i used to think i knew something. now i know better.

there are these long pauses in life. sort of agonizing in their duration. it feels like the moments between when ini and i are within each others’ vicinity seem to be getting larger and larger, while conversely the time we spend is dwindling. you might chalk it up to her not liking me. i might chalk it up to the same thing too. or maybe it is my inaction that is the culprit. but i want to say that i’m trying. i’m trying to do what i feel is needing to be done. and maybe she just doesn’t feel the same way i do.



but then, how exactly do i feel?



i’m fine, thanks for asking.



no really, i’m fine. but how do i feel about everything right now, i suppose is the better question.




i guess everything is the same. i really feel like we need to give this a shot, her and i. at least i feel like it deserves everything i’ve got to throw at it. but these gaps, these ever expanding chasms between us are starting to take their toll on me. not at all dissuading me to keep trying, but making me at least wonder for how long should i go on. do i need to take a hint at this? are these actions, or inactions rather, the things i need to see. or am i looking too far into something that is maybe nothing at all. and i don’t mean that this relationship between her and i, the friendship we have or the romance i want, are nothing. i meant that i’m looking too hard at every nuance that it’s starting to be more destructive then beneficial. but love does that i suppose. it amplifies everything. makes everything bigger and more meaningful, and sometimes that makes the world harder to stomach.


and i think of the future. i think of what do i do if this happens. what do i do if it doesn’t. i have no ideas. and even more so it feels like life is really going to come knocking on my door soon enough. i know that this life that i’ve had, sort of nomadic and free, yet stable enough to participate in, is winding down finally. and i don’t know what’s next. there doesn’t seem to be anything i can be sure of for the future. i have no anchor. and i suppose to continue a nautical metaphor, the wind is blowing in every direction. all i have to do is steer.


but love is a wonderful place to be. sort of scary. it makes my heart race, or rather, she makes my heart race. i’m jonesing for her in the worst way. and maybe it’s better to not see her. so that maybe the inevitable of this thing not happening is less heartbreaking. but the problem with that is that the lack of interaction is equally heartbreaking. i guess there is no winning at this game for me.


but i’m not sad or depressed by any means. i feel good about life. i feel excited by the potential. and part of that has to do with meeting ini in the first place. helping me understand what it was to have this all over again. i wouldn’t have done it without her.


my yearning is related to wanting to share this great thing with a great person.


and the other. what is happening there. nothing. we’re friends. i love her. but we’re not lovers by any means. it compounds its emotional wreckage by having to watch love alter in a way that it makes you feel like love is dying. maybe that doesn’t make sense. and maybe it does. i can’t tell the difference anymore. but i miss her. i miss the way my hand fit over hers. it’s hard to make sense of any of this. it gets more convoluted the longer time goes on, and all of this is just happening in my head. i hear voices (not really, and i’m not any more or less crazy than i am normal) and i have conversations that play out over and over again. sometimes they repeat reality and other times they are conjured out of the ether. and the line between the two is so blurry and crooked. i lack clarity. but then if i think it is it true if i think it is true?

maybe i’m having an existential crisis.


it wouldn’t be the first time.

but the complexities of all of this… it’s so hard to explain everything that is going on. i really am trying. i’m trying to be honest about this situation, but i know that every side has a different story, and i’m eager to listen to those.






——————————————————————————————————————



maybe something different to not think about the things we think about when we try not to think.


music. how about some music.


Kon & Amir released another great album “kon & amir present off track volume 2″. it’s available on itunes. they do an amazing job of finding some great tracks of rare soul and funk. this album has even better tracks than the first off track. it gets a little bit more consistently worldly than previous albums. in the past they have included cambodian (?) covers of songs, some dub and dance hall stuff, and other neat tidbits. in this album they dedicated a lot of time to some african inspired soul. really good grooves going on. i drove around town today, taking the scenic route just hanging out with that album.


And in a similar vein, i just got 9 or so albums of Fela Kuti. i’ve had ‘zombie’ for a while, but just recently got a whole slew of albums. Fela Kuti is often touted as africa’s James Brown. His songs have a long groove going on. the albums are lush in their orchestration, and while the jam can go abstract at times, the band is good at bringing it back with a thunder. pick up zombie as a good starting point or check out some youtube videos of him in action. also he has a pretty amazing story, sort of pales other musicians lives.


For a more contemporary sound, check out Omega Love. i have their self titled cd, and they have a new one on the way. Philly seems like the place for great music, and they definitely add to my perception of the city. they sound like… um i don’t know, a bunch of different bands all at the same time. i hear brand new heavies, the cardigans, esthero, and some other stuff as well. i’m excited about their new album because i heard a single off of it. check out their myspace.


and i just picked up Do Make Say Think’s ‘you, you’re a history in rust’. i’ve only listened to it a bit, but i’ve liked their previous albums. they make provocative (mostly) instrumental songs that range from indie pop to avant garde, a la broken social scene (one of my favorite bands ever).



and another i’ve picked up but have not listened to at all is wolf parade’s ‘feed the animals’. i loved their ‘apologies to the queen mary’ album so much, and i will write a review once i let it sink in.


And on a bad note, weezer’s new album (the red one) is verging on really really bad. i’m trying to give them a fair shake, and maybe i just don’t get it anymore or maybe it’s over my head, but this album is lacking in so many ways. the songs are overly simple and lack the complexities of songs like ‘only in dreams’ and ‘i just threw out the love of my dreams’ and ‘tired of sex’. And maybe this is a case of how pinkerton sort of disappointed at first in the shadow of the blue album but slowly became a piece of genius start to finish. The only problem with that thinking is that i’ve been saying that for the last 3 albums and it has yet to happen for any of those, and i sort of doubt it’ll happen with this one. stop doing what you’re doing and start proving me wrong, please!

okay i’ve been away a bit too long.

thanks for still checking in to see if anything has happened here, and sorry that nothing has for the last 10 days. i’m back.


so in the few days that i’ve been missing in action, a few things occurred. not anything in any gigantic sense, but things. and still i suppose that that is something.


school had come to a nice end. i felt as if i have accomplished something. and this is not a selfish proclamation. the students in my class all year long made amazing work. it feels like there is an energy, a sort of fervor, towards art making that has been a bit absent. at least during the time that i was doing my graduate studies there. There are confident kids out there that are making strong work, and i feel like i might have had something to do with that. that maybe i helped infect them with the love towards art making that i have, and that maybe they’ll remember me as they go on, the way i fondly remember the teachers that helped me get through my early stages. and more so, other faculty has taken notice to the work that i put into it, and they’ve given me kind words and encouragement to pursue teaching. i would like them to give me a more permanent job though instead… i’m kidding. no, but really if they gave me a more stable position that would be awesome. but i feel like i’ve had a positive influence on the students, and that they’ve built a good working relationship with me. and i look forward to working with them in the future.


to cap off the end of the year, the art department held an annual student show, and while the show as a whole was very good, i feel like the kids that i chose made some of the strongest work.


and i suppose that this is petty, but my teaching peer, who is also the guy that i sort of compete for jobs with, chose a student in my class to put in a piece that she had done in my class. and while they had worked together in the past, the fact was that he chose a piece that he had nothing to do with and that i had initiated. while he and i are still very professional and are somewhat friendly, there is still a sense of competitiveness between us because we are both jockeying for the same position.


but on the other end of the spectrum, a good friend was given a job at the school, and now he and i are in competition for positions. and i just found out that he was given the intermediate class while i was given the beginning class. this really bummed me out (as well as a lot of the students) because i feel really invested in helping the kids along. and i sort of see it as problematic because he is sort of notoriously very traditional and has a lot of strict rules set up that i feel could stifle or retard the students progression. but i know that it is good for them to get a range of teaching styles to expose them to new things, so i can’t be too mad. i just hope that he won’t mess them up. And furthermore, i understand that i might be a better fit for the beginning class because of this very reason, that i can start them off in ways that challenge traditional modes of making art as opposed to making them fit within those traditions, especially earlier on in their art education. in the end, i still want to work with the more advanced students and they with me.


and yet more about school. i know that i won’t be where i am forever, but i know that i’m there for a little longer, and it has been bittersweet to see two of my best students leave school for other places. they both were unhappy with what they were getting at the school (i assume myself excluded from that list) and are going to other places as of yet unknown. But they were the best i had seen, and i really hope that they got something from me. and they, as well as everyone else i teach, is always welcome to talk to me and talk about art from here on out ( not that they will read this or that you might care, but i put it out there anyway).


and after the student show ini and i (as well as a bunch of other people) hung out for a long time. this was the first time in a while, and i quickly remembered how easy it was. how fun it was to be around people you care about, people that matter. it makes it all right. it makes it alright. actually it makes it fantastic. and it made the heartache of the last 6 months sort of melt away. that at that split second in the length of a lifetime, everything felt amazing. i couldn’t ask for more. but that doesn’t stop me wanting to ask for more.

and it feels like there is yet more story to take place, more life to figure out. it feels like i can shed the fear of this all being so finite.

just a little thing to let you know that i’m alive.

i’ve been a little bit busy helping my roommate get moved. she is finally leaving today, but with the apartment and the studio, there was a bunch of stuff to go through. And on top of that i’m feeling a little stressed out on how i’m going to afford living where i do, so i am in talks with someone else to see if they want to split rent. But the only thing is that i feel i will only be here up through the end of the year, and i don’t want to mess anyone up by making them have to find a roommate half way through the school year.

so that’s sort of been my main thing.

i had just recently finished my first big art project in a long while. i’ve been plugging away at smaller things, but this is good because it gets me back into the swing of my normal studio practice. i’m excited to get into the studio and keep this trend going all summer long.

on a different note, a friend just went through his first (as far as i know) proclamation of affection towards this girl in his class. He is older, so that is strange that it has taken as long as it has, but i suppose that it happens when it happens. But i sort of feel like he does not know how to handle all of the things that come with being let down. or maybe he is handling it the way i did when it happened for me when i was 15 or 16 or whatever age. anyway, having to talk to him about this conjures up sentiments towards my own romantic tragedies (truth be told, i’m probably always thinking of my romantic tragedies whatever the situation), and i’ve been going down memory lane. Long story short, i don’t think this friend is dealing with it well, he’s acting rather immature (and while he is relatively young, he is emotionally and socially retarded it seems) and is acting out in sort of a destructive manner. He is not at all in danger of harming himself or others ( i don’t think he has it in him), he’s just being a big baby and it’s getting annoying. but i’ll give him a couple of days to whine and wallow in his misery before i tell him to do it on his own time away from me.

lots of parentheticals in that paragraph.

be back in a jiffy.

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you my heartache.

this title makes me think of the Spiritualized album “ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space” and the title song at the beginning of the record. it came out right after high school for me, and it reminds me of the fall of my second year of college. it makes me sad, sort of inflective, over that time. it makes my memories play out like a pensive movie montage, maybe because that is how i thought life was supposed to be back then. i was so directionless, i didn’t understand what i was doing in school, i had no life, i was a failure at love. It makes me feel an achy pain in my chest when i think about that time of my life. but it’s a beautiful album and is just so laden with sentiment and heartbreak that makes it an interesting listen, even in light of the way it makes me feel (actually probably because of the way it makes me feel.) anyway, the title track has a verse that goes ‘all i want in life is a little bit of love to take the pain away.’ is there nothing more perfect than that phrase?


how do we go on when we are heartbroken? it feels so impossible to make pretend gestures that your heart is capable to love again after it has been shattered. but then one day it is all possible. it all starts to happen before you have the chance to realize that anything has changed.


maybe it’s like a friends hair. if you see them everyday, their hair grows at a normal rate, but you normalize its progress and stop noticing any change. but if you only see them sporadically, their hair grows, and as more time passes without interaction, the next time you see them after an extended time apart, their hair will most likely look different(granted that they don’t have it cut the same way.)


but you forget that you were feeling that pain, maybe because you expect it to be there, and at first it’s all you can focus on, but after a while it becomes a part of the daily routine until it just disappears and gets swallowed up by the background.


i have this sinking feeling that ini doesn’t feel at all similarly towards me that i do to towards her. and it makes my heart ache like thinking back to those early college days does. but because this is so current and of the moment, it feels like it’s a more intense sort of feeling. i can feel that acheyness travel out to my elbows, all tingle and electricity running through outstretched arms. i’m tired of imagining all of this. i want this fantasy to become reality. but i’m frightened by the end of it all as well. i’m ready for anything that comes my way. i want to be a part of life. i want to be included in all the fun and excitement.