we are getting closer to being further

you have the most beautiful eyes. they make me wish i could see the world the way you do. my tired eyes are tired of the way they see the mundane. but the one thing that makes my eyes better than yours is that i can look at you. i get to see you. i get to be amazed and awe-inspired by you.


i believe in you. i have hope in you. and seeing you gives me hope.


hope that this is all worth everything. hope that i’m the right person.


you have the most beautiful smile. sort of perfect due to its flaws (but its flaws are really few). it is the sort of smile that is uncontrollable, better yet it isn’t containable. it unabashedly arrives on your face in a way that permeates the atmosphere and melts hearts. often it is too much to take in, like staring at the sun.


when i met you so long ago, i knew within those first few moments that i was into you. you posses that unquantifiable thing that makes you better than 99.9% of the rest of the world. you have that thing that makes you stand out from everything else. And while the eyes and smile (and really, everything else about you) are all very very enjoyable, it’s this other thing, this unnameable thing that makes me want to be around you. maybe it is you in your totality, or maybe it’s just one thing added on top, whatever it is, for me you are the one that i long to be with.


i know, it sounds crazy. but at the same time it’s completely sane, written down as adroitly as possible in plain english.


by the way my name is mark (but i’ll still go by boreyou).


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i was digging through some old cds and dvds the last time i came home, so here are some things that i’ve brought back with me.


i have a fond spot in heart for Hall & Oates. i don’t really know specifically what album because i have a greatest hits plus 3 cds that i’ve picked up in discount bins at gas stations while out on long drives. But they are such a great band and write such perfect songs. they hold up really well, and i think that is due in part because they don’t really get that passing interest in 80s soft rock like other bands such as journey and chicago. there’s really no irony to listening to their music because it is really straight forward and really good. i could list a bunch of different songs, but really you can’t go wrong with any of them.


i dug up 2 old Brand New Heavies albums, “Brother Sister” and “excursions”. Both of these have NDea Davenport as their singer, and were the albums when they were at their peak. They have released a bunch of albums since then with a few other singers, and recently reunited with NDea to put out a new record. But these 2 are early 90s london funk at its best. And while Jamiroquai (with bassist Stuart Zender) might have been the more popular band associated with the genre, BNH did it right and without being gimmicky. So if you are interested in dance style tracks of the 90s that aren’t too electro or house, this is worth a listen. (but i do have to say that the videos from these albums are sort of cringe inducing, sort of in a Clueless fashion sense)


i’m not sure if i’ve talked about it before but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fantastic show. it is perfect. and i bring it up because i recently saw that there was an ad for all of the seasons being on sale for 17 dollars each, which is so much better than when i bought them at full price (but well worth it still). anyway it was at bestbuy which i sort of despise but still go to.


and it seems that i like a lot of things that just don’t have any longevity to them like Arrested Development, NewsRadio, Veronica Mars, Cavemen (yes cavemen). And not to be excluded in that list is the always talked about “Freaks and Geeks”. I love that show so much. everything about it was so well done. And it rang so true to life, not ever glossed over or dolled up. it is one of the bests things ever on TV. I think sometimes that it is sort of better to have these shows end the way they do, that it helps maintain their quality and their mystique. i have to hide the dvds of this show because when i start watching i can’t stop. i end up watching all the episodes and disappearing for a few days, which is not good for work.

hello, in my yearning, never allowing malleable emotions, I slighted my attempts rather knowingly.

home again for a moment.



the funny thing about coming home is that i am just a normal person.


Up in school, i’m an artist and teacher. i am a person of great influence and part of the public spectacle. I’m a purveyor of culture and culturally important thinking. I am someone that people pay attention to. I am no glory hound, i just am commanding because of the role that people know me to fill. I’m down to earth about the whole art thing. i don’t feel like art should be exclusive and insular, but i know that it is. So i make an effort to normalize it, but i know that i can’t completely walk away from some of the things that make art difficult, for example the way that i talk about art. Art speak is often lofty and very esoteric, which does nothing to help include lay people into art. And while i often veer into that kind of talk, i make a conscious effort to be more simple when i talk about art, or at least alter the way i talk according to who i am speaking to. But yeah, art rock star? maybe, but a cool rock star, not the kind that won’t chill out with people that like them.


But back at home i’m just a normal person. I’m not the artist par excellance that i am when i’m away (and i’m saying that sort of tongue in cheekly, sort of.) I’m just my mom’s son, who’s room is still in need of a good cleaning and that i should take out the trash without having to be asked and where is the tape measure because no one can find it and i was the last one that used it 3 years ago. so just sort of normal. they don’t think i’m any more special than i already am.

it’s all sorts of sobering.


but in a good way, not ego deflating to the point of detriment way.


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i want you all to know that it doesn’t take much. i feel often that i am at a loss for knowing what is going to happen, and that turns into a low level of hopelessness. it’s just that being unsure does not allow for my assuredness. i know that sounds obvious. i am not sad about this at all, just confused. maybe curious. curious to see how the future pans out. but it doesn’t take much as i said. just these glimmers of hope, of interest in my direction, are all i need to keep pushing on. not at all trudging, more boldly making my way forward interested in each step, not burdened by them. i can see it, without knowing what it is. you(her) give me hope that i want to hold on to. you(her) make me want to keep going. let’s enjoy this crazy.

I just want to know if you’ve got room in your heart.

I just realized that i’m sort of lacking realistic concern towards the future. It feels like i am really set on being in the moment. And i feel that i have to force myself to consider the outcome of my actions and situations in life. And furthermore that having to do this is the root of my over-thinking. I think that that sounds reasonable.


i’m ready for this to happen in the worst way possible. i just want something to occur. And i feel a little tired of instigating or initiating these things in my life. I feel like being lazy and letting it come to me. But then part of me thinks that time stops if i stop trying, that i have to keep on keeping on because no one else will do it for me.

I’m used to this.





on a related but completely divergent tangent, i want to say sexy things. i want to fill your head with the sort of prose that might make you want to kiss me. maybe less the idea that the words are doing anything, and more that you might just want me to shut up for a second. i’m sort of didactic when i say things of this nature (in case any of you were curious).

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one album to talk about right now.


This one is an oldie but goodie. Goldie’s ‘Timeless’ is a great album. it is drum and bass, so that puts it in the category of electronic, but really it is so much more than that. It is gospel and r&b, along the lines of marvin’s ‘what’s going on’, but electronic (and i sort of despise the term electronic or electronica because back then we just called it all techno, and then there were sub genres.). This came out in 1995, and it makes me remeber being a crazy pent up high schooler. i had so much going on inside of me, and i felt that all i needed was the right place to let it all out. It makes me feel the sort of frustration i had back then, but also it gives me the hope i had as well. i don’t know what came over me last night, but i was struck with the feeling to find my copy of it and listen to it again. I think the last time i listened to it was around 2000, before i made the commitment to pursue education more seriously. it has so much going on, it is such a dynamic album. But back in high school i felt like i found a gem in this album. i would be a bit more selfish with my music and have a sense of ownership over records that i felt responsible for. i have this both on tape and on cd (just an aside to how much i like this album).


anyway, this album is a deep album that can get you moving, or just chill out and get into a head nodding sort of mood. Go listen to the album, it’s perfect (and don’t really bother with saturns return, his second album).

An open letter to whom my concern once garnered.

dear xxxxxxxxxx,

what happened? the last time we talked, where did we leave it? i just can’t figure out what it was that you wanted. i’ve never been angry at you before that day. well maybe i was angry at some point. but i just didn’t let it out. i didn’t get angry at you.



i am frustrated with everything that has transpired, and that is painful and makes me mad that i wasn’t able to do anything about it.



and your reluctance and apathy towards any attempt of salvaging this thing, being so unrelentingly blaze’ about the whole thing really destroyed this love i have had in my heart.

but love can be shattered, and hearts can be broken, but the shards and pieces don’t just disappear. they sit there inside that chest cavity, and sort of shift and jostle around while they lodge themselves into the soft fleshy insides.


i tried on numerous occasions to resuscitate what we have. and the only time it would even approach that, was when we were nearing dire straits and would try to reel it back in. try to catch a bit more of that magic (fleeting) feeling.


did you try too? i think you did, but maybe i didn’t see it.


we both just gave up i think.


what does it all add up to. i can’t see the forest for the trees.


so does it work, us taking this breath. i am resisting urges to recoil back to the comfort of the white noise of life.


sincerely,

xxxxxxxxxxx

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well it is not that sad. it is hard to think that this feels normal. i feel like moving on with my life.


ini. i think you still read this. i want to figure so much out. you need time and space to work on stuff. i’ve got al the time to give you.


sigh…



hahaha. i feel kind of all over the place. up and down, happy sad. i am crazy.

my life could be in shambles. but it’s not.

i’m sort of exasperated. i’m a little tired of my life right now. i’m not trying to be so down in the dumps. it feels like i can’t really look at this right now. i just don’t feel that it would have been productive for my own well being. so i felt that i had to walk away from this for a bit. a couple weeks off was not much in terms of time, but it did a great service to me just getting my head in a better place. so i apologize for the sudden disappearance.


things become unclear the more time is moving forward. while i have started to make some plans for the future in regards to employment, i still don’t know what to do after that is up. And that’s the thing about working as a lower level teacher in college, you really are just at the mercy of the people in charge. and i’ve tried to accept it, i’ve tried to prepare myself for the end of my time in the place that i am currently at. i’ve started to tell myself that it will all be good once i go back to my home. but now, new things may open up here, and that throws a wrench in my retreat. if the school offered me more time up here, i’d have to take the job. i can’t not take it. i want the job. but it feels like i’m drawing out my return. it feels like i ran away from something and i’m just doing things in order to keep running.


but that’s only one side. i knew what i was getting myself into. i have hope that this is all for something greater in the future. that i am investing in myself, my life. but this struggle of job security has me really worried. i have hope in my heart that this will work out, but it’s waning. i just want to know that it will be. and i know that i just can’t see it yet. it’ll get there.



life and love and all that stuff.



and what of love?


i don’t know.


it sucks to have a broken heart. that’s all i can say.


i try. i want love and i want to be a good person. so that’s what i’m trying to do. i am putting myself in positions that i feel correct. i am enacting actions i feel are right.


i want that feeling. i want that girl across from me to want me as much as i would want her.




i wish i had the chance for us to be close. give me the chance to hear what you have to say to me. i want to rest my hands across you.

Well i don’t know, maybe it’s still too soon

this has been a fun and hectic fourth of july weekend, which started off hectic well before the weekend. Various natural disasters had made the entire week building up to the weekend something of a problematic time. There was some sort of emergency that caused quite a panic throughout the area, with businesses shutting down, power outages, and various other things that make the world seem like it was about to end. and it sort of did. it became a ghost town in the matter of days. and because of things falling apart, i have had limited access to this thing. and because there was nothing really going on, or could go on, i packed my stuff and headed home for the holiday.


i like barbecues. i like food that tastes sort of charred. it’s really good. but the thing i’m not into are fireworks. i’m just not there anymore. i used to like them, when i was 10. but that magic is lost. i think part of it has to do with knowing how they work. but the majority is from feeling that it is a false spectacle. maybe it is a true spectacle. that fireworks exist to make things seem more important. that it is a fake thing, like a coat of paint on a piece of shit. And don’t take that as me saying that fourth of july is a terrible thing. i like that holiday. it just seems that fireworks seem less spectacular, and more along the lines of an everyday thing. especially if you’ve been by disneyland at night on a frequent enough basis.


This makes me think of an episode of 30 rock, when they plan a fireworks extravaganza, and it wasn’t for the 4th. it’s a funny episode, and i think that it touches on a lot of sentiments that i have.

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go watch the venture brothers on adult swim. it is one of the greatest shows ever. you can watch it online at adultswim.com . i’m pretty sure i’ve talked about this before, but i just watched an episode online and i laughed so hard and outloud, which is a rare thing for a tv show to do.


and another show is my boys on tbs. it’s fun and easy enough to get into. there is nothing too complicated about it, every episode is rather self contained, and the writing is smart and funny. definitely one of the better things on TV right now, and it’s on with new episodes all summer long.


the thing is, is that i don’t have TV to watch at my place, so when i’m home that is one of my main priorities, try to get caught up on what’s happening in tv land, and enjoy the endless possibilities. so yeah. TV.
<BR
and probably try to do some laundry for free.





and now the end of the weekend is here, and i am headed back up. hopefully it isn’t a town in shambles, but more than likely it probably is.


more once i get the chance.