life isn’t that difficult. it is, but it isn’t. i’m living just fine. i have food and water and shelter. better than that i have friends and family and fun things. even better still i have the means to afford things and time to enjoy them and space to spread out. and best of all i have the capacity to fall in love and the realistic expectation that it doesn’t go unnoticed and that this love gets acted upon.
i cannot begin to describe where my life is at right now because i have no idea where it is. i find that it is easy to push away certain aspects of it for a bit of time. at least while i try to figure it out. i’m allowed to throw myself into my work and, not really forget just be more preoccupied with the tasks at hand. so that’s where i’ve been, what i’ve been doing, why i’ve been.
and absence makes the heart grow fonder. at least i hope it does for the people in my life, because it sure does with me.
but valentines day. what to say about such an auspicious day in the annals of romantic endeavors. well, i’m not too interested in it honestly. not at all because i am not romantic. quite the contrary. everything that i do, everything that i am about is geared towards extending my romanticism towards someone else all year long. doing it on valentines feels expected, it feels generic. so honestly i try to avoid it.
but honestly i get caught up.
no real status updates as to my situation though, because i have none to give. confusion is my real partner, my lifelong companion. forlorn heart comes in close second, with the actual women in my life trailing behind in the madness of my choppy emotional waters.
is it enough to just know that i loved them all. for me or for them? i’m capable. i’m not your average human being, i have skills and brain power to do it realistically. i just didn’t know it, but i’m starting to know it now. i can see that everything i’ve done has been honest, maybe selfish at times, but that selfishness extends from the constraints of trying to fit into real life. am i being confusing? good because it’s confusing the hell out of me right now.
my love for you is selfless. it wants nothing anymore, except the chance to extend itself unto you. how terrible a line ‘ if you love something let it go’. i used to think hang on to it for dear life. but i understand it now. don’t pretend you don’t want it secretly expecting it to come back. just accept the fact that you will never have it and be happy with the moment that you shared, however brief. those thoughts are yours, sit in your head and heart for as long as you can, stronger and more potent than any other kiss or caress could ever demonstrate. my desire is no less real. i understand now so much more. i can be the man that loved you for this moment and will never let that moment go, but in real life i can comprehend that this love has nothing to do with making me happy, that it can just sit and exist in my heart and for some insane reason that can be enough. i underestimated how potent and real this has been, banking on the constraints of love that i had known, limiting what it was for what i expected it to be. but this is different.
everything is moving. we are no different . i have in my life a place for you.
February 16, 2009 at 1:43 pm |
This sick feeling in my stomach is all I know now. These private walls give me the opportunity to say, feel, and cry whenever I want without having to pretend or hold back. As soon as I sell this house I won’t have any big debts. That is a good thing and will undoubtedly help me forget any memories it held for me. There is no logical reason to attach sentiment to material things, is there? The hard work and money spent on it will cause an ever lasting regret if it has to sell for too little. I will continue to have the food, water, shelter – but the money will dwindle away. Any wrong turns taken in past years will undoubtedly come to the surface in the days and years ahead. I’ve never been blind to the wrong doing of others towards me or even the mistake that I may have been making by lingering in their presence. Only trying to extract what good that I could for as long as I could under the circumstances. Always realizing that nothing and no one is perfect. I’ve never understood how or why others may bounce from one thing to another so quickly, be it a job, relationships or residence. There is a potential that this may become routine just as I head into a segment of my life that should perhaps be completely the opposite. If I could make a cleaner more swift exit from this situation and place then I would run away now. I’m sure when and if I ever get to where I am going I will be a complete mess. Yes, it could get a lot worse. I will be exhausted, baffled and insecure every step of the way. Should she be standing there before me, I would likely just be extremely embarrassed about myself, would shake uncontrollably with nervousness and then would pass out at her feet. With my face and hands touching her strong ankles, how would she look down upon me?
There is time now, and it is time now for only people and things that will lift me up.
February 16, 2009 at 2:52 pm |
god helps those who help themselves.
whatever your beliefs may be, i feel that statement is true. we are our own masters. the moment you think otherwise is the moment you relinquish the power to your own happiness. be happy for yourself. don’t expect anyone to do it for you.
and really, life is not easy. not for me not for anyone. you just make do with what you can. try to be the best you can be. enjoy the little victories. don’t put too much stock in waiting for a perfect life because it’ll never happen. but once you can let go, once you can enjoy the small things is the moment that it gets closer to as great a life as possible.
February 16, 2009 at 5:26 pm |
and by the by, the first line is by benjamin franklin, who is chock full of good things.
well not now.
February 21, 2009 at 8:12 am |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekI6bxYxFBg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S2F-z98UME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSXYQMKgHOQ
February 21, 2009 at 9:11 am |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QaHACOn3JQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xymtkvQlcX4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh3CFN-anq4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCsBgx7CnFM
February 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm |
I don’t want clever conversation, just want someone I can talk to and hold. She stays awake for me, but not for me as I would wish. The sparkle caught my attention from a distance, but as I came closer and looked deeper into those hazel eyes, I could recognize something that has been present for her entire life. And through this window I was able to see a richness and burning fire. I knew it would only take her a moment to gaze into my eyes to see nothing particularly special. At first my heart was broken and pulled backwards against my will it seemed, then my heart and presence was needed as another’s last heartbeat ceased. I couldn’t offer love unselfishly to someone new during these times when I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. Now those years have passed me by and still struggles keep coming. But I just don’t care anymore, no matter what goes on around me. It is my turn to find out if it is possible to bring this thing back into my life, because without it there isn’t much life at all. I have plenty of happiness mixed in with plenty of unhappiness and it all just blends together as my emotions get constantly swished around in my head. I could forget about this new girl if she told me that I should do so. She is new but not so new to me, as she knows me but she doesn’t. I have waited for her because she was worth it. The time has come that I step away, slowly and regretfully mind you. If she wanted mor now, then she would have stepped forward. Perhaps it was all just a tease for who? No. She was too adorable. Who could resist?
February 25, 2009 at 12:14 am |
life is a tragedy because love is real.
but for the same reason, life is worth trudging through for the fleeting moments of success and happiness that love brings us. it is an endless and ageless conundrum that has plagued humans for as long as humans have been around. and the truth of it all is that in all this time nobody has come close to figuring it out in a universal way that everyone could apply to their loves.
and we can only be swept up in the swirl of emotions and tumultuous jumble our lives become.
don’t wait for the things you want. try to get them. the world waits for no one. love isn’t a passive thing. it is disarming and forces us to become vulnerable in the worst way, but we need to in order to get to the point where love becomes real. often the outcome is painful, but it’s yours and nobody can take it away. you have complete ownership over all the things you feel if you allow yourself the chance to feel that way. but it’s not something you can wait for. you have to work at it no matter how frightening it is. i have made so many mistakes in my life, but i’ve never regretted putting myself out there for the sake of love. in hindsight some of it was shortsighted, but nonetheless it is mine to have for the rest of my life. and sometimes all that fear and happiness and sadness is worth more than getting to hold on to someone.
but it doesn’t often feel like it is.
February 25, 2009 at 12:07 pm |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKtwlHV1-O8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4ZgVRJ-H8U
your damn straight there is no reason to sit around and wait for things to happen in life. thems 2 clips there are my response to your serious talk and the idea of ever having the possessive or jealous type of crap going on in a relationship. I’m the in your face type of guy once I get nerve built up. Even still, you wimp in your actions and use big words I would grab ahold you and give you a great big wet one on the lips. If you weren’t a guy that is.
February 26, 2009 at 10:26 am |
I need to take a break from breathing all that bleach so here I am to bug you again. Getting this house ready for sale has become a task that is using me up. I can remember shopping for a house in years past and how filth, mold & such turned me off instantly. So the cleaning & painting is a cheap & easy thing that I can do myself at least. Its that illusion of newer that can come with being cleaner.. I didn’t much care for the estimate on roof replacement that I might have to deal with. Here I go again with indecision as to what to do. They say it might have 2 yrs left on it, but a few mismatched shingles sure don’t go over very well. $6100 for that. SHIT! Do I sell fast (if possible during these horrible times) to get rid of the expenses of mortgage,tax,insurance,utilities or do I wait a bit to see if some miracles happen in the housing market, getting a new job in a town where there aren’t any, and if a tornado / wind storms removes all the shingles for me so that I don’t have to pay for someone to remove them. At least I have my mother’s house to move into. It is paid for but needs so much work.
Funny how things happen to keep things moving right along. Have you heard enough of the boring & depressing stuff yet? Don’t deprive me of my being able to bend your ear clear off & pressure you into helping me solve all my problems. Don’t you want to be the smarter and stronger one? If California weren’t so expensive and so far away I would love the idea of getting the hell out of here to go out there and try to start over. At least some (different types) of family & jobs in certain areas do exist along with ways to have more fun and things to do. What are you thoughts?
As far as romantic dilemmas – if you had expressed your interest for someone over a few years and never got any closer to really knowing them than from day one. Wouldn’t you call that hopeless, stupid and pathetic? Or it could be persistence, waiting for better timing because of other crap going on in life, or not wanting to pressure another person and wanting to see where they are coming from. Or maybe it is just a fun way of keeping company with someone during all the crap that life dishes out.
What are your thoughts?
March 1, 2009 at 10:23 am |
i really don’t know if it’s hopeless or pathetic or noble and persistent. there is no prescribed measure to how or when love should be doled out. so i’ll say yes to all of it. pathetic. noble. company. hopeful. hopeless. yes. all of it. at the same time.
i think back to one of my attempts (actually they all kind of fit into this mold) and trying to convince the one i wanted that she should want me too. that maybe i should be rewarded for my boldness. but if not, then i should be rewarded for my understanding. but if not, then i should be rewarded for my temperance. but if not, then i should be rewarded for my perseverance. but if not, then i should be rewarded for my letting go. but then we just let go.
i would feel burned by love, but at the same time elevated to new heights of achievement. and in hindsight it feels no different. i cringe as much as i did back then. maybe more. and i beam as much as i did back then. maybe less. but two feelings among a sea of feelings that contradict and yet share the same source. so yes. to all of it.
and a bunch of bird videos. and the 3 stooges. somewhere in someone’s head those make sense.
March 1, 2009 at 5:05 pm |
What? You don’t appreciate the relentless pestering in the way of stupid videos and comments? Me being amused that you might be spending many minutes looking at seemingly meaningless and stupid videos, wondering if you caught the split seconds or the collective messages. Did you miss something? But then again now there is the mixing in of those that have absolutely no purpose or meaning (hidden or otherwise). Those have been added to just get you fired up in a way that I could only wish I were there to personally witness. The difficulty would be keeping my hands to myself. I don’t spend much time watching movies or t.v., so sometimes I do silly things to entertain myself. In this case, it is at your expense. Of course they make sense in this life that makes absolutely no sense at all. And why doesn’t that make sense to you to make no sense? I can’t make sense of some of your responses lately that are noncommittal in nature. While I wait, I feel the need to respond with this -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4ZgVRJ-H8U
And your little Benj Franklin coined this phrase which has become a hiddeous reality especially the the work place for most now -
What? You don’t appreciate the relentless pestering in the way of stupid videos and comments? Me being amused that you might be spending many minutes looking at seemingly meaningless and stupid videos, wondering if you caught the split seconds or the collective messages. Did you miss something? But then again now there is the mixing in of those that have absolutely no purpose or meaning (hidden or otherwise). Those have been added to just get you fired up in a way that I could only wish I were there to personally witness. The difficulty would be keeping my hands to myself. I don’t spend much time watching movies or t.v., so sometimes I do silly things to entertain myself. In this case, it is at your expense. Of course they make sense in this life that makes absolutely no sense at all. And why doesn’t that make sense to you to make no sense? I can’t make sense of some of your responses lately that are noncommittal in nature. While I wait, I feel the need to respond with this -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4ZgVRJ-H8U
And your Benj Franklin coined this phrase which has become a hideous reality for most in the work place –
“Do more with less”
March 4, 2009 at 8:03 am |
I used to think that I understood life and thought that it was very good. Then too many things turned to dust or turned out to be nothing but lies. For every heartbreak there is a joy to be experienced in life. This is a hopeful optimism that I cling to. Maybe I am stupid though. But these days I can’t wait for tomorrow to come. Today’s only purpose seems to be that of preparation for reaching tomorrow, not for the simple pleasure of enjoying existence today. Now I can tell myself all kinds of happy thoughts today but they dissipate very quickly, leaving me with regret that I would tell myself such shallow lies. Perhaps I have been telling myself a lie, or have been told a lie when it comes to the special girl that I stay in touch with. What does she get out of what little that I have to offer her? What does she really feel? Is it resentment, pity, or some mean game? I fear that too many mistakes have gone on for too long between us. Hopefully these mistakes were all mutually exchanged so that they cancel each other out. Maybe, maybe not. My initial hunch turned out to be correct. She is probably one of the smartest people that I have ever known, who is anything but typical. I love these qualities in her. Especially since this helps her to put up with the likes of me. She certainly turned out to be a great deal more playful than she seemed at first, though lately she seems to be getting bored and perhaps irritated with me. I am at a loss as to how to fix that. I definitely have a place in my life for her, but it needs to change in major ways. I keep wondering if it is all a big joke. As stupid as I may come across to others – life, people and her are anything but a joke to me. I have tried to listen and understand all that she communicated to me but the inconsistencies really confuse me. What is it and where is it going?
March 5, 2009 at 1:31 pm |
@required- honestly i look at one or two for a few seconds. i can’t really bring myself to watch to many videos on my computer. and while there may be some overarching narrative at play through those videos, or some coded message, the gestalt is lost on me because i don’t look at all the pieces.
and the thing of it all is that not everything makes sense. you will infer what you infer from whatever info you have available to you. we can mentally make a square peg fit into a round whole. make things mean what we want them to mean. while there is the implied meaning, the semiotics and mechanics of our understanding, we can alter that as we see fit.
so kudos to you and your having fun.
as for more with less, a fine idea. we are bloated in every direction. let’s strip down to the brass tacks, the bare essentials. cut the fat as it were. people are made of sterner stuff, we are docile and meek right now. this is a good chance to change that and to better ourselves. make us better than the person next to us, so that way we don’t get layed off, left in the dust. not survival of the fittest. you can run and hide, and that would be surviving. I’m talking about domination by the dominant. that’s the way the world has always worked, we are just to short sighted and benign and coddled to embrace that attitude.
@questions- mistakes can usually be remedied. mainly because they are just that, mistakes, not intentional not malicious. nothing a sincere apology can make better. But life is not about making things even, it’s about being able to forgive. that’s balance.
we are capable of manifesting emotions in ways we don’t realize. if you think negatively or feel sorry for yourself, that may come out while you interact with others. there are non verbal cues that we pick up on, things that we are not even aware of consciously, and those cues make us interested in someone or tell us to keep away for a while. so maybe you are sending some signals that you are unaware of due to your attitude and frustration over the situation. it’s easy when you are interested in someone to put way to much stock into every single iota of their being. every nuanced thing they do becomes amplified and that much more meaningful. in short, we read too much into things. overanalyze too much. not that there is really anything you can do to change that. self awareness is one of the worst things a human can have. Read about it by Lacan and the mirror stage. we’d be better off as simpletons. at least most of the time.
but life is life. good and bad. happy and sad. everything in between. and everything else. you are the only one living your life, so be bold and get what you want. try and fail. try and succeed. try and fail some more. nothing happens if nothing is started. mediocrity and safeness is just surviving, just getting by till we die. i’m looking to be triumphant or go down in a blaze of glory. self-delusional glory, but glory nonetheless.
March 7, 2009 at 11:17 am |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGcuFWpT0G0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqcTVh_fPlw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fn5XMH2PY0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwf2wzWs1is
March 8, 2009 at 5:52 am |
What can I say? I couldn’t quite put my arms around it but you know, I think I did love the girl in a way. It wasn’t as I would have wanted it to be, but at least I got to spend some time with her, so to speak. And that entire time was spent yearning for us to be closer and more real, if nothing more than to have a meaningful friendship. We aren’t likely to ever accidentally cross paths, seeing that she lives so far away. So I won’t get my hopes up for anything to be different in the future. She didn’t care to invite me into her real world, and that makes me sad. There aren’t many who could ever make me feel a fire within, but she most certainly could. I want to thank her for what she has shared with me.
March 12, 2009 at 6:47 am |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjpFLBbOpxg
March 13, 2009 at 7:00 am |
Good to hear that you are still working and having such an interest in something that propels you, regardless of the exhaustion. Is it a matter of all work and no play? And I have noticed that you never have anything to say about the specific art that you create. Is that too revealing to share? You have spoken of it in very general terms and how you spend time in a studio, but that is all. I can’t picture what might be going through your mind or how you move about the studio when you make this art. I am drawing a blank on that one. Most people would not be able to necessarily relate to your activities in the studio. So you may assume that it is boring to share such details with others.
Our love, why would you keep all those words to yourself now? That is a shame to push the possibilities aside as you say. Are you trying to convince me that such a smart and expressive person, such as yourself, couldn’t find some way to reach someone that they love? Never would I want to take words spoken about love as being disingenuous. But that is what they become over time when they are not acted upon.