take a deep breath. hold it in. that’s what it’s like. chest constricting and lungs burning. the quickening of the heart. prolong that feeling and amplify it. seconds take too long to pass. waiting in vain for the answer that you know that you don’t want to hear. wanting to get the thing that you think you should have had. is it enough to wish and hope. not sure for what. just something that will cut apart the waiting.
but here’s something to throw into the mix, did i remember to ask the question one last time. a question that doesn’t seem to be needed to be asked, yet still i am unsure if i asked it clearly enough, often enough, loud enough, ernest enough. not sure if it was unasked to a degree of askingness that makes it obvious that i’d like an answer. but far be it for me to come right out and ask. no, that’s too easy, too needy. so no i will not ask for an answer to a question that i have yet to ask again and again.
i’ll just wait. and let the stirring feeling in my head hold court over my heart. let it all not ever make sense. not at least for the present and soon future.
not making sense is fine. i’ve got things to say. but nothing is clear enough to make these words matter too much to me right now.
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so in the endless foreverness of it all. i know so many things now. and i need to let it all happen in life before it happens here.
but you know, ini, how i feel, how i’ve felt all along. and there are never enough words that i could say that could make you know what this is exactly like. but i want to try, i want to take a thesaurus and use each word twice. but let me show some restraint. i have time to be bold again. i’m in no rush whatsoever.
January 28, 2009 at 11:24 am |
YO MO. SAY WHAT? Are you getting sick on me there Mo? Your tongue sounds all twisted and tangled. And you know I want mo and always wanted just mo. Certainly would only want Mo to want just ini. Can’t handle no sort of crowded scene though. So I wait to see. Thinking that it could take this many years just to finally hear someone say: “forget it, go away” or “would you like to start with spending the next year sharing tea/wine and conversation?” It could literally take forever getting to the destination. Its very simple really. If Mo is doing solo, starts being themselves and not being on stage Mo, and asks ini for some tea/wine then Mo would end the wait.
Lots of snow.
January 29, 2009 at 11:41 am |
i have no idea what this means.
January 29, 2009 at 3:06 pm |
I find that difficult to believe. As long as the dance has gone on, with as much that has poured out of you. You understand this craziness very well. But you are good at this aren’t you? Practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? I heard on the radio this week that one of my favorite accomplished musicians still practices every single day of their lives. It doesn’t seem as though they would need to. So this stage that you dance upon, is this where you would prefer to remain in all cases or just some? Its different and fun, but I really only felt the need for that – at the start.. I wouldn’t want to keep distances from people who are worth knowing. I’m not held down by other commitments or fears any longer, at least not for the moment. And you?
January 31, 2009 at 10:41 pm |
see i understand this, but the previous one was so unintelligible that i couldn’t make it past the first few lines. i just wish it was a bit more clear. anyway. i know that i am crazy and i understand it perfectly well. crazy people don’t really think they’re that crazy. i understand what i am thinking and saying, although that may not come across to the reader of this thing. i like this approach to reaching out to people. i do other things as well, so sometimes i’m a bit redundant in my head, and i can tire out easily. so that explains my time away from this every now and then.
as for keeping my distance. i like to spend time with the people that i can spend time with. i am nothing if not bold. i am never shy. at least not to any detriment of my character.
February 1, 2009 at 6:29 am |
I was only mocking your reference to “ini”, while at the same time giving you the most honest response possible. Now you know that your lover would prefer the distinctly personal touch, which would mean using your own sweet voice to deliver the message. You have a whole range of media with which to express your passion, so why this and why the somewhat derogatory reference to this person as an “ini”? We understand each others words perfectly well. What we don’t really know is what is in the others heart and mind.
I am simultaneously shy and bold , which becomes a challenge in itself at times. Something new or perceived as superior can make me shy. Something exciting or with urgent necessity makes me bold. It doesn’t seem that the arrogance and aggressiveness that some display is ever warranted. And so I try to strike a balance somewhere in the middle, most of the time. Likewise, I can appreciate a little of the shy and bold in others. I was kind of hoping that you had a tiny bit of shy in you.
This is a time for many big changes in my life. These changes have not come all at once and so it seems as though they were all expected to occur way in advance. It is almost as if there is a forceful wind that blows every year or so that keeps pushing me along. Many years were spent standing perfectly still and thus, I have both an immense fear and longing for what the future brings. Maybe I suffer from delusions, but why do I still have an almost overwhelming feeling as though I have found this very special something that is truly worth keeping in my life?