I knew that one day I would fall in love. I knew that it would happen in a realistic manner. That it would be reciprocal. Not the way love had been lopsided in the past. I knew that my heart would be chased as much as it was chasing. That was when I was young. That was when I knew better than to admit that I didn’t know better.
Now. Older. Smarter but not wiser. What is it I know now? Everything I wish I knew then and then some. But in reality no more now then ever before. I know that love isn’t something you can ever balance. You can try, by god must you try, but it can’t happen. It’s like trying to keep the water inside of a glass steady while you’re sitting on a boat. And in a macro sense what is steady when the earth spins on its axis, rotates around the sun, spins through the galaxy, collapsing on infinity, growing towards nothingness. We dance around like fools for something that we can never control.
This is not pessimism. This is celebratory. I love love. While love is not victimless, it is by no means a crime. It only feels like that sometimes. It only is like that sometimes. Maybe even most times.
It’s no different for me. I’d like to tell you that it’s all figured out. But I couldn’t. Not honestly. I know that love and life might not be the way I hoped, the way I dreamed( the dream I dreamt a million nights for as long as I’ve known you), but it doesn’t stop me from loving. It doesn’t keep me from wanting. It just keeps me dreaming.
You there, the girl that placed my head in the clouds, all of this has been for you. I hope that this has been something worth your while.
A quote attributed to kristofer kristoferson:
“it’s bad when you love them more than they love you, but it’s the worst when they love you more than you love them.”
December 22, 2008 at 4:37 am |
Have things gotten too messy for resolution? All those crazy actions taken here and all over the world. We knew they were wrong and destined for failure from the start. Yet, we let them go on and on. No I don’t like the idea of cracking down on internet sharing, but what about the copyright laws being violated? Seventeen below zero, sure hope the electricity doesn’t go out. Are alternatives worth the risk of exposure to radiation? Maybe the penalty should be harsher for the haves instead of the have nots. What is all of this and what do you want to achieve?
January 1, 2009 at 8:31 am |
January 1, 2009 at 6:49 pm |
Happy New Year!! May this year bring the best of days for you. This year and the last few have brought way too much sadness and loss for some of us. One by one the struggles seem to keep coming our way. The thoughtful and heartfelt words of a friend such as you have a way of lifting me up when I have started to fall. Thankyou for being here and sharing. And I have held a place in my heart for one very special lady for a while now. She has her own life though and I need to allow her to be free. So we begin this new year today by never forgetting those who we have loved.
ps
we are still very young.
can you get up and move around on your own? ok then. I won’t say anymore.
January 2, 2009 at 12:49 am |
@bigmess- resolution means completion. means finishing. means an end. i’m not sure that life is ever resolved. it just continues on and we try to go along and make the things we think we ought to make happen happen. the world is a mysterious place that seems to clarify the idea that the more we know and seem to understand, the less simple things are. we escalate the complexities of life just through sheer existence, and there is really nothing that we can do to violate that. everything we do makes things more confusing, and that in turn increases our desire and move towards a more simple state. but we can’t get there. we can only trudge forward, headlong into the abyss of the expected/the reality of the unknown, and do the things we do. life is the reward as much as it is the penalty. hardships make success sweeter, more resonant to our accomplishments. would i want to do away with any of that? no. cold gives way for ingenuity, we find new places to get warm, to find comfort and sustainability. don’t fight your intuition, our human existence knows more than our brains think it does.
does that make sense? i’m talking about instinct over critical thinking.
i don’t know how that relates. that’s just what i was thinking when i read your comment.
@standoff- hmmmm…. i was waiting and waiting, and then the nothingness surprised me. which i find more surprising than anything that could ever have happened that i expected.
@a friend- thanks. happy new year too!!!! to everybody.
new beginnings? no. not really. i’m not that cynical, but it is just another day. and really every day is a new start of the same old problems. but i think that that consistency is what helps us ultimately figure out the way we can solve those problems.
but it’s a new month, and a new year. and that’s nice enough in itself. i’ll take the happy with the sad. i wouldn’t have it any other way.
i look forward to everything that will happen, and reflect on what it has taken to get me this far. it’s really all i have, and sometimes it seems like that’s enough.
and i’m still young. i feel old sometimes. but i’m still young. just not youthful in ways i used to be. a little tarnished from life like brass left out in the rain. a nice enough patina, but far from the polish of my early life.
and the reality is that i have a long way to go before i even get to the point where that rust becomes problematic or admirable.