (i think). But i wanted to not hold back, and throw my arms around her and just tell her hello, i want to let everyone know what i think about her. how i feel. throw caution to the wind i suppose. actually i sort of want to throw everyone else around us into the wind so that we might be alone. There are people that have too much a vested interest in my life in too close a proximity, and i sort of need some space to just figure this all out. But i can’t be rude to them, i can’t blow them off, i find myself trying to appease a bunch of different people who all like hanging out with me.


oh… boo hoo. it’s not all that bad, it’s just sometimes it can be a bit demanding and too often it occupies my entire day that i can’t seem to get in sync with ini (which is what i really would like to do)


but seeing her today was the best thing so far this week, she trumps new computer and everything!

tell me what to do and i’ll do what i must.

wow. there’s been a lot of activity going on on here beyond my posts, and i really enjoy the comments and readership. so thanks. i’ve been a little lax in keeping up with posts, but i’ve been trying to get to comments at the very least. but the reason that i haven’t posted all too much has been because i’ve been working sort of furiously in the studio for the last week or two. it’s been leaps and bounds in terms of progress. i’ve worked in small spurts before, but this time i am entering into a really big project for the first time since leaving school. And i realize how much of a toll that teaching has taken on my practice and habits. how much it has needed me to invest my time into it. I was not really expecting that, i was thinking that it would have been a smooth transition, but now that i am getting back to a normal studio practice to which i am used to, i can see how much teaching has taken out of me. But it really is a joy to do, the people i teach the people i work with are all wonderful, and it is endlessly rewarding. And this past year i pushed myself to make my classes stand out and accomplish things that i never saw done over my few years at the school. And luckily people have been taking notice and have been saying great things about the job that i’ve been doing. I say that i am lucky that i have really good students, otherwise none of what i’ve set out to do would be possible.


And while this year that i have been teaching was only temporary at best, i just found out that i more than likely will be back to teach in the fall and possibly for the full year. so hooray for me! i think that that is deserved. it’s really strange to be thrust into this teaching position, and when i get a moment to think about it, it starts to get overwhelming, like real life, adult life is descending on me. but when i’m in class, in the thick of it all, i don’t think about it at all, it all feels so natural, so easy to do. so i feel lucky yet again.





but the thing about this is that me and my other have yet another year apart. more time and more distance which is the root to a majority to our problems, so as good as this is for me to continue working, it doesn’t bode well for the sanity of what we have. and i think about how we’ve been the last few years, how hard everything became, how difficult it has been to exist in a state of limbo during the early part of a relationship, at least a relationship that is supposed to last. And i wonder if that drove me to ini, made me seek out someone who i could be with, that i could share physical space with. I suppose that it did to a degree, that proximity played a part in falling in love, but everything was right, the person the timing the mood. all of it. i feel in my heart that she feels similarly. i want to ask her, want to find out for sure, but i won’t. i want her to want to tell me, not tell me because i ask or beg for that information.


and now i wonder where she is, and how our lives collided into one another so catastrophically in the best way possible, and just as fast, just as instantaneously diverted from one another. i’m left standing waiting in the wake of memories not far enough away to call them real memories yet. it’s all too soon to think back on them because they are so ingrained in the daily life i lead up there. it’s all there to remind me of you ini. i miss you and i don’t want our time to be over before it’s begun.