from the beginning i never knew when to stop…

Worst of all i never knew when to start.



So school has started again. After a month of letting my brain shut down, it all started all over again. i’m not sure if excited is the correct way to describe it. I feel a little more weary, especially now that i have to factor in an hour commute. but a couple weeks into it and i don’t feel any worse for wear. I’m starting to get used to waking up at 545 in the morning to get on the road in time. As it is i should be asleep as i type this. but i’m not. school is school, and it’s good i’m no longer left feeling stuck in that city, that i can start to roam the earth in pursuit of new and interesting experiences, but i must admit that the convenience was nice. the solitude was nice. the peacefulness was nice. the way nothing was surprising or different was nice. the rut was nice.



but nice is just nice. it isn’t the real extremes that help to define taste. it just is. so i am glad that part is semi over, but also missing what i’ve grown accustomed to. but that place has been quickly losing the things (people) that made it all relevant in the first place.



so forge a new life similar to the ones that i’ve previously lived. does that mean i’m bound to the follies of what i’ve tread before. or do i get a redo. or am i really just kidding myself. my life is mexico city. built upon the trash heap of my ancestoral existence. new things trampling and grinding the emotional wreckage of years gone by into a fine well versed dust.



yes. yes. and yes.


and somehow no.



i get a chance to just let things be the way they are without really having to change much. too caught up in everything and too smart (or dumb) to forget anything. ghostlike. they linger in my brain and heart. and not at all apparitions. real tangible people i know and love. sometimes in conjunction with other people i know and shouldn’t love. at least love at the same time.



you can’t accuse me of being timid. I tried and tried until i was plum tired. and i still won’t stop. can’t stop. i’m deluded that i’m not being delusional. i have said more and can go on and on, but i’ll wait for face time to say what i think of you. what i think of … us? that might be the best way to phrase that. not really an us to think of. conjured us. make believe us. they’re not too far off from real us, but the differences feel monumental and the odds insurmountable, when i line them up and take tally of them all.



in a semi pathetic moment, but one that perhaps shows my strength. i want to know how you feel. every person i’ve ever been involved with. i want to know how you feel. about me. about love. about like. i want you to make my knees crumble. good or bad. i want to beg you to tell me your heart. that’s all i’ve ever wanted. and i half way believe that that’s all i’ll ever want from anyone. okay, maybe a fifth or two at least.


but i would never beg for that. (or have i in less clear headed moments that i’ve tried to forget? i just don’t remember) there’s just something too desperate. i’m not trying to be slick or to trick you into something miscued from maybe a sad look in my eyes. i’d like it unsolicited, much in the same way that i went about the whole ordeal.


I can’t help but want that. and i admit it to convey that i’m scared and just want to have my fears alleviated. to know that i’m not so entirely screwed up that good people are incapable of loving me.


selfish i know…

nothing yet…

a new year to get things right. a new year to get things wrong. a new year. i want you to read these words and hear music. swimming songs of romantic intent. swoon for me. for these words. for these words were written for you. can you feel it? the build up? the climax? the denouement? crescendo to morendo? our lives allegro? enough with the musical metaphor. or is it something else. like. analogous is like something right?


well i analogy you.


does that work? make sense? you get what i mean. you get everything i mean. i’ll give every meaning i can give.


pregnant pause. waiting for the day that things can give way to something new. something more clear, less cloudy, less troubled by the heart. the tug of the heart.


but i’ll miss that tug once it vanishes. once the achiness goes the way of the dinosaurs, i’ll miss that feeling. that fear of that unknown. it doesn’t make sense.




think of me for a moment. and i’ll think of you. soon i think.


soon i think this will all be over or just beginning. start and stop are all the same. just like everything and nothing. so total in their totality. so definite in their definitions. precise precision. need i go on?


ever since i could think for myself i’ve troubled myself with understanding the grey. trying to figure out the middle the best way i knew how. nothing yet.

We were young once

I knew that one day I would fall in love. I knew that it would happen in a realistic manner. That it would be reciprocal. Not the way love had been lopsided in the past. I knew that my heart would be chased as much as it was chasing. That was when I was young. That was when I knew better than to admit that I didn’t know better.

Now. Older. Smarter but not wiser. What is it I know now? Everything I wish I knew then and then some. But in reality no more now then ever before. I know that love isn’t something you can ever balance. You can try, by god must you try, but it can’t happen. It’s like trying to keep the water inside of a glass steady while you’re sitting on a boat. And in a macro sense what is steady when the earth spins on its axis, rotates around the sun, spins through the galaxy, collapsing on infinity, growing towards nothingness. We dance around like fools for something that we can never control.

This is not pessimism. This is celebratory. I love love. While love is not victimless, it is by no means a crime. It only feels like that sometimes. It only is like that sometimes. Maybe even most times.

It’s no different for me. I’d like to tell you that it’s all figured out. But I couldn’t. Not honestly. I know that love and life might not be the way I hoped, the way I dreamed( the dream I dreamt a million nights for as long as I’ve known you), but it doesn’t stop me from loving. It doesn’t keep me from wanting. It just keeps me dreaming.

You there, the girl that placed my head in the clouds, all of this has been for you. I hope that this has been something worth your while.

A quote attributed to kristofer kristoferson:
“it’s bad when you love them more than they love you, but it’s the worst when they love you more than you love them.”

The world is not flat, it’s just big.

And with the quickness, I am back to this thing.


a brief recap of my life from last we met. I had to move. i had to finish up the fall quarter. thanksgiving. uncle passed away. funeral. not living where i worked. commuting. finish moving. make art. do grades. life in general.


so here i am.


what could i tell you that could make sense of the things that i’m thinking. i have more to say and more to do. i’m just exhausted by life. my heart and head are tired.


this has been the most amazing thing. writing this blog, being able to communicate to everyone out there with such candor, i feel really amazed that i’ve done this (relatively) consistently for an entire year. i feel that i’ve grown and worked a lot of things out.


i fell in love a long time ago. and the thing about that feeling is that it doesn’t seem to stop. we try to guide it to our whims and our desires, but the truth is that we are just helpless in its presence. we have no choice in the matter, it just happens and we can only do our best to make sense of everything and just try to do what we feel is the right thing to do at any given moment.



my life, more so the people in my life, are all in different places. and i’m afraid that i am stuck wherever it is that they aren’t for the moment. and while that makes it difficult to forge ahead, it is not impossible. the people i love know that i love them, even if i hold my tongue and keep it just to myself. my heart is not that good at keeping up the illusion. not that i ever wanted to, not that i ever had to. i just understand restraint. i understand scaling back, but by no means is it an easy thing to do. i want to pour it all out, give it all. my life. yours.


if i am to keep going, i don’t need anything but the feeling that what it is i’m doing is true to me. now, the here and now, hasn’t offered any more clarity then what was afforded me when i started documenting my travails. All i have now are the feelings and emotions i forged a long time ago. distance has indeed made the heart grow fonder. those old feelings are the foundation on which i build some endless construct of new thoughts and desires. it is my own tower of babel, reaching for something that i might understand is impossible, but my own hubris and yearning keeps me trying, stops me from giving up. And maybe i’m not as obvious now, maybe i’m not as forward, but i’m still here. still giving what i can.

does that offer any explanation of my situation? i’m sure i stated that even though part of something may be over, it is actually far from over. We are in a different phase, a different place and time. there is no resolution because that would mean that this has ended. and i never want this to end between us.

Listen to the things we can hear. Watch the things we can see.

musica-

so among other things i recently received, i just got the new cold war kids ‘loyalty to loyalty’ Their first album was pretty good, it had some strong single tracks, along with some songs that were a bit lack luster. But what they did have when things were working as well as possible, was a great sound that didn’t sound overly orchestrated yet not trendily stripped down to some bare bones. If i had to equate it to something, there was a late sixties sound along the lines of the kinks or the doors. but i don’t. so while they have an old sort of sound underlying a lot of their songs, there is something more contemporary than that. There is a more danceable cadence to it all. So this new album does away with the not so good songs and replaces them with all pretty good quality songs, lots of jangly reverbed guitars, clean tight drumming and a throbbing bass line. The vocals have a whiny quality to them, but don’t let it put you off, it is not at all annoying. I think a lot of that has to do because he seems to know his range and keeps his voice in check and uses it rather adeptly. The songs are catchy and don’t feel like fluff, there is a nice seriousness to the sound that cold war kids have, and i expect them to get better and better with each new release. Keep your ears tuned to this group and give a listen to ‘loyalty to loyalty’ its a good album that crosses a lot of moods and is a success from start to finish.

My Morning Jacket has been a longtime favorite of mine. They always put together interesting albums, ‘Z’ probably being their most popular, although i’m sort of torn between Z and ‘at dawn’. Their new album ‘Evil Urges’ isn’t really a retread of what they do, nor is it a departure. All the things that make the bands albums so good, the vocals, the guitar, the southern inflection, is all intact. Some tracks veer around, but not at all in a bad way, every bit of this album is interesting and fun to listen to. The title track is a great song, it seems to go in a lot of directions but makes everything work. There is a great pacing to their songwriting, long enough to get into, but not enough to lose the listener. maybe highly suspicious is a throw away song, but i think it works in the context of the whole album, just throwing us a curve ball, but it won’t end up on any mixes anytime soon for me.


but even great albums end up with a song or two that aren’t nearly as good as the rest. case in point, Feist’s Sea Lion Woman on her Reminder album is a track worth skipping. And reading other reviews of MMJ’s evil urges, i’m reminded of the reviews of Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky. It’s hard to come out with an album that will be as critically acclaimed and well received as Yankee Foxtrot Hotel, but sky blue sky is great in its own right. And i think MMJ are in a similar territory with this new album.


And in case you didn’t know every album in those last 2 paragraphs need to be in your music collection already. go get them if you don’t have them. and just to clarify there were 6 albums mentioned.




Let’s change the pace a bit. Raphael Saadiq just came out with a fantastic new album ‘The Way I See It’. Saadiq has been making music for a while and was a part of tony toni tone in the 80s and early 90s, and later was a part of lucy pearl along with dawn from en vogue and ali shaheed muhammad form a tribe called quest around 2000. All along the way he had been a solo artist in his own right. A solid singer songwriter who has worked with the top artists in the neo soul/ r&b / hip hop genre. He had a great album with ‘instant vintage’. But oh my god!!! this new one ‘the way i see it’ is so perfect an album. It is everything that music needs to be. This is on par with marvin and al. I cannot tell you enough how good this is. I want so bad to see him perform after this album. I’m a huge fan of the heyday of soul, and i feel that this album is a great thing that has its hands rooted firmly in that sound, making no bones about referring back to it, yet feels way ahead of what R&B has been offering up for the last 10+ years. GO BUY THIS NOW.


and if you liked this go pick up some DAP tone records, notably Sharon Jones and the Dap kings ‘100 days & 100 nights’


And maybe you saw the MTV video awards. at the end of the show Kanye did a new song off his upcoming album ‘808s & heartbreaks’. The song ‘love lockdown’ was great, and will soon suffer from being overplayed, so listen to it now, get sick of it, ditch it, then listen to it in a few years and enjoy it all over again. Kanye, all his antics aside, is a great producer and makes great tracks. He has a good sense of what sounds good and is really honing in on the things that are a part of the time. And i think the most interesting thing about kanye is that he understands that he is less an artist that is recording and documenting culture, and more an artist that is actually creating culture.


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so that’s a bunch of music that hopefully will sound interesting somebody other than me.


Television-


I don’t have cable where i’m at, so that is a real bummer, and i really love TV. I think that it is an infinitely interesting medium. More so than movies at time. TV has to work in the limitations of time frame, censorship, and the need to span 20 or so episodes and multiple seasons. Movies have the grandeur and flash and the ability to not have to keep your attention past the run of the movie. TV shows have to be interesting enough to keep you tuned in to the end, but enough to make you come back next week or next season. and on top of that it has to be accessible for everyone, nothing too esoteric. and since i try to write as much as i can, i think that pursuing writing a television show is in my future at some point . anyway, new fall shows, new fun. by the way, i tape my shows at my cousins and watch them there.


So the office is back and is as good as it ever was. But really, talking about this one and how good it is, is like talking about breathing. there’s really no need to as long everything is happening the way it should, and there is no surprise that anyone is watching it.


I’m super excited about the return of 30 rock. it is one of the best written, zaniest shows ever. It is on the same level as the adventures of pete and pete, the venture brothers, and arrested development. I think that the daringness to push the limitations of what is sane, and present us with some really crazy situations and off the wall comedic riffs, is a hard thing to do right, and 30 rock does it great. everything about this show is made to make us laugh, and it works. where shows like the office tug on the sentiments of being so heartbreakingly realistic, 30 rock goes the other direction and pushes the surreal into a viable TV pacing.


Along with these shows ‘my name is earl’ comes back as well. I really feel that this ship has sailed. It does have it’s funny moments, no denying that, and everyone involved is excellent. But there is something too sappy about the show, and it made itself really evident last season. And i know that the premise of the show is about the guy redeeming himself through being a better person, but it feels too close to an afterschool special and too preachy at times. I find myself skipping this show more often than not.


But then a show like ‘how i met your mother’ in all its predictable-ness is enjoying. Maybe it has to do with the fact that i am the same age as the people that are in the show. I guess i’m a yuppy now. But the key to the show has to be how well everyone works together on that show, and more so, neil patrick harris is amazing on it. It’s not groundbreaking by any means, really just a bit of a friends retread, but it is fun to watch. and the new show ‘worst week’ is off to a fun start, although i don’t know how long i could watch an otherwise likable guy keep messing up in front of the inlaws, it was done pretty successfully in ‘meet the parents’. but i’ll tune in and see how it goes.


And i have yet to watch the new season of ‘the new adventures of old christine’ but that show is always fun to watch.


And another returning show is ‘Life’. The first season was a great watch that took an interesting take on the police style drama. each episode self contained yet expanding on a larger story. It is well written and witty. I’m excited to see this come back, hopefully it will find a groove that it can fit into and will be around for a few seasons. Plus the lead actress, sarah shahi, is beautiful, not that that would be reason enough to watch a show, it’s just nice to see multicultural people in the public eye redefining the ideas of aesthetics.


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libros-


I just picked up Chuck Klosterman’s new novel ‘downtown owl’. And while i haven’t had time to start reading it, it should be good. Klosterman is a great writer that has a natural ease and playfulness to his words. Sex drugs and cocopuffs was great, all the stuff he’s written for spin and esquire was great, in fact i kept all my spins that he had articles in for a long time just so i could reread his essays. So i’m really interested in finding out how he does with writing fiction. as soon as i get around to cracking it open i’ll let you know.


I love taschen art books! ART NOW (volumes 1 & 2) are great surveys of contemporary art, i’m super excited about the upcoming release of art now vol 3. one day i hope i’m in an art book. I’m working on my cool portrait that goes in the corner of the page i’ll be on. haha. But tashcen is great because they often sell a rereleased version of their books for a discounted price (usually 10-15 dollars) I just picked up terryworld and architecture now for super cheap at the local big name bookstore. check out their website and look through what they offer, it’s all top notch stuff. you won’t be disappointed.


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comida-



I have been on an indian and thai kick recently. nothing more to say really, just that it is so good. mmmmm curry, naan, pad see yew, thai iced tea. mango lassi.


and now i’m thinking greek food sounds good


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that’s a bunch of stuff that is hanging out in my life right now. enjoy.

hold it up, you’ve lost enough.

i’m really glad that school is starting back up.


I know that it really never stopped, and that i didn’t get that much time off, but this is the start of a new academic year and there is a palpable level of excitement in the air. There seems to be more life occurring in this place. maybe it’s because i was here when no one else was here, so the difference is noticeable.


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I have a tooth ache. it’s not really in pain, it’s just acting all sensitive, and i’ve never really had that happen before so it is noticeably annoying.


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So i have had a lot of time to myself. lots of time to think and pretend and wish and hope and sober up to reality and sober up to the fact that what i think and pretend isn’t reality. I’ve been thinking a lot of my situation for the past year or two. I think that because this feels like a new start, the past becomes imbued with a feeling of fiction. Not that i don’t think that it was real, it just feels so make believe. Like it was almost a lifetime ago. suffice to say i have had little contact with anyone involved. maybe the reality is that i have had little contact with anyone that was connected to the last 2 years of my life. It’s like they all stopped existing, but it feels like there is something missing. I miss these people.


and now, now i am in a place that was only worthwhile because of the company, because of the friends i made, and mainly because i felt close to a girl. I wanted to be here to be with her, and now she’s gone and i am trying to understand this place in a way that might allow me some happiness while i am here. And to clarify it isn’t bad, it just isn’t good. So i have a desire for it to become good.


But ini, I don’t know how that ended up. I’m still waiting for the denouement. maybe it’s like people were saying, that this is the sign that i’m looking for, that this is her reaction. i don’t know. i don’t want to be delusional, but i don’t want to give up hope either. I think that at the end of it all, i want to believe that there is the potential for something that can be lasting, not at all a flash in the pan, so i keep that in the back of my head, and i refuse to concede that anything is over, it’s just always in progress.


i want to hear her voice. she speaks so softly and the words pour out of these pretty lips i can’t help but stare at them and connect the two, so as to form a memory that could last forever.




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i got a bunch of new music that i’d like to share with you


from the archives.


i went through some cds of yore and downloaded them onto my computer (which is new, but recent rumblings of a new mac coming out make me want to get a new newnewer one). The first is Leona Naess ‘Comatised’. I dug her up because i saw that she had a new album out on itunes. this disc from 1999 holds up pretty well for being 9 years old. She is a folky rock singer, heavy on the reverbed acoustic guitars, and has a wonderful voice. In the vein of feist and new buffalo, she is a great songwriter and performer. I won’t promise that it will blow your mind, but it’s a nice record and her last one was pretty good too. I think that her newest one has been getting good reviews but i have yet to pick it up. Anyway, comatised shows no signs of being too dated and fits very well in the music landscape right now.



I don’t know if i’ve talked about this one before. Orbital ‘in sides’. I used to be so into electronic music way back when, and this album was awesome, particularly ‘the box’. everything about this song builds and builds and becomes more complex resulting in this catastrophic yet very melodic wall of sound. + it makes use of being recorded in stereo. the entire album plays out this way. there is nothing too difficult about any of the songs, good beats, good breaks, catchy tunes. orbital makes serious music fun, they are much more palatable than the orb, and not as obnoxious as the crystal method or chemical brothers (but they were of different styles so…). I loved this album and would play it all the time. It goes well with a booming sound system or being played a little bit more softly and just chilling out with it.


Next on the wayback machine is Moby ‘Early Underground’. This is a collection of moby’s early house tracks way before he made play and became ultra annoying by talking and being someone people want to hear talk. This dates back to 1993 if that helps any. I remember picking this up brand new. The house and rave scene was at its peak, and these songs were the epitome of getting out there and dancing. A lot of stuff from that time is emberrassing to look at and listen to. This however was alright. It’s been years since i listened to this and it had a lot of memories attached to it, but more objectively the songs were good. try to find this and give it a listen, if you’re old like me this might make you nostalgic, if you’re young it might make you wish that moby was better than people give him credit for now-an-days.



New Stuff


Kings of Leon were on SNL last weekend and did an amazing job. their new album titled ‘Only by the Night’ was just released and they keep with the thing that makes them so amazing, foot stomping and rousing songs. This time around it seems like the songs are soaring a lot more often than previously, maybe it’s a sign of their getting older. This is a great album GO GET IT NOW! KOL needs more listeners and more people into them, i’m hoping to elevate musical tastes, and this is a good one for the cause.


And a new TV on the Radio record ‘Dear Science,’ just came out. They can be a difficult band to get into, but are well worth the listening investment. This album is more of an up tempo album than cookie mountain. a lot easier to get into this one, if you haven’t heard TVOTR start of with dear science and work your way backwards. their first album was some strange doowop prog thing that i enjoyed, but i have to sort of say it like i’m asking myself as much as i am telling you. But this one is coming together pretty nicely and i have listened to it a couple times on some long drives, it keeps me interested and excited throughout the whole album, nothing too wandering or meandering into obscure musical territory.

I have a bunch more music to review, and other stuff as well. next post. + the return of catagories!

O.A.I.B. part 4

so this is the thing that i was trying to figure out how to approach writing about.


the fact of the matter is that there was nothing really to write much about. everything that occurred was an internal activity for me, and seldom included anyone else. but enough preposition, on with what it was i should be on with.

so the last post i wrote about ini specifically had something to do with the most beautiful eyes. and something to do with getting closer to getting further. i knew then that our time within the same localized area was coming to an end within the week. she was on her way back home, it turned out that this was not the place for her. this was just a place that she knew that she didn’t want to be, or couldn’t be at the moment. it was a detrimental place that felt so severely limited and closed off to being anything other than what it is. i can only surmise that this is how she felt because we talked about it, and i knew the feeling. i felt (still feel) this way about this place. this prison paradise was a hard place to be. endlessly beautiful in its scenic majesty, but terribly ugly in its singular existence. I want to get away too. but i’ve managed to not go mad and figure out a strange life that feels okay to live in. and i think it’s because i spent a good portion of my early 20s relatively alone. alone in a way that helps deal with the lack of interaction and the overwhelming silence that pervades this place. but for the sake of clarity, the silence that i talk about is not actual silence, but more something akin to a cacophonous din that makes no sense and leaves you with no choice but to try not to listen.



but she was going soon. whatever reasons she had. she was leaving. and our time was coming to an end.


i discovered my feelings for her early on once we had the opportunity to meet and talk. There was nothing more than just thinking that she was an amazing girl so full of the qualities i find attractive. it was innocent enough. we were both sort of the same. and opportunities arose where we had the chance to spend time together. it was such a blur. that was almost 2 years ago. but we would spend time talking and hanging out, writing back and forth to one another on a very regular basis. summer came along and we knew we would see each other once we both returned and that we would talk over the course of the 3 months away.


we came back together and resumed where we had left off. Not ever anything more than just being friendly and close. I still maintain that i had no hope but to fall for her the way that i did. How can you not want to be with someone you spend time with and feel like you understand and amazingly enough, understands you and can tolerate you. those few months leading up to the end of the year instilled my heart with such a feeling of contentment that i couldn’t hold back any longer. and i wonder how things might be if i had.


i don’t regret admitting my feelings towards her. i just wonder why things happened the way they did. we had become so much a part of one another’s life, well maybe her for mine, and i’m not too certain of me to hers. And i admit i went about some things in the wrong manner, that i should have been more forthcoming. and maybe that’s where i went wrong.


and we went from being a major part of each other’s days, to having sporadic moments of interaction. But she was also in the process of dealing with other issues, so i am pretty sure that her not wanting to hang out with me had more to do with a lot of other things, more so than not wanting to hang out with me. And that condensed version gets us to a point where we have overlapped the beginning of this entire blog.




i knew she was leaving soon. i had known for a long enough time. i didn’t want to let her leave without being able to say and do the things i felt i needed to say and do.


I had admitted on numerous occasions my feelings for her, and i never expected an answer back. and for whatever reason i never really got one. but i held on to the hope that somewhere inside her she felt similarly. i still have that hope. right now, while i am typing, my heart aches from wanting her and feeling at a loss of knowing what to do to change it all.


and as we approached her departure date, we made plans to see one another. a moment for our friends to say goodbye to each other. i honestly was only concerned with seeing her.


in my head, as we went through that last week, i conjured up scenarios as to what i would say once i had the chance to say the things i thought of. i imagined quiet interactions that required closeness and a more intimate exchange. and i also thought of bold grandiose romantic displays, that would put myself in the public spectacle (because so much of what we had done was more personal, hence the anonymity involved with this blog; partly cathartic through revelation and partly documentary). But either of those felt forced and desperate.


and i was neither. i had/have things i need to say, but i’m in no rush. She has been well aware of my feelings towards her, there was no secret there.


so we met one last time before she left for good. we had a moment to eat lunch together. getting to that point i felt nervous as to what i was going to do. my brain is a loose cannon at times and it doesn’t take much to make myself do things i think of. so my nervousness was warranted. i played out the scene in my head one last time before i arrived. i had come up with a good plan, a good speech, a good gesture. and i waited for her to arrive.


she walked through the door and everything i had thought of vanished. she was too much for me. i couldn’t think of all the things i thought about because while she was right there in front of me, all i could think of was her. she is that special. that amazing.


time passed by too quickly, there just didn’t seem to be enough of it to get to a point where i could say the things i wanted without them feeling rehearsed. so i never said them. besides it was all things she had heard before (not that i am unwilling to repeat them).

and she left.





it’s about 4 weeks later and we have written each other a couple of times since then. i’m not one to dwell, but she is still on my mind. i miss her so much. i wish we had the opportunity to make this work. i know that she cares about me. i was going to say that i wish i knew specifically how she cares about me, but the truth is that while i suppose it matters, i don’t care. that feels like it’s enough to keep going, to keep trying, to hang on to everything that i’ve ever had and be willing to give it all to her. this doesn’t feel over yet.


you know how i feel about you.

All the while, we were waiting to hear what you had to say.

And so here i am. a third of the way through the year. i feel like i have just participated in cannonball run or something. or maybe still in cannonball run. my head is swimming.

Anyway, the reason for the feeling is that i have not had a sufficient break in a long while. I suppose that there were those 3 weeks around the holidays last year. But i haven’t had more than a few days off at a time. And while that sounds whiney and wimpy, the fact is that i will only get 3 weeks off for this entire year until the holidays roll around again. Granted this is not the most taxing job in the world, in fact it is quite enjoyable and fulfilling. But the job requires a lot, at least in the capacity in which i am approaching it. Because i only had the previous year lined up, and was uncertain about summer and fall, i went at teaching with a fever to do things that i felt had not been done. To really strive to make the students become more active in making art than previous classes. And it paid off. i was hired on to teach a bit longer, but that means a nonstop schedule. So i am quickly appreciating the breaks i do get.


But more than just my employment, everything has been a roller-coaster. I feel like this might have been a level of productivity for me that i have never seen. i feel like i’ve been involved in so many different avenues of creativity. and i’ve approached each one with fervor and glee. This being a main one.


I take these moments i have, these moments between things, and i try to clear my head of everything, i try to not think of all the things i’m supposed to be thinking about and all the things i’m actually thinking about, and get them out of my head. i do a pretty good job. i feel that my martial arts training has helped with this. plus i’m a bit of an existentialist so i can do a lot of thinking that transforms into meditations on nothing.





I think of all the comments i get, and i genuinely try to answer them. thank you for keeping up with this blog and reading and making comments. it really keeps me going. And i’ll admit that sometimes the comments feel like they are very personal to me, like it makes me think that some of you out there might know me. If that’s true send me a line and let me know. it’d be really nice. But if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t worry about it. And for everybody, please feel free to write candidly, i’m really interested in what you have to say, and i do my best to really try and comprehend your words.

we are getting closer to being further

you have the most beautiful eyes. they make me wish i could see the world the way you do. my tired eyes are tired of the way they see the mundane. but the one thing that makes my eyes better than yours is that i can look at you. i get to see you. i get to be amazed and awe-inspired by you.


i believe in you. i have hope in you. and seeing you gives me hope.


hope that this is all worth everything. hope that i’m the right person.


you have the most beautiful smile. sort of perfect due to its flaws (but its flaws are really few). it is the sort of smile that is uncontrollable, better yet it isn’t containable. it unabashedly arrives on your face in a way that permeates the atmosphere and melts hearts. often it is too much to take in, like staring at the sun.


when i met you so long ago, i knew within those first few moments that i was into you. you posses that unquantifiable thing that makes you better than 99.9% of the rest of the world. you have that thing that makes you stand out from everything else. And while the eyes and smile (and really, everything else about you) are all very very enjoyable, it’s this other thing, this unnameable thing that makes me want to be around you. maybe it is you in your totality, or maybe it’s just one thing added on top, whatever it is, for me you are the one that i long to be with.


i know, it sounds crazy. but at the same time it’s completely sane, written down as adroitly as possible in plain english.


by the way my name is mark (but i’ll still go by boreyou).


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i was digging through some old cds and dvds the last time i came home, so here are some things that i’ve brought back with me.


i have a fond spot in heart for Hall & Oates. i don’t really know specifically what album because i have a greatest hits plus 3 cds that i’ve picked up in discount bins at gas stations while out on long drives. But they are such a great band and write such perfect songs. they hold up really well, and i think that is due in part because they don’t really get that passing interest in 80s soft rock like other bands such as journey and chicago. there’s really no irony to listening to their music because it is really straight forward and really good. i could list a bunch of different songs, but really you can’t go wrong with any of them.


i dug up 2 old Brand New Heavies albums, “Brother Sister” and “excursions”. Both of these have NDea Davenport as their singer, and were the albums when they were at their peak. They have released a bunch of albums since then with a few other singers, and recently reunited with NDea to put out a new record. But these 2 are early 90s london funk at its best. And while Jamiroquai (with bassist Stuart Zender) might have been the more popular band associated with the genre, BNH did it right and without being gimmicky. So if you are interested in dance style tracks of the 90s that aren’t too electro or house, this is worth a listen. (but i do have to say that the videos from these albums are sort of cringe inducing, sort of in a Clueless fashion sense)


i’m not sure if i’ve talked about it before but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fantastic show. it is perfect. and i bring it up because i recently saw that there was an ad for all of the seasons being on sale for 17 dollars each, which is so much better than when i bought them at full price (but well worth it still). anyway it was at bestbuy which i sort of despise but still go to.


and it seems that i like a lot of things that just don’t have any longevity to them like Arrested Development, NewsRadio, Veronica Mars, Cavemen (yes cavemen). And not to be excluded in that list is the always talked about “Freaks and Geeks”. I love that show so much. everything about it was so well done. And it rang so true to life, not ever glossed over or dolled up. it is one of the bests things ever on TV. I think sometimes that it is sort of better to have these shows end the way they do, that it helps maintain their quality and their mystique. i have to hide the dvds of this show because when i start watching i can’t stop. i end up watching all the episodes and disappearing for a few days, which is not good for work.

hello, in my yearning, never allowing malleable emotions, I slighted my attempts rather knowingly.

home again for a moment.



the funny thing about coming home is that i am just a normal person.


Up in school, i’m an artist and teacher. i am a person of great influence and part of the public spectacle. I’m a purveyor of culture and culturally important thinking. I am someone that people pay attention to. I am no glory hound, i just am commanding because of the role that people know me to fill. I’m down to earth about the whole art thing. i don’t feel like art should be exclusive and insular, but i know that it is. So i make an effort to normalize it, but i know that i can’t completely walk away from some of the things that make art difficult, for example the way that i talk about art. Art speak is often lofty and very esoteric, which does nothing to help include lay people into art. And while i often veer into that kind of talk, i make a conscious effort to be more simple when i talk about art, or at least alter the way i talk according to who i am speaking to. But yeah, art rock star? maybe, but a cool rock star, not the kind that won’t chill out with people that like them.


But back at home i’m just a normal person. I’m not the artist par excellance that i am when i’m away (and i’m saying that sort of tongue in cheekly, sort of.) I’m just my mom’s son, who’s room is still in need of a good cleaning and that i should take out the trash without having to be asked and where is the tape measure because no one can find it and i was the last one that used it 3 years ago. so just sort of normal. they don’t think i’m any more special than i already am.

it’s all sorts of sobering.


but in a good way, not ego deflating to the point of detriment way.


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i want you all to know that it doesn’t take much. i feel often that i am at a loss for knowing what is going to happen, and that turns into a low level of hopelessness. it’s just that being unsure does not allow for my assuredness. i know that sounds obvious. i am not sad about this at all, just confused. maybe curious. curious to see how the future pans out. but it doesn’t take much as i said. just these glimmers of hope, of interest in my direction, are all i need to keep pushing on. not at all trudging, more boldly making my way forward interested in each step, not burdened by them. i can see it, without knowing what it is. you(her) give me hope that i want to hold on to. you(her) make me want to keep going. let’s enjoy this crazy.

I just want to know if you’ve got room in your heart.

I just realized that i’m sort of lacking realistic concern towards the future. It feels like i am really set on being in the moment. And i feel that i have to force myself to consider the outcome of my actions and situations in life. And furthermore that having to do this is the root of my over-thinking. I think that that sounds reasonable.


i’m ready for this to happen in the worst way possible. i just want something to occur. And i feel a little tired of instigating or initiating these things in my life. I feel like being lazy and letting it come to me. But then part of me thinks that time stops if i stop trying, that i have to keep on keeping on because no one else will do it for me.

I’m used to this.





on a related but completely divergent tangent, i want to say sexy things. i want to fill your head with the sort of prose that might make you want to kiss me. maybe less the idea that the words are doing anything, and more that you might just want me to shut up for a second. i’m sort of didactic when i say things of this nature (in case any of you were curious).

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one album to talk about right now.


This one is an oldie but goodie. Goldie’s ‘Timeless’ is a great album. it is drum and bass, so that puts it in the category of electronic, but really it is so much more than that. It is gospel and r&b, along the lines of marvin’s ‘what’s going on’, but electronic (and i sort of despise the term electronic or electronica because back then we just called it all techno, and then there were sub genres.). This came out in 1995, and it makes me remeber being a crazy pent up high schooler. i had so much going on inside of me, and i felt that all i needed was the right place to let it all out. It makes me feel the sort of frustration i had back then, but also it gives me the hope i had as well. i don’t know what came over me last night, but i was struck with the feeling to find my copy of it and listen to it again. I think the last time i listened to it was around 2000, before i made the commitment to pursue education more seriously. it has so much going on, it is such a dynamic album. But back in high school i felt like i found a gem in this album. i would be a bit more selfish with my music and have a sense of ownership over records that i felt responsible for. i have this both on tape and on cd (just an aside to how much i like this album).


anyway, this album is a deep album that can get you moving, or just chill out and get into a head nodding sort of mood. Go listen to the album, it’s perfect (and don’t really bother with saturns return, his second album).

An open letter to whom my concern once garnered.

dear xxxxxxxxxx,

what happened? the last time we talked, where did we leave it? i just can’t figure out what it was that you wanted. i’ve never been angry at you before that day. well maybe i was angry at some point. but i just didn’t let it out. i didn’t get angry at you.



i am frustrated with everything that has transpired, and that is painful and makes me mad that i wasn’t able to do anything about it.



and your reluctance and apathy towards any attempt of salvaging this thing, being so unrelentingly blaze’ about the whole thing really destroyed this love i have had in my heart.

but love can be shattered, and hearts can be broken, but the shards and pieces don’t just disappear. they sit there inside that chest cavity, and sort of shift and jostle around while they lodge themselves into the soft fleshy insides.


i tried on numerous occasions to resuscitate what we have. and the only time it would even approach that, was when we were nearing dire straits and would try to reel it back in. try to catch a bit more of that magic (fleeting) feeling.


did you try too? i think you did, but maybe i didn’t see it.


we both just gave up i think.


what does it all add up to. i can’t see the forest for the trees.


so does it work, us taking this breath. i am resisting urges to recoil back to the comfort of the white noise of life.


sincerely,

xxxxxxxxxxx

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well it is not that sad. it is hard to think that this feels normal. i feel like moving on with my life.


ini. i think you still read this. i want to figure so much out. you need time and space to work on stuff. i’ve got al the time to give you.


sigh…



hahaha. i feel kind of all over the place. up and down, happy sad. i am crazy.

my life could be in shambles. but it’s not.

i’m sort of exasperated. i’m a little tired of my life right now. i’m not trying to be so down in the dumps. it feels like i can’t really look at this right now. i just don’t feel that it would have been productive for my own well being. so i felt that i had to walk away from this for a bit. a couple weeks off was not much in terms of time, but it did a great service to me just getting my head in a better place. so i apologize for the sudden disappearance.


things become unclear the more time is moving forward. while i have started to make some plans for the future in regards to employment, i still don’t know what to do after that is up. And that’s the thing about working as a lower level teacher in college, you really are just at the mercy of the people in charge. and i’ve tried to accept it, i’ve tried to prepare myself for the end of my time in the place that i am currently at. i’ve started to tell myself that it will all be good once i go back to my home. but now, new things may open up here, and that throws a wrench in my retreat. if the school offered me more time up here, i’d have to take the job. i can’t not take it. i want the job. but it feels like i’m drawing out my return. it feels like i ran away from something and i’m just doing things in order to keep running.


but that’s only one side. i knew what i was getting myself into. i have hope that this is all for something greater in the future. that i am investing in myself, my life. but this struggle of job security has me really worried. i have hope in my heart that this will work out, but it’s waning. i just want to know that it will be. and i know that i just can’t see it yet. it’ll get there.



life and love and all that stuff.



and what of love?


i don’t know.


it sucks to have a broken heart. that’s all i can say.


i try. i want love and i want to be a good person. so that’s what i’m trying to do. i am putting myself in positions that i feel correct. i am enacting actions i feel are right.


i want that feeling. i want that girl across from me to want me as much as i would want her.




i wish i had the chance for us to be close. give me the chance to hear what you have to say to me. i want to rest my hands across you.

i used to think i knew something. now i know better.

there are these long pauses in life. sort of agonizing in their duration. it feels like the moments between when ini and i are within each others’ vicinity seem to be getting larger and larger, while conversely the time we spend is dwindling. you might chalk it up to her not liking me. i might chalk it up to the same thing too. or maybe it is my inaction that is the culprit. but i want to say that i’m trying. i’m trying to do what i feel is needing to be done. and maybe she just doesn’t feel the same way i do.



but then, how exactly do i feel?



i’m fine, thanks for asking.



no really, i’m fine. but how do i feel about everything right now, i suppose is the better question.




i guess everything is the same. i really feel like we need to give this a shot, her and i. at least i feel like it deserves everything i’ve got to throw at it. but these gaps, these ever expanding chasms between us are starting to take their toll on me. not at all dissuading me to keep trying, but making me at least wonder for how long should i go on. do i need to take a hint at this? are these actions, or inactions rather, the things i need to see. or am i looking too far into something that is maybe nothing at all. and i don’t mean that this relationship between her and i, the friendship we have or the romance i want, are nothing. i meant that i’m looking too hard at every nuance that it’s starting to be more destructive then beneficial. but love does that i suppose. it amplifies everything. makes everything bigger and more meaningful, and sometimes that makes the world harder to stomach.


and i think of the future. i think of what do i do if this happens. what do i do if it doesn’t. i have no ideas. and even more so it feels like life is really going to come knocking on my door soon enough. i know that this life that i’ve had, sort of nomadic and free, yet stable enough to participate in, is winding down finally. and i don’t know what’s next. there doesn’t seem to be anything i can be sure of for the future. i have no anchor. and i suppose to continue a nautical metaphor, the wind is blowing in every direction. all i have to do is steer.


but love is a wonderful place to be. sort of scary. it makes my heart race, or rather, she makes my heart race. i’m jonesing for her in the worst way. and maybe it’s better to not see her. so that maybe the inevitable of this thing not happening is less heartbreaking. but the problem with that is that the lack of interaction is equally heartbreaking. i guess there is no winning at this game for me.


but i’m not sad or depressed by any means. i feel good about life. i feel excited by the potential. and part of that has to do with meeting ini in the first place. helping me understand what it was to have this all over again. i wouldn’t have done it without her.


my yearning is related to wanting to share this great thing with a great person.


and the other. what is happening there. nothing. we’re friends. i love her. but we’re not lovers by any means. it compounds its emotional wreckage by having to watch love alter in a way that it makes you feel like love is dying. maybe that doesn’t make sense. and maybe it does. i can’t tell the difference anymore. but i miss her. i miss the way my hand fit over hers. it’s hard to make sense of any of this. it gets more convoluted the longer time goes on, and all of this is just happening in my head. i hear voices (not really, and i’m not any more or less crazy than i am normal) and i have conversations that play out over and over again. sometimes they repeat reality and other times they are conjured out of the ether. and the line between the two is so blurry and crooked. i lack clarity. but then if i think it is it true if i think it is true?

maybe i’m having an existential crisis.


it wouldn’t be the first time.

but the complexities of all of this… it’s so hard to explain everything that is going on. i really am trying. i’m trying to be honest about this situation, but i know that every side has a different story, and i’m eager to listen to those.






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maybe something different to not think about the things we think about when we try not to think.


music. how about some music.


Kon & Amir released another great album “kon & amir present off track volume 2″. it’s available on itunes. they do an amazing job of finding some great tracks of rare soul and funk. this album has even better tracks than the first off track. it gets a little bit more consistently worldly than previous albums. in the past they have included cambodian (?) covers of songs, some dub and dance hall stuff, and other neat tidbits. in this album they dedicated a lot of time to some african inspired soul. really good grooves going on. i drove around town today, taking the scenic route just hanging out with that album.


And in a similar vein, i just got 9 or so albums of Fela Kuti. i’ve had ‘zombie’ for a while, but just recently got a whole slew of albums. Fela Kuti is often touted as africa’s James Brown. His songs have a long groove going on. the albums are lush in their orchestration, and while the jam can go abstract at times, the band is good at bringing it back with a thunder. pick up zombie as a good starting point or check out some youtube videos of him in action. also he has a pretty amazing story, sort of pales other musicians lives.


For a more contemporary sound, check out Omega Love. i have their self titled cd, and they have a new one on the way. Philly seems like the place for great music, and they definitely add to my perception of the city. they sound like… um i don’t know, a bunch of different bands all at the same time. i hear brand new heavies, the cardigans, esthero, and some other stuff as well. i’m excited about their new album because i heard a single off of it. check out their myspace.


and i just picked up Do Make Say Think’s ‘you, you’re a history in rust’. i’ve only listened to it a bit, but i’ve liked their previous albums. they make provocative (mostly) instrumental songs that range from indie pop to avant garde, a la broken social scene (one of my favorite bands ever).



and another i’ve picked up but have not listened to at all is wolf parade’s ‘feed the animals’. i loved their ‘apologies to the queen mary’ album so much, and i will write a review once i let it sink in.


And on a bad note, weezer’s new album (the red one) is verging on really really bad. i’m trying to give them a fair shake, and maybe i just don’t get it anymore or maybe it’s over my head, but this album is lacking in so many ways. the songs are overly simple and lack the complexities of songs like ‘only in dreams’ and ‘i just threw out the love of my dreams’ and ‘tired of sex’. And maybe this is a case of how pinkerton sort of disappointed at first in the shadow of the blue album but slowly became a piece of genius start to finish. The only problem with that thinking is that i’ve been saying that for the last 3 albums and it has yet to happen for any of those, and i sort of doubt it’ll happen with this one. stop doing what you’re doing and start proving me wrong, please!

okay i’ve been away a bit too long.

thanks for still checking in to see if anything has happened here, and sorry that nothing has for the last 10 days. i’m back.


so in the few days that i’ve been missing in action, a few things occurred. not anything in any gigantic sense, but things. and still i suppose that that is something.


school had come to a nice end. i felt as if i have accomplished something. and this is not a selfish proclamation. the students in my class all year long made amazing work. it feels like there is an energy, a sort of fervor, towards art making that has been a bit absent. at least during the time that i was doing my graduate studies there. There are confident kids out there that are making strong work, and i feel like i might have had something to do with that. that maybe i helped infect them with the love towards art making that i have, and that maybe they’ll remember me as they go on, the way i fondly remember the teachers that helped me get through my early stages. and more so, other faculty has taken notice to the work that i put into it, and they’ve given me kind words and encouragement to pursue teaching. i would like them to give me a more permanent job though instead… i’m kidding. no, but really if they gave me a more stable position that would be awesome. but i feel like i’ve had a positive influence on the students, and that they’ve built a good working relationship with me. and i look forward to working with them in the future.


to cap off the end of the year, the art department held an annual student show, and while the show as a whole was very good, i feel like the kids that i chose made some of the strongest work.


and i suppose that this is petty, but my teaching peer, who is also the guy that i sort of compete for jobs with, chose a student in my class to put in a piece that she had done in my class. and while they had worked together in the past, the fact was that he chose a piece that he had nothing to do with and that i had initiated. while he and i are still very professional and are somewhat friendly, there is still a sense of competitiveness between us because we are both jockeying for the same position.


but on the other end of the spectrum, a good friend was given a job at the school, and now he and i are in competition for positions. and i just found out that he was given the intermediate class while i was given the beginning class. this really bummed me out (as well as a lot of the students) because i feel really invested in helping the kids along. and i sort of see it as problematic because he is sort of notoriously very traditional and has a lot of strict rules set up that i feel could stifle or retard the students progression. but i know that it is good for them to get a range of teaching styles to expose them to new things, so i can’t be too mad. i just hope that he won’t mess them up. And furthermore, i understand that i might be a better fit for the beginning class because of this very reason, that i can start them off in ways that challenge traditional modes of making art as opposed to making them fit within those traditions, especially earlier on in their art education. in the end, i still want to work with the more advanced students and they with me.


and yet more about school. i know that i won’t be where i am forever, but i know that i’m there for a little longer, and it has been bittersweet to see two of my best students leave school for other places. they both were unhappy with what they were getting at the school (i assume myself excluded from that list) and are going to other places as of yet unknown. But they were the best i had seen, and i really hope that they got something from me. and they, as well as everyone else i teach, is always welcome to talk to me and talk about art from here on out ( not that they will read this or that you might care, but i put it out there anyway).


and after the student show ini and i (as well as a bunch of other people) hung out for a long time. this was the first time in a while, and i quickly remembered how easy it was. how fun it was to be around people you care about, people that matter. it makes it all right. it makes it alright. actually it makes it fantastic. and it made the heartache of the last 6 months sort of melt away. that at that split second in the length of a lifetime, everything felt amazing. i couldn’t ask for more. but that doesn’t stop me wanting to ask for more.

and it feels like there is yet more story to take place, more life to figure out. it feels like i can shed the fear of this all being so finite.