We were young once

I knew that one day I would fall in love. I knew that it would happen in a realistic manner. That it would be reciprocal. Not the way love had been lopsided in the past. I knew that my heart would be chased as much as it was chasing. That was when I was young. That was when I knew better than to admit that I didn’t know better.

Now. Older. Smarter but not wiser. What is it I know now? Everything I wish I knew then and then some. But in reality no more now then ever before. I know that love isn’t something you can ever balance. You can try, by god must you try, but it can’t happen. It’s like trying to keep the water inside of a glass steady while you’re sitting on a boat. And in a macro sense what is steady when the earth spins on its axis, rotates around the sun, spins through the galaxy, collapsing on infinity, growing towards nothingness. We dance around like fools for something that we can never control.

This is not pessimism. This is celebratory. I love love. While love is not victimless, it is by no means a crime. It only feels like that sometimes. It only is like that sometimes. Maybe even most times.

It’s no different for me. I’d like to tell you that it’s all figured out. But I couldn’t. Not honestly. I know that love and life might not be the way I hoped, the way I dreamed( the dream I dreamt a million nights for as long as I’ve known you), but it doesn’t stop me from loving. It doesn’t keep me from wanting. It just keeps me dreaming.

You there, the girl that placed my head in the clouds, all of this has been for you. I hope that this has been something worth your while.

A quote attributed to kristofer kristoferson:
“it’s bad when you love them more than they love you, but it’s the worst when they love you more than you love them.”

The world is not flat, it’s just big.

And with the quickness, I am back to this thing.


a brief recap of my life from last we met. I had to move. i had to finish up the fall quarter. thanksgiving. uncle passed away. funeral. not living where i worked. commuting. finish moving. make art. do grades. life in general.


so here i am.


what could i tell you that could make sense of the things that i’m thinking. i have more to say and more to do. i’m just exhausted by life. my heart and head are tired.


this has been the most amazing thing. writing this blog, being able to communicate to everyone out there with such candor, i feel really amazed that i’ve done this (relatively) consistently for an entire year. i feel that i’ve grown and worked a lot of things out.


i fell in love a long time ago. and the thing about that feeling is that it doesn’t seem to stop. we try to guide it to our whims and our desires, but the truth is that we are just helpless in its presence. we have no choice in the matter, it just happens and we can only do our best to make sense of everything and just try to do what we feel is the right thing to do at any given moment.



my life, more so the people in my life, are all in different places. and i’m afraid that i am stuck wherever it is that they aren’t for the moment. and while that makes it difficult to forge ahead, it is not impossible. the people i love know that i love them, even if i hold my tongue and keep it just to myself. my heart is not that good at keeping up the illusion. not that i ever wanted to, not that i ever had to. i just understand restraint. i understand scaling back, but by no means is it an easy thing to do. i want to pour it all out, give it all. my life. yours.


if i am to keep going, i don’t need anything but the feeling that what it is i’m doing is true to me. now, the here and now, hasn’t offered any more clarity then what was afforded me when i started documenting my travails. All i have now are the feelings and emotions i forged a long time ago. distance has indeed made the heart grow fonder. those old feelings are the foundation on which i build some endless construct of new thoughts and desires. it is my own tower of babel, reaching for something that i might understand is impossible, but my own hubris and yearning keeps me trying, stops me from giving up. And maybe i’m not as obvious now, maybe i’m not as forward, but i’m still here. still giving what i can.

does that offer any explanation of my situation? i’m sure i stated that even though part of something may be over, it is actually far from over. We are in a different phase, a different place and time. there is no resolution because that would mean that this has ended. and i never want this to end between us.