when you ask the reasons why

where have i been? nowhere special.


nothing really happened, i just needed an extended amount of time away from being so self reflexive. it wasn’t helpful to do something or plan on doing something, then immediately write about it. it started to feel staged and stiff. i just wanted to let things be.


but there is something more to that. i really didn’t know how much more i could talk about the same thing. it felt difficult and redundant to keep revisiting this thing that had no immediate resolution. this thing is more of a long haul type of situation, and it needed a moment of literary quiet to let things move to the next place they needed to move to. and where is that? i don’t know any more now than i did before. all i know is that i’m still holding out for that teenage feeling. all the loves that i’ve had harken back to that moment when i didn’t know better. and that’s okay.


but if you are curious, this is what i did. i put myself out there as a person who is in love with a girl that i can’t have. i’ve admitted that i won’t win, but that doesn’t mean that i’m defeated. i can’t not be in love with her, whether she wants me or not. i’m not giving up, i’m just giving in. here are our lives, and maybe one day things could be different, but right now this is what it is. i am so entranced by her, i adore her so much, and i am grown up enough to just let that be the way it is.


and i never really left. but i don’t know if i’m back.