O.A.I.B. Part 3

Being up where i am is strange. It has given me another opportunity to present myself the way that i desired to be presented. There was nothing from my past that was at all connected to me up here. There was no direct influence. I was a new person and unknown and a blank slate. I never strove for being anyone other than who i already am, just now i was streamlined. I could be, a bit more exacting a bit more precise about who i am. No funny stories of my horrific days at high school or my crazy life in community college. not unless i told them. I was finally an adult. i had grown out of my insecurities (mostly). I felt like i was the person i wanted to be all along, i just didn’t know it back then.


but here i am. outgoing and personable. friendly and smart and confident. Making friends was easy. It had always been easy. but this place was different. everybody wasn’t from here, everybody was from somewhere else. so we were all new and all allowed to play make believe with our lives. And on top of that we were all the same, we all were interested in making art. And that is a great thing that can divide people and unite people. And so in a very rapid manner i became friends with people in the program. But because this is school, this doesn’t last forever (unless you’re me it seems). So friends that you see daily graduate. Then it’s time for them to go.


So over the course of 2 months, 6 really good friends, people that i spent most of my time with for the last 2 years, packed up their stuff and left. There’s nothing more than that, it’s quite simple. But it is an emotional moment, and when you multiply that by so many things it causes a bit of wear. And so you try to spend time with them as much as possible, try to live it up as best you can. and just hope that you get the chance to hang out with them again.


And while all that’s happening i was offered a spot to work on a mural for the city. And more than just being a drone i was handed a good portion of creative control and responsibility in directing the project. It was difficult working on making art by committee, but i feel that we did it rather successfully. But it was a full time job that required showing up for the 4 weeks we had to work on it. Did i mention that we were on an impossible deadline from start to finish because the other 2 leaders were on their way out of the city, so that by the end i was the only one left in charge.


And on top of all of that I was busy with work over the summer, which i am still fully immersed in. The difficult thing about summer classes is that i am trying to condense 10 weeks of material into 6 weeks in a clear and coherent manner that will benefit the students in making art, and not just merely giving them busy work all summer long. and for whatever reason some of the worst students come out for summer classes. I’ve been teaching a year and a half and i had been a TA for 2 years, and i see people that only take these classes during the summer. I think that they were looking for an easier class, a way to get around putting forth the normal effort. but unfortunately for them and myself, that is not the case. I have them working at a breakneck pace and a lot of them are struggling to keep up. But as always there are a few good kids in there that make it all worthwhile.


so phew…. i’ve been busy and hectic and on a crazy up and down trajectory and only now do things feel like they are evening out. And i know that it will only last for a few more weeks like this until the start of the actual school year comes around, then it’s back to the grind all over again, not like i’ve ever stopped.

O.A.I.B. Part 2

My other and i had gone through a very difficult past few years. The beginning of our relationship was filled with passion and proximity. We were always together, and because of that we were confident to be apart throughout the day. We met while we were in school, so we had some common ground over the first 3 years that we were together. But then I moved away. And everyone asked me how it was going. And i would respond that things were fine. and they were, i wasn’t lying. Things were still idyllic, we missed each other so hard. I figure that that was the way things are supposed to be. It makes things real because the pain of being away from each other is palpable. But the truth was that we started to be miserable because the pain was real. And so it made it easier to just not talk all the time. why point out that we miss each other on a daily basis, more salt on the wound it seems. so it became easier to throw ourselves into the lives we had started as we moved into life after. It became easier to pretend that we didn’t hurt and miss each other. It became easier to pretend to forget that pain. And in the end it became easier to forget.


But moments that we could share together were fine up until it came time to depart one another. everything was swept under the rug, all the insecurities and anguish would disappear for the few fleeting moments we had. But they would quickly come back and wave our irrational behaviors in our faces. maybe not hers but mine most certainly.


Then the heart strays. feeling empty and feeling lonely, we both were searching for life and love like we’ve come to know. i hadn’t found it, but she had. and fighting tooth and nail to keep her and redeem myself to her wounded me. It made evident that i was weak because of this desire for being in love. But it was a weakness that i wanted, that i want. And cooler heads kept us together. And walking to the brink of us ending and being able to survive that, reignited these passionate ideas.


But the reality was the same. I was where i am and she was where she is, and that means that we are not in the same place together. And as quickly as those passions erupted, they were quietly quelled. and we returned to some sort of status quo. And the attempts at forgetting became easier and passion was replaced with familiarity and feelings of forced romance. And not for lack of trying, not for pleading and demanding and being rational at times and giving everything i could.





and so it was that i met someone. and while that is a different story. it is the same story.

but my other and i just dissolved. like red food dye in water, while we were in a small cup we were so potent, but the moment we were plunged into an ocean, we were diluted to the point where we seemingly no longer existed. It, this, has gone on long enough. it was just a moment where you feel helpless and nothing can replace the pain in your chest. and your eyes sting and your throat closes. my temples throbbed. but what do you do when you love someone and they love you back, but it all feels hopeless, and it all feels like it’s not love. what do you do when your heartbreaks like the way you’ve never dreamt it could, not in a grand way, but slowly and steadily, all while you watch helplessly.


and is life ever so finite. i know that it’s not. nothing ever ends. it’s all just one long continuous thing we do. one event leading to the next and the next, ad nauseum.


but what now. i talk to her still. as frequently as i had before which was very infrequently. i still care about her. she says she’s not interested in being with anyone right now. i don’t know if that makes it better. fuck getting my head on straight, i just want to throw it away and try things without thinking so much.

okay, and i’m back. Part 1

i was hit with an amazing set of circumstances over the last couple of weeks. Initially i was waiting for things to happen. Ini was in the process of moving away, and i really felt the need to try to be the best i could. Not in any act of desperation, but to just use the opportunity of proximity to try to make the world a little bit different. So i stopped writing for a bit just to keep this a bit more close to the vest. Life was being as much a surprise to me as i wanted it to be for everyone else. I didn’t want to feel too rehearsed or too planned.



So i stopped typing.



I was also dealing with some other friends leaving very rapidly as well. So things got hectic helping everybody else get ready to move and trying to spend time with them.



Then there was a chance to do a public art piece for the local museum, and i jumped at the offer. That was an intense undertaking but one that was well worth it. I got to work with amazing people and do amazing things.


And then more seriosly things rapidly dissolved between my other and i. We shared some last minutes to talk things through, to see where things were. And i don’t know any more now than i did then.



So here i am. back from the abyss. sitting in the abyss. defining the abyss, maybe inviting you over for some tea and cake. let’s make it a party. i’m back.

And there’ll be more about all this in a day or two.



hello again.

All the while, we were waiting to hear what you had to say.

And so here i am. a third of the way through the year. i feel like i have just participated in cannonball run or something. or maybe still in cannonball run. my head is swimming.

Anyway, the reason for the feeling is that i have not had a sufficient break in a long while. I suppose that there were those 3 weeks around the holidays last year. But i haven’t had more than a few days off at a time. And while that sounds whiney and wimpy, the fact is that i will only get 3 weeks off for this entire year until the holidays roll around again. Granted this is not the most taxing job in the world, in fact it is quite enjoyable and fulfilling. But the job requires a lot, at least in the capacity in which i am approaching it. Because i only had the previous year lined up, and was uncertain about summer and fall, i went at teaching with a fever to do things that i felt had not been done. To really strive to make the students become more active in making art than previous classes. And it paid off. i was hired on to teach a bit longer, but that means a nonstop schedule. So i am quickly appreciating the breaks i do get.


But more than just my employment, everything has been a roller-coaster. I feel like this might have been a level of productivity for me that i have never seen. i feel like i’ve been involved in so many different avenues of creativity. and i’ve approached each one with fervor and glee. This being a main one.


I take these moments i have, these moments between things, and i try to clear my head of everything, i try to not think of all the things i’m supposed to be thinking about and all the things i’m actually thinking about, and get them out of my head. i do a pretty good job. i feel that my martial arts training has helped with this. plus i’m a bit of an existentialist so i can do a lot of thinking that transforms into meditations on nothing.





I think of all the comments i get, and i genuinely try to answer them. thank you for keeping up with this blog and reading and making comments. it really keeps me going. And i’ll admit that sometimes the comments feel like they are very personal to me, like it makes me think that some of you out there might know me. If that’s true send me a line and let me know. it’d be really nice. But if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t worry about it. And for everybody, please feel free to write candidly, i’m really interested in what you have to say, and i do my best to really try and comprehend your words.