valentine’s come and gone.

life isn’t that difficult. it is, but it isn’t. i’m living just fine. i have food and water and shelter. better than that i have friends and family and fun things. even better still i have the means to afford things and time to enjoy them and space to spread out. and best of all i have the capacity to fall in love and the realistic expectation that it doesn’t go unnoticed and that this love gets acted upon.


i cannot begin to describe where my life is at right now because i have no idea where it is. i find that it is easy to push away certain aspects of it for a bit of time. at least while i try to figure it out. i’m allowed to throw myself into my work and, not really forget just be more preoccupied with the tasks at hand. so that’s where i’ve been, what i’ve been doing, why i’ve been.


and absence makes the heart grow fonder. at least i hope it does for the people in my life, because it sure does with me.


but valentines day. what to say about such an auspicious day in the annals of romantic endeavors. well, i’m not too interested in it honestly. not at all because i am not romantic. quite the contrary. everything that i do, everything that i am about is geared towards extending my romanticism towards someone else all year long. doing it on valentines feels expected, it feels generic. so honestly i try to avoid it.


but honestly i get caught up.


no real status updates as to my situation though, because i have none to give. confusion is my real partner, my lifelong companion. forlorn heart comes in close second, with the actual women in my life trailing behind in the madness of my choppy emotional waters.


is it enough to just know that i loved them all. for me or for them? i’m capable. i’m not your average human being, i have skills and brain power to do it realistically. i just didn’t know it, but i’m starting to know it now. i can see that everything i’ve done has been honest, maybe selfish at times, but that selfishness extends from the constraints of trying to fit into real life. am i being confusing? good because it’s confusing the hell out of me right now.

my love for you is selfless. it wants nothing anymore, except the chance to extend itself unto you. how terrible a line ‘ if you love something let it go’. i used to think hang on to it for dear life. but i understand it now. don’t pretend you don’t want it secretly expecting it to come back. just accept the fact that you will never have it and be happy with the moment that you shared, however brief. those thoughts are yours, sit in your head and heart for as long as you can, stronger and more potent than any other kiss or caress could ever demonstrate. my desire is no less real. i understand now so much more. i can be the man that loved you for this moment and will never let that moment go, but in real life i can comprehend that this love has nothing to do with making me happy, that it can just sit and exist in my heart and for some insane reason that can be enough. i underestimated how potent and real this has been, banking on the constraints of love that i had known, limiting what it was for what i expected it to be. but this is different.


everything is moving. we are no different . i have in my life a place for you.

time moves forward at a rate that is forgotten and forgiven.

we use the world the way we were built to. no apologies. no sacrifice. no need to ask. we are what we are.


the world turns and churns and burns under our feet. it does so with no help from us.


but love. we can slow it down and speed it up and slow it down and speed it up. this is what it is. in a moment it comes crashing down without warning, and just as quick the screeching halt. and it begins again. the lumbering and the stutter. it is enough to know that it has the ability to never end.


no end. how can this end. it doesn’t. even if it isn’t still pumping blood through your heart, still tugging at those aortic ropes, it never leaves. it never gives up. how can you forget? you can only remember the way it burns itself in. impossible and indelible. it is a secret that we can’t hope to forget. that we can’t ever let go of. we wouldn’t. we shouldn’t.


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Let me hang on to you with everything
stay with me a moment longer
Pull this sheet over your shoulders
shudder in the cool air
my hand falls across the small of your back
I try to grasp your skin steal your warmth
one last time before it never ends