we are getting closer to being further

you have the most beautiful eyes. they make me wish i could see the world the way you do. my tired eyes are tired of the way they see the mundane. but the one thing that makes my eyes better than yours is that i can look at you. i get to see you. i get to be amazed and awe-inspired by you.


i believe in you. i have hope in you. and seeing you gives me hope.


hope that this is all worth everything. hope that i’m the right person.


you have the most beautiful smile. sort of perfect due to its flaws (but its flaws are really few). it is the sort of smile that is uncontrollable, better yet it isn’t containable. it unabashedly arrives on your face in a way that permeates the atmosphere and melts hearts. often it is too much to take in, like staring at the sun.


when i met you so long ago, i knew within those first few moments that i was into you. you posses that unquantifiable thing that makes you better than 99.9% of the rest of the world. you have that thing that makes you stand out from everything else. And while the eyes and smile (and really, everything else about you) are all very very enjoyable, it’s this other thing, this unnameable thing that makes me want to be around you. maybe it is you in your totality, or maybe it’s just one thing added on top, whatever it is, for me you are the one that i long to be with.


i know, it sounds crazy. but at the same time it’s completely sane, written down as adroitly as possible in plain english.


by the way my name is mark (but i’ll still go by boreyou).


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i was digging through some old cds and dvds the last time i came home, so here are some things that i’ve brought back with me.


i have a fond spot in heart for Hall & Oates. i don’t really know specifically what album because i have a greatest hits plus 3 cds that i’ve picked up in discount bins at gas stations while out on long drives. But they are such a great band and write such perfect songs. they hold up really well, and i think that is due in part because they don’t really get that passing interest in 80s soft rock like other bands such as journey and chicago. there’s really no irony to listening to their music because it is really straight forward and really good. i could list a bunch of different songs, but really you can’t go wrong with any of them.


i dug up 2 old Brand New Heavies albums, “Brother Sister” and “excursions”. Both of these have NDea Davenport as their singer, and were the albums when they were at their peak. They have released a bunch of albums since then with a few other singers, and recently reunited with NDea to put out a new record. But these 2 are early 90s london funk at its best. And while Jamiroquai (with bassist Stuart Zender) might have been the more popular band associated with the genre, BNH did it right and without being gimmicky. So if you are interested in dance style tracks of the 90s that aren’t too electro or house, this is worth a listen. (but i do have to say that the videos from these albums are sort of cringe inducing, sort of in a Clueless fashion sense)


i’m not sure if i’ve talked about it before but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fantastic show. it is perfect. and i bring it up because i recently saw that there was an ad for all of the seasons being on sale for 17 dollars each, which is so much better than when i bought them at full price (but well worth it still). anyway it was at bestbuy which i sort of despise but still go to.


and it seems that i like a lot of things that just don’t have any longevity to them like Arrested Development, NewsRadio, Veronica Mars, Cavemen (yes cavemen). And not to be excluded in that list is the always talked about “Freaks and Geeks”. I love that show so much. everything about it was so well done. And it rang so true to life, not ever glossed over or dolled up. it is one of the bests things ever on TV. I think sometimes that it is sort of better to have these shows end the way they do, that it helps maintain their quality and their mystique. i have to hide the dvds of this show because when i start watching i can’t stop. i end up watching all the episodes and disappearing for a few days, which is not good for work.

An open letter to whom my concern once garnered.

dear xxxxxxxxxx,

what happened? the last time we talked, where did we leave it? i just can’t figure out what it was that you wanted. i’ve never been angry at you before that day. well maybe i was angry at some point. but i just didn’t let it out. i didn’t get angry at you.



i am frustrated with everything that has transpired, and that is painful and makes me mad that i wasn’t able to do anything about it.



and your reluctance and apathy towards any attempt of salvaging this thing, being so unrelentingly blaze’ about the whole thing really destroyed this love i have had in my heart.

but love can be shattered, and hearts can be broken, but the shards and pieces don’t just disappear. they sit there inside that chest cavity, and sort of shift and jostle around while they lodge themselves into the soft fleshy insides.


i tried on numerous occasions to resuscitate what we have. and the only time it would even approach that, was when we were nearing dire straits and would try to reel it back in. try to catch a bit more of that magic (fleeting) feeling.


did you try too? i think you did, but maybe i didn’t see it.


we both just gave up i think.


what does it all add up to. i can’t see the forest for the trees.


so does it work, us taking this breath. i am resisting urges to recoil back to the comfort of the white noise of life.


sincerely,

xxxxxxxxxxx

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well it is not that sad. it is hard to think that this feels normal. i feel like moving on with my life.


ini. i think you still read this. i want to figure so much out. you need time and space to work on stuff. i’ve got al the time to give you.


sigh…



hahaha. i feel kind of all over the place. up and down, happy sad. i am crazy.

i used to think i knew something. now i know better.

there are these long pauses in life. sort of agonizing in their duration. it feels like the moments between when ini and i are within each others’ vicinity seem to be getting larger and larger, while conversely the time we spend is dwindling. you might chalk it up to her not liking me. i might chalk it up to the same thing too. or maybe it is my inaction that is the culprit. but i want to say that i’m trying. i’m trying to do what i feel is needing to be done. and maybe she just doesn’t feel the same way i do.



but then, how exactly do i feel?



i’m fine, thanks for asking.



no really, i’m fine. but how do i feel about everything right now, i suppose is the better question.




i guess everything is the same. i really feel like we need to give this a shot, her and i. at least i feel like it deserves everything i’ve got to throw at it. but these gaps, these ever expanding chasms between us are starting to take their toll on me. not at all dissuading me to keep trying, but making me at least wonder for how long should i go on. do i need to take a hint at this? are these actions, or inactions rather, the things i need to see. or am i looking too far into something that is maybe nothing at all. and i don’t mean that this relationship between her and i, the friendship we have or the romance i want, are nothing. i meant that i’m looking too hard at every nuance that it’s starting to be more destructive then beneficial. but love does that i suppose. it amplifies everything. makes everything bigger and more meaningful, and sometimes that makes the world harder to stomach.


and i think of the future. i think of what do i do if this happens. what do i do if it doesn’t. i have no ideas. and even more so it feels like life is really going to come knocking on my door soon enough. i know that this life that i’ve had, sort of nomadic and free, yet stable enough to participate in, is winding down finally. and i don’t know what’s next. there doesn’t seem to be anything i can be sure of for the future. i have no anchor. and i suppose to continue a nautical metaphor, the wind is blowing in every direction. all i have to do is steer.


but love is a wonderful place to be. sort of scary. it makes my heart race, or rather, she makes my heart race. i’m jonesing for her in the worst way. and maybe it’s better to not see her. so that maybe the inevitable of this thing not happening is less heartbreaking. but the problem with that is that the lack of interaction is equally heartbreaking. i guess there is no winning at this game for me.


but i’m not sad or depressed by any means. i feel good about life. i feel excited by the potential. and part of that has to do with meeting ini in the first place. helping me understand what it was to have this all over again. i wouldn’t have done it without her.


my yearning is related to wanting to share this great thing with a great person.


and the other. what is happening there. nothing. we’re friends. i love her. but we’re not lovers by any means. it compounds its emotional wreckage by having to watch love alter in a way that it makes you feel like love is dying. maybe that doesn’t make sense. and maybe it does. i can’t tell the difference anymore. but i miss her. i miss the way my hand fit over hers. it’s hard to make sense of any of this. it gets more convoluted the longer time goes on, and all of this is just happening in my head. i hear voices (not really, and i’m not any more or less crazy than i am normal) and i have conversations that play out over and over again. sometimes they repeat reality and other times they are conjured out of the ether. and the line between the two is so blurry and crooked. i lack clarity. but then if i think it is it true if i think it is true?

maybe i’m having an existential crisis.


it wouldn’t be the first time.

but the complexities of all of this… it’s so hard to explain everything that is going on. i really am trying. i’m trying to be honest about this situation, but i know that every side has a different story, and i’m eager to listen to those.






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maybe something different to not think about the things we think about when we try not to think.


music. how about some music.


Kon & Amir released another great album “kon & amir present off track volume 2″. it’s available on itunes. they do an amazing job of finding some great tracks of rare soul and funk. this album has even better tracks than the first off track. it gets a little bit more consistently worldly than previous albums. in the past they have included cambodian (?) covers of songs, some dub and dance hall stuff, and other neat tidbits. in this album they dedicated a lot of time to some african inspired soul. really good grooves going on. i drove around town today, taking the scenic route just hanging out with that album.


And in a similar vein, i just got 9 or so albums of Fela Kuti. i’ve had ‘zombie’ for a while, but just recently got a whole slew of albums. Fela Kuti is often touted as africa’s James Brown. His songs have a long groove going on. the albums are lush in their orchestration, and while the jam can go abstract at times, the band is good at bringing it back with a thunder. pick up zombie as a good starting point or check out some youtube videos of him in action. also he has a pretty amazing story, sort of pales other musicians lives.


For a more contemporary sound, check out Omega Love. i have their self titled cd, and they have a new one on the way. Philly seems like the place for great music, and they definitely add to my perception of the city. they sound like… um i don’t know, a bunch of different bands all at the same time. i hear brand new heavies, the cardigans, esthero, and some other stuff as well. i’m excited about their new album because i heard a single off of it. check out their myspace.


and i just picked up Do Make Say Think’s ‘you, you’re a history in rust’. i’ve only listened to it a bit, but i’ve liked their previous albums. they make provocative (mostly) instrumental songs that range from indie pop to avant garde, a la broken social scene (one of my favorite bands ever).



and another i’ve picked up but have not listened to at all is wolf parade’s ‘feed the animals’. i loved their ‘apologies to the queen mary’ album so much, and i will write a review once i let it sink in.


And on a bad note, weezer’s new album (the red one) is verging on really really bad. i’m trying to give them a fair shake, and maybe i just don’t get it anymore or maybe it’s over my head, but this album is lacking in so many ways. the songs are overly simple and lack the complexities of songs like ‘only in dreams’ and ‘i just threw out the love of my dreams’ and ‘tired of sex’. And maybe this is a case of how pinkerton sort of disappointed at first in the shadow of the blue album but slowly became a piece of genius start to finish. The only problem with that thinking is that i’ve been saying that for the last 3 albums and it has yet to happen for any of those, and i sort of doubt it’ll happen with this one. stop doing what you’re doing and start proving me wrong, please!

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you my heartache.

this title makes me think of the Spiritualized album “ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space” and the title song at the beginning of the record. it came out right after high school for me, and it reminds me of the fall of my second year of college. it makes me sad, sort of inflective, over that time. it makes my memories play out like a pensive movie montage, maybe because that is how i thought life was supposed to be back then. i was so directionless, i didn’t understand what i was doing in school, i had no life, i was a failure at love. It makes me feel an achy pain in my chest when i think about that time of my life. but it’s a beautiful album and is just so laden with sentiment and heartbreak that makes it an interesting listen, even in light of the way it makes me feel (actually probably because of the way it makes me feel.) anyway, the title track has a verse that goes ‘all i want in life is a little bit of love to take the pain away.’ is there nothing more perfect than that phrase?


how do we go on when we are heartbroken? it feels so impossible to make pretend gestures that your heart is capable to love again after it has been shattered. but then one day it is all possible. it all starts to happen before you have the chance to realize that anything has changed.


maybe it’s like a friends hair. if you see them everyday, their hair grows at a normal rate, but you normalize its progress and stop noticing any change. but if you only see them sporadically, their hair grows, and as more time passes without interaction, the next time you see them after an extended time apart, their hair will most likely look different(granted that they don’t have it cut the same way.)


but you forget that you were feeling that pain, maybe because you expect it to be there, and at first it’s all you can focus on, but after a while it becomes a part of the daily routine until it just disappears and gets swallowed up by the background.


i have this sinking feeling that ini doesn’t feel at all similarly towards me that i do to towards her. and it makes my heart ache like thinking back to those early college days does. but because this is so current and of the moment, it feels like it’s a more intense sort of feeling. i can feel that acheyness travel out to my elbows, all tingle and electricity running through outstretched arms. i’m tired of imagining all of this. i want this fantasy to become reality. but i’m frightened by the end of it all as well. i’m ready for anything that comes my way. i want to be a part of life. i want to be included in all the fun and excitement.

to whom it may concern, and really it may not concern anyone.

if i fell in love with you it was all on accident. i never set out to develop feelings, i never wanted that to happen, but it did. And now, in the thick of all of it, i don’t regret it one bit. I make no apologies for this. i couldn’t help myself from falling for you when i did. i am not the type of person that readily makes attempts at love, i’ve been wounded and wounded others enough to know that this, love, is not something anyone should brandish in a foolish manner. i try to be responsible. i try to be sincere.

I’m not sure what i want from all of this anymore. ini i am in love with you. i want you to feel the same way. But a part of me believes that if you feel that way it won’t make us be together. it will only break our hearts even more. i know you need to see what life has to offer, to find out what’s in store for you. and i want you to know, to find out by walking the road you set out to walk. But i know that if you do, then you are not going to be with me. so i am conflicted. And so, i ask myself is it enough to find out how you feel about me, which i hope is similar to how i feel, or am i hinged on being with you, on sharing life sort of more closely than friends? i don’t have an answer, but i feel myself leaning towards just knowing that i was able to make myself, however brief, someone who entered into your life and became something special enough. but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it all. or from wanting at all for that matter.

and right now, this moment that i type this, i’m yours if you want me. forget all that other stuff no need to mention it at all (but i will if you ask). i’m willing to start anew. to give this a shot like a shot should be given.





and it has not really been a distance that i have admired you from, but i want to explore closeness.




but then what if… what if you don’t feel that way, that you can’t bring yourself to have those feelings. where does that leave us? how does this change our friendship? i think i altered our dynamic the moment i let out the fact that i liked you. but i’m not sure what would happen. i am not the person that can sweep this under the proverbial rug, i mean look at all this that has been written. it was all for you, all because of you, at least at the onset. but i feel myself mature. i feel like i am well developed, that i am capable of existing without the possibility of romantic intentions while still maintaining a caring disposition to your general and specific well-being. i want to suffer from our closeness in the best ways possible (read that plurally as in there are myriad ways in which we can be close, also suffer in the way that it could mean the best thing possible.)



and here we are, nearing the denouemont of this dramatic chapter of our stories. i wonder with acute anticipation of finding out what happens next.

The sound of nothing poured in through my open windows.

I am in bed. the windows are open and i can hear the world out there. It is completely silent except for the clack of my typing and my breathing as i lay on my chest. Off in the distance i hear the occasional car exert the doppler effect on it’s engine noise. But other than that, nothing. No wind, no late birds or small animals searching through the trees and bushes. It is eerie quiet. If this is real silence, i feel like i am approaching total isolation, complete loneliness. i hold my breath and strain my ears, and maybe i imagine i can hear the blood rush through my veins, pretending to be the ocean trapped in a shell. but i think that it’s made up. it doesn’t really make any sound, i just sort of hope that it’s there. and my lungs are burning, and i let out some carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.



there, another car just passed.


i have hope that i am capable of being in love. i have hope that someone will be passionate about me in a way that i understand passion to function. i want it to be ini. i want to spell her name out, her real name. i want everyone to know. in my head, as i play out these scenarios, people seem to care, maybe even conjure opinions over the situation, and i don’t care in each version. let them think what they think. let them all know. let them. we, she and i, feel so obvious. it feels like some secret that everyone is sort of pretending to not know.


ini, god i wish i just used your real name, i sat there in that strange chair and your feet were close. i just was into your cool shoes. pointy and sort of perfectly shaped. i figure you didn’t build them, but there was this feeling like they belonged to you (besides the fact that they were on your feet). i wanted to rest my hand across the top of your ankle, my giant paw seems like it could wrap around it, sort of. not really at all to hold you or pin you into some sort of trapped instrument of mobility, but rather like an old phone resting on its rotary cradle.


and another car just drove by.

let’s make a promise to never forget to remember each other.

i’ve been sort of preoccupied the last week to really get in any real thought towards an interesting post. I’ve been at work in the studio and at work, and it feels like my days have been so long and filled. but it’s good to feel busy. to feel like i’m doing stuff. And i’ve been going home for the weekends, so that has been hectic. nice but hectic nonetheless.


at work and in life, i’ve been hanging out with the same people day in and day out. and while they are all fun and interesting, it doesn’t seem like a complete thing either. It sort of feels like prelude to something else. and granted i’m still waiting to hang out with someone else, but having things going on makes the dry spell slightly more bearable. but still i want to hang out with her. but more on that when that happens. haha moron. (sorry, i’m feeling a bit loopy and childish.)

So as i was driving i was thinking of something.


people fall in love. people fall out of love. people fall in love again. but between falling out and falling in again, there is nothing more riveting than the pain you feel from falling out. And while you watch your life spiral out of control, watch your heart experience some pain that you feel will be so terrible and permanent, when you find someone new, or someone finds you, always when you least expect it, that pain stops having such a real gravity.


anyway, my point being is that when relationships fall apart, you make a promise to someone or yourself or they to you or whatever, that you will never forget someone. that for what it was worth, for maybe all the bad things or terrible feelings you are going through or have yet to go through, the truth is that you will forget them soon enough. You will soon replace them with someone new, and they will replace you as well. But we want to hang on. we want to know that we will suffer, that we get the chance to experience anguish, that we will know that we tried to do things and didn’t get it right but we got back on that horse. It’s sort of heroic a gesture. one that is slightly self inflicted but still heroic. It gives us reason, purpose.


I want to think that i hang on to those things, that i don’t forget. But i have. i have been trying to remember them, but they are starting to fade. I find that i’m in a mad scramble to try to keep them all. i want to think that i’ll remember this all, but then i feel that i might not, so i suppose this is what i’m writing it for.



that’s about all i’ve got right now. i know it’s not as concise or maybe prose worthy as some other posts. but i’ll be back to my good old self soon enough.




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i’m ready for tuesday. here’s why.


the 15 year old kid that i sometimes act like is looking forward to the release of gr4nd th3ft 4uto 4 (i wrote it that way to not get strange traffic). I don’t play video games all too much anymore, but in my youth i used to wast hours and hours on video games. In fact i still have my original nintendo. I used to spend days and nights in the arcade. And in all honesty i am one of the better street fighter 2 players ever. I am not really making that up either. i’ve won contests and everything. but the new game looks fun and i want to see how it all comes together. I’ve played the last one and it was tons of fun. I’m thinking i might end up getting lost and will never be seen ever again. that’s not true. i hope.



Here’s the real deal. Tuesday is the day of Portishead’s new CD ‘3′ is out. I can not wait. i want want want so bad to have it. i’ve watched a video of a live performance or the new stuff and it’s amazing. They are also playing coachella this weekend. bummed that i can’t go. i’ll write a real review as soon as i hear it first hand.

unless you can’t, halt yourself from trying to love the idea of love.

I wonder when it is that i will stop. I wonder when i will stop wanting what i want, wanting to feel a certain way. when will those things change? but maybe i need clarity to what it is i want.

it feels like a long time ago, but i met a girl, and we fell for each other. it was an amazing thing. i am no jilted lover, i am no unrequited piner, i am a person who acts openly and honestly and meaningfully. Would it have been better to have let it all go when she wanted to leave. instead i gave her a reason to stay, i showed her the person i truly am capable of being, and she knew that she wanted to be with me. so where did that love go after it had left and came back? when did it change after it had stopped being love and turned back into it? Where is it now, now that my life is different, now that i’m not holding on so dearly, so tightly. i was willing to let go once, after i realized i could not force someone to love me back, but that feeling never left. that fear i had of losing love was so strong, but to let that go was liberating, to be no longer a victim of the way the heart pulls at its own strings, the way that it sways your life like a tiny toy boat in the ocean, it wasn’t the boss of me. I finally felt like i was in control. but i was wrong. it still tugs and sways and turns me over. now, i’m just more willing to let go, knowing that i’ll be alive at the end, knowing that i’ll survive, and that no matter the severity of the scars that remain, i’ll come back able to use my heart, able to feel, willing to love again.

And in a moment, a split second of my life, i meet someone else, someone other than my other. Ini, her name that i gave her here, became something. someone to hope for, someone to cloud my dreams and occupy my thoughts. i knew that i was heading towards these feelings, but what could i do to stop them. it had felt that the trajectory was set, that i was going to feel the way i feel, no matter what i had done. And i was frightened. i was afraid of forcing a moment, losing a friend, overstepping my boundaries, being a cad, hurting feelings, bruising my ego, diminishing my pride, and there are many others i could list. but the one thing i wasn’t afraid of, but maybe i should have been cautious of, was falling in love. and that is what happened. i could tell you all the reasons that she was worthwhile to fall for, but that is mine, that is for me and her to know.

i fell for a girl in a moment, when on the other side of my world i was falling out with another. but none of that had solidity, had any foundations. It was all, and still is a fluid thing. this life is not static, nor is it set in stone. it has no path, it will go where it goes, i can try to steer it, try to divert it, but i am at its mercy.

and i told ini, i told her how i felt, how i was willing to risk all that i was afraid of for her. and in return she said things that were reasonable and understandable. she spoke with clarity and grace, and it made my actions feel brash and misguided. but they aren’t, they weren’t. I try to mean what i say and say what i mean, i prescribe to an economy of words (although that may not be apparent here) and try to be sincere with utmost sincerity. But the things she said, i’m not sure what it means, because in my mind, as it races and retraces the syllables hitting my ear, i dig in deep into semantics and context. The conversation we had had takes on nuances that may or may not have existed, that may or may not have been concocted in my head. And i am yearning for simplicity, and completely mortified of it. A ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ feels so decisive and permanent. Where are the grey areas? But the truth is it is those grey areas are what mess me up. It makes me make up hunches, it lets me play with the permutations, and lets me make hypotheses that probably would never occur.

So where does it end. Where did it even begin. I have such strong feelings for ini, but there are so many circumstances that could prevent reciprocation. And i think that at the top of my list i play with the idea of how she ultimately feels about me. is she as conflicted as i am, albeit not for the same reasons but conflicted nonetheless, or is this easy. I like to think that i am not so crazy as to think that she has something stirring inside of her for me. that there is some sort of mutual desire towards one another, and that i am not so me strange person who over reads a situation, who misunderstood simple friendliness as something more. i want to believe that she cares for me, that she might even like me, might even want me.

Maybe i am that misunderstanding guy, and if that were the case, i’m not sure that that would be all that bad. i am capable of hoping that i could have something grand, even if that were so unfathomable. what do we have if we have no hope.

But then where does it end. Wanting her. wanting to be with her. that might be moot. that might not ever be in the cards. when do i give up hope. hoping that this might be amazing if we ever get to the point of letting it be more amazing than it already has been. and it has been amazing. i want to amplify that to some ultimate proportions. And in my head, one of those hypotheses, is the idea that maybe it’s not right right now. maybe somewhere down the road, in some future tense, we will be amazing together.


and i wonder if that is a problem. because when does hope give up. if not now, if with the prospect of maybe later, when? do i even need hope to give up? i don’t want to think that this is some sort of feeling that i can quit. because it isn’t. she is

would it be easier to know that she won’t ever love me?



i have nothing to say about that.











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so something new to listen to, maybe not new to you, not even new to me, but new in terms of me writing it down here, and hopefully you maybe reading it.


ZZ Hill ‘that aint the way you make love’ is a great song. it was used on madvillian’s ‘fancy clown’ and Kon&Amir ‘off track 6′, which are both amazing amazing things to listen to if you haven’t heard them. But the original is a hard plea to make things better. And listening to it makes me think of Marvin Gayes’ ‘Save the Children-God is Love-Mercy Mercy Me’ trilogy off of the What’s Going On album. But Hill has a good simple voice that recalls redding and bobby womack. And since i’m on a roll, listen to Bobby Womack’s “the womack live/safety zone” album (you can get it on itunes). I found this tape in my garage, the womack live one, way back in 94, it must have been my dad’s or my uncle’s from the 70s, and it changed my world. For anyone that is into performers, this album is a tight lesson in how to work the crowd. I would have loved to have been in that new orleans hall back in 197(?). The safety zone part is ok, but the live one makes this worth buying. I still have the tape, although i’ve had to change the plastic casing twice. That’s how good it is, and i don’t even have a working tape player anymore.



I like to think that i might know what an interesting image is. I am an art teacher after all. Although in my experience, being an art teacher does not always mean a person is qualified at knowing what is good or bad. But that being said, i enjoy photography, although i am not at all skilled in it, so my efforts tend to be more haphazard. But here are some images that i have taken.

rescue my love from the grasp of my heart

I’m quickly on my way back to my life away from where i have grown up, and i’m a little saddened by it. I had not thought about returning to responsibilities at all. Returning to some idea of professionalism. The only thing i thought about was the girl ini. She is up there. she is part of that place. but she transcends it. she is not tethered to my living there, the way that other things are when i am physically there. But i look forward to being within the same sort of zone as her. I look forward to interacting.

and i’m not sure if it is entirely out of romantic intention. I look forward to seeing her because she is a friend. and in my life i have a small list of friends. I was always friendly with a majority of people, and others have found me easy to talk to and get along with, and the things i say insightful and genuine, but a real level of closeness is sort of exclusive for me. and she and i have that.

and i know that she probably reads this, so this might sound like some sort of reasoning out loud to make me appear a certain way, but it isn’t. and i’m not even sure what my point was with breaking the paragraph and stating this. Like some sort of safety net, or written proof that i’m not hopelessly infatuated. but then maybe i am because i just reasoned against it.

but anyway, i look forward to nights turning into days. i look forward to getting close to someone, only to know that we will be sad when we go different ways. And that feeling of this whole thing ending, at least in proximity, is so frightening and looming on the horizon. and i’m worried and scared of losing this amazing thing, but i believe that it is more then proximity and circumstance that makes her and i click. It is the wanting of something amazing, and maybe not just for ourselves but for each other and the world.

and that, thinking of that makes me want her more.

so my other and i talked. we talked about breaking up. and i aired everything with her. without specifics, i told her it all. and we are still holding on. holding on to hope that maybe this can all work out. i know that it will all work out, i just don’t know how or with who. but that is all semantics i suppose.

but it makes me wonder if we are with people because they are the best, or because there is no one that we’ve found who is better. It is the small change in language that alter the sentiment so greatly and profoundly, that it makes a world of difference. I really believe what a friend once wrote, “the pursuit of happiness is an admission of sadness”. Am i, are any of us just looking for the next best thing? does that even make sense, it seems so unfair. I want to think that i can be that, someone’s best.

quiet your heart, listen to your head for once. scratch that, do what you want.

so, i’m back.

i went on some strange vacation. i want to talk about it.

I have never been on a cruise before. it was an interesting experience. my entire maternal family went, 20 total. that was including my other. my mom had kept it under wraps for a long time, but i found out only a couple days before the trip that she was coming along. it was a nice surprise. I thought it was weird to not go with her, and i offered her to buy her a ticket so she could go (i found out about the cruise for christmas) and she declined. I thought that was strange, but whatever. I would go and do something, i guess figure out how people vacation. So she came along. And she was excited. i was too.

This was going to be the first time we had seen each other for almost a month and a half, and we very rarely talk on the phone, maybe 3 times a week. So we were going to do nothing but be together for a week straight. i was nervous. we do well together. we are comfortable with one another, and we enjoy each other’s company. so why feel like that this was going to be hard? because that is how i felt.

we had only talked in some sort of non-serious way, maybe it was serious at times, about calling it quits. it was serious. is serious. we had only talked about some daily pleasantries and the heaviness of talking about us being over for the last 3 or 4 weeks. it was nice to be honest about the lack of feeling that we were sharing, and in that act it let us both feel like there was something brewing still. But that was over the safety of distance afforded by telephone conversation. This was going to up close and personal for 7 straight days.

but we didn’t really talk about it.

we laid around.

and we hung out and enjoyed each other’s company, just like she and i both anticipated. But there was something else. And i’ll be frank. we are at different places in terms of what we want from each other physically. I want it all, i want the passion and excitement of how things were when we first got together. I want to touch her and kiss her and make her feel. i want to run my hands across her body. i want her to reach out and touch me. i want her to initiate some sort of intimacy. She wants me to message her back. she wants to fall asleep. she wants me to not snore so loud and let her sleep. she has no interest in sex. and that is where a lot of problems are coming from, because i still am very interested in it. I need that physical dynamic. my reasoning is that without it, what separates our relationship from any normal friendship. And i know that there is more to love than sex. more to it than the physical. And i have that. i love her. my heart breaks because it hurts to know that she doesn’t feel excited the way that i do. the way that she used to. And i don’t know what to do. i don’t feel like giving up. but i do. but we were far from intimate. it feels labored at times when it does happen. she is disinterested in sex. and to me, i extend that to ultimately mean that she is disinterested in me. and that hurts too.

and all of that has gone on for longer than it should. and i feel like a heel for bringing it up, making it sound like i am only interested in having sex. that that is how i define what we had built and maintained. and it is not, however the fact that it is nonexistent (not completely) and such a sore point of contention makes me know that it is important enough to take notice of. it’s far too early to be this cold. and that makes me wonder why does it, relationships in general, even venture towards some sort of coldness? I don’t believe that it has to. i want to think that it can be amazing forever. is that immature of me to want that? if so, then let me believe. i don’t want to give that up. i want to believe that love is real, that the way it should be is the way it can be. i want to have that.

and honestly, i’m not sure that this is it.

but what do i do?


i want to think that this can work. i don’t want to give up on her, on us. but we talk about the idea that we might be better as friends. and i tell her we are already friends. and she just laughs at me. i’m afraid of losing her, and afraid of keeping her.

and i want to leave her. i want to find the thing i want to find. maybe it’s not real. maybe i’m dumb and hopeful. i can live with being dumb, especially if my hope has any validity. i feel like i found someone that would be amazing. and that makes me sad. it pains me to know that i was looking for something i already thought i had. but i can’t lie about how i feel about her. about anything. it does me no service to lie about how i feel. to hide how i feel. and this girl, i don’t know how she feels. i’ve told her. i’ve acted on my heart. i’ve put myself out there. i can live with what comes next. i’m ready.

and it feels like i’m waiting for life, all the while life is happening all around. i want to break the spell of normalcy. i want it to be amazing, and i really believe that it can be. i can’t think of having it any other way.

and about the cruise. it was fun. a week was 2 days too long. it was an eye opening experience to see how people have vacations. i prefer different things, i prefer feeling like i’ve set out on adventure, and being on a cruise is a bit too safe, too touristy for my liking. it was a strange endeavor. i’m not sure that it is something i’d do again in the near future. but the fun thing now is trying to get back my land legs. it’s been 3 days since we’ve gotten off the boat, and the room is still swaying back and forth. and every time i sit, i feel like i’m sliding out of my chair. it feels like life is out of my control. if feels like my body and my head are not in sync with one another. that i’m doing things and thinking things that have a hard time coalescing with me living life.

Scratch the surface in order to tame the itch of what it is like to be alive.

I cut myself on a piece of chicken wire. I slid my hand over a seemingly innocuous edge, and was sliced down the length of my pinky finger. It bled a thin blood that i am used to. this crimson water flowed out of 3 half inch thin fissures. One each for the segments of my small finger. The two closest to my palm are not deep, revealing the direction of the cut. My hand travelled forward and the tip section cut through the deepest because i flinched and pulled my hand up away from the danger. So those two cuts, the lower ones, are fine. I see them and know that they are there, but i don’t feel them. The one on the end of my digit, the deep one, which in all honesty is not that deep, is still making me know that it’s there. when my finger curls under itself, the cut splits open, the upper dermal layer drifting apart, exposing fresh flesh to the world. Then the parts come back together and try to fuse themselves together. I can feel it. And all i can do is bring myself to curl my finger so i can feel that split. so i can feel the world open up. the wound open up. i try keep it as fresh as possible for as long as possible. It feels like it’s alive. it feels like it’s trying. and i appreciate that.

My back aches from… just being alive. just being in this place of feeling outstretched. i feel life pulling away from me and trying hard to reach out to pull it back. But it aches from work too. It has been stressful. I feel responsible to everyone, to help them become better and confident in the things they do, the things they try to achieve. But it becomes difficult when my own confidence wanes from lack of using it. I’m sure of myself in some respect, however there are moments when it all feels like too much. But i try, i try my hardest to make this happen, to make the world turn, and i see it happen, but the toll it’s been taking is slightly arduous. But i wouldn’t trade it for anything. I wouldn’t ever give this up. I am nervously excited everyday, waiting to figure it out. But I’m not young anymore, and i feel this shift to a new decade looming on the horizon.


I was thinking that maybe i was going through some 1/3 life crisis. I’m not sure i will live to be 90, but it seems like that might be a number i could hit. I sort of feel like i am going a little crazy and being a bit rambunctious to the status quo. I don’t know if that is a life crisis so much as it is a life. I have this feeling that i am finally this thing i had set out to be, and now i want to do something with it. I want to use this crazy thing i just made before it feels like it’ll leave me or that it’ll be time to be more steady. I have no crisis with this, but a person rarely can see the situation they are in while being embroiled in it. They need distance. And i don’t have any of that. 30 is a real number. an age when my dad already had one child and another quickly on the way. a job. a house. all real things. For me they seem so far off in the distance. so not of my world. not right now. and feeling that makes me wonder what i have been doing and why have i been doing what it is i am doing. But maybe this is normal. maybe this is the way it needs to be.


I feel like i’ve been brash. i’ve been so forward with my feelings because in this old age i know that the worst thing i could do is hold them in as secrets for myself. In a situation where i cannot win in any direction, but that lack of winning does not exclude the potential for losing, all i can do is put myself out there. put my thoughts and feelings out there, in light of losing face or having my pride and ego bruised, and my heart being hurt, because the pain of keeping it in is more than i could bare, i have no choice. my chest feels stretched in a way that makes me feel like there is not enough room for my heart in there. that it is banging around and is now achy and in need of some rest. It makes me short of breath and my hands go numb. These sensations are so real and so present, and my awareness is so keen, everything is heightened.


I could talk ad nauseum about what is going on in me for you. But i’ve scared you off. i’ve put you away from this, from wanting to know this. All it seems like it’s done is make you feel like this might be something to deal with, like a chore, rather than being natural and easy. My head swims in it’s own murky waters.

happy valentine’s day.

My eyes are heavy. One day the things i think will be different than what i think now. I wonder when it’ll be. i don’t want to rush to that point.

The sensation of perfect music is the most amazing thing. it makes me know that the world is right, that the things i’m trying to do are right because i feel that it can’t be any other way. That in the face of adversity and defeat, that the things i do are worth doing because there are other people that need me as much as i might need them.

I’m rambling and not making sense because rest is what i need.

these words are yours.

i’m writing in the air. this is all for something that is something out of reach. these are words that are written down, and acted out, and while not all for naught, have some sense of sadness and defeat in them. i don’t know why i do what i do. of course i do know why. but what i do is so drastic, i’m not always sure i know what the reason is for doing it.


i suppose i write this for me. for me to have something to remind me later on, when this is in the past, how things were, how i thought they were, when i was young. but i write this for you too. to give you the chance to read what i think, what i feel, in maybe a way that i can’t find the words when pressed to speak. when the vocabulary doesn’t match up to the intention. I’m not certain that this is any clearer. But for you i do things, i write this.


I can’t help but think of you, can’t think of sharing some level of closeness with you, to want to reach out and hold your hand. it seems so juvenile and innocent, but such a genuine feeling of wanting to do that one thing. but that feeling tesselates into other things. my arms around you, yours around me. your breath against my skin. all real desires, all real feelings. but something else.


maybe… so many maybes. so many reasons and factors that would alter a situation, but none of them are real. none of them are this. this reality we both exist in. why did i do what i did. why did i force it. I asked you out formally to let you know how i feel. to let you know that i am now willing to make something happen. i think that up to this recent point, i had just contemplated it and allowed it to remain a fantasy of sorts, but this action makes it concrete, this feeling i have, having acted on it, makes my actions real, my feelings real, my mistakes real. That this thing i had conjured in my head, manifest itself in actual reality, seems like my life is doing what it’s supposed to. Not just in concern with you but with everything. Self actualizing.




My life is in shambles. In concern to my other. We finally really talked. But the crazy thing about it is that this has been such an amazing moment for both of us.


In the recent past, i said only a few words about this feeling of being apathetic to our relationship. I think in action, we revealed our lack of feeling towards each other. But having gone through a personal trauma gave me the motivation to reexamine my approach to this life.


Funerals are such powerful catalysts. I had to eulogize my grandfather with words that weren’t my own. I read them because my mother wanted me to. i read them because my grandmother liked what it had said. i had a problem with how condensed it was, i could not comprehensively and adroitly describe the capacity of love i have/had for my grandfather. But i read them. It felt so distant and cold, and i feel that i betrayed my emotions by doing that. That i wasn’t honest about how i feel, with myself and with everyone who was witnessing it. I hadn’t done that in a long time. i don’t know when a specific time was that i had done that before, but it was a familiar feeling, so i knew that i had. But i don’t want to do that, be that person. and that led to this and this led to that and here i am.


in the wake (haha) of that, i had been energized with a fervor to make this happen. to be transparent to my other, and to ini. This was going to happen. so after my other and i had spent the day together, falling in to a complacent routine we had become all too familiar with, i did nothing.


we laid in bed, drifting further apart. i knew that i could let it slip by, and let my frustration build internally, just let her fall asleep. That would have been so easy to do. just let it all go and have it be the low hum it has been. never forcing a change, and too afraid of what that change might bring. but i’m over that. we had a conversation.


i told her that i had something to tell her that was so scary and hard for me to say. i said that i was unsure about us. that everything that we had been was no longer there. that what we had now was not what i had hoped for and that i was unhappy. i was sad with where we were, and all that has done was make me realize that i had lost the certainty in us that i used to have. And i wasn’t afraid of that.


she said to me why now. why are you doing this now? I wasn’t sure if she meant now in our lives or now right before we were going to bed. so i asked and she said both.


she asked if i was breaking up with her. i said no. i love her. nothing will change that. but there is something missing. neither of us are passionate about this. She agreed. and for the first time it didn;t hurt to say those words. to admit that tragedy. it actually felt good. we had gone so long being cold and distant and mean to one another, that this was the first spark of realistic emotion we had shared, and it was about us ending us. we talked about being uneasy. we talked about how our lives are in different places. We both admit that we are missing things. But it is easier to want to forget each other. to make this thing vanish when we aren’t together. But all that had done was make our time together strained. i told her that for as much as i wanted to see her i wanted to get away, back to my life without her. back to a place where i could forget her. or at least try. and that idea, having that feeling is or was so devastating. it doesn’t make sense. why are we doing what we’re doing if this is how we feel.


But we didn’t break up. I feel close to her. I’ve known her for so long and she has been my world. How could i not love her. But we know this isn’t working as a romance. not right now. our time apart has made our lives different and we’re not right for each other right now. But we know that we know that now. There is no real plan. we want to wait and see, give ourselves some time to let these words get processed. But the whole thing is bizarre. Since that point we have only talked about our lives after us. Being best friends, sharing that closeness and love and admiration we have. that would continue. she told me that if we did end she would give me back the ring, and i told her that it would be hers, to remind her of this amazing thing we have shared, however fleeting.


GGGGGaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwdddddddd!!!! i haven’t been too sad about this until i wrote that just there, and tears came to my eyes but i held them back. it’s real love. maybe it’s run it’s course. but i know that this is real.


So we are on the verge of having maybe the most amicable split in the history of mankind or not. it’s too soon to tell. and for that reason maybe i should have waited.




there are an infinite amount of things i could have done should have done differently, and an infinite amount of time to go over the excruciating detail. but that does only the service of making me suffer. i did what i did because i thought it was the right thing to do. and you’re right i have no need to be sorry for doing that. i am sorry however for bringing you more drama than perhaps you would have liked. but i think i have a handle on it. i think that my sincerity to the situation is evident.


and i have things to say still. i’m not afraid of being in the open. i thought about that. i’m not scared and if we converged, i wouldn’t want to hide it either. i’d speak it out loud the way it would deserve to be done. all the factors, besides the gigantic one, but even that to a degree, feel so small. i have nothing to hide from you.


eg i love you.

Right here right now this is the feeling, you make my heart sing. besides semantics, the feeling i have for you, caring and liking and all that, this is the best description. In the best possible way those words mean the world to me. i know i don’t know you completely, but i do know part of you and i’m willing to find out. i want only for you to find what you’re looking for, for you to find the happiness that we all deserve. and i want to be there for you in any way i can. there’s a moment when you meet someone and you know that they are worth hanging on to, however you can. i see that in you.

Everything must ideally integrate without any noise towards youth or understanding.

i can’t help but laugh at my situation. i am responsible, i am the one who enacted this, that got the ball rolling. i am a victim of my own designs. love is not what i had set out for it to be. it is not the thing i anticipated.


i was youthfully exuberant. i was confused and alone. i believed i knew what love really was. and i do not discredit the feelings i thought i had, or alter the word i used to describe those feelings. love. i thought it was love, long ago, i thought i was in love. before any of this. before building up a lasting relationship. i used to believe that i was in love with other people. i didn’t know any better. i thought that that was what love was. and it was. but that, or those, narrow definitions of love were forever changing. and i was unable to see how it would alter over time. i was too engrossed, too involved, too close to what was happening, that i did not have enough distance, or experience mind you, to really know. I admit that now i have only slightly more distance than back then, but it is slight at best, so my knowledge of the subject is flawed.


but i thought i was in love. and that is all that mattered/ matters. i wanted to be in love. it something that hasn’t changed. i want to know that feeling. i want to know that idea. to all the other girls i was involved with, however brief or drawn out, i fell for them. i was a young boy, head over heels with the idea of being with someone. i felt so undeserved of that. it was always a surprise to me that people would want me. and in my eagerness i probably ruined a lot of things that could have been something else. my feelings became overgrown and far too abundant in too small of a space or time, that it more than likely frightened people away. i still probably do that. i don’t think that will ever change. i want to be bold with this thing called love. i want to make the same mistakes and make them grander and larger and with more feeling. i want love to grow. exponentially.


i think of how crazy i was to believe that i was in love. looking back i know better that what those things were would barely qualify as forms of love, but it was something that needed to happen. all that failure was exactly what i needed. what had to happen to get me to this point.

and where am i now?

well, what a pickle i am in. what a conundrum i had created for myself. i find myself in a lasting relationship questioning being in it. unsure of where i belong. sure that i love her, but wavering on how lasting this might actually be. i am having a crisis of confidence. i don’t know if this is what i want any more. but equally i am afraid of letting go. seeing what we worked so hard to hang on to disappear. it was worth holding on to in the first place. so shouldn’t it be worth something now. one would think so. but i am not sure. this is not math. this is not truth. it is mutable. and on top of that, it is different for the players involved. is it worth seeing through to see if it makes it, or is love worth running away from as much as it is running towards?


then there is the issue of this new person. and this is entirely one sided. this is my vantage, not hers. i think we have special qualities that makes this interaction, between her and i, an amazing thing. a thing of awe inspiring magnitude. even if it is hidden and quite and lopsided. this boy (me) is incapable of dreaming, actual dreams, but i can fathom and fabricate better than most. i want her in a way that might have frightened her off. and that is my own fault. i believe that i am doing the right thing. i am following my heart. i am lost. but i have faith that i will figure this out. i know that i will do things that are true to who i am and how i feel.


after all the lights go dark where will i find us. will you be there if i ask you? i’m not sure who i’m asking. i think myself. i would like some clarity along with clairvoyance. i would like to know what i might do next. it’s scary and exciting.


but this is no game. this is my life. this is someone else’s life. and this is someone else’s life.


i don’t want to hurt anyone. i want to fill people with happiness. and love.


but the new person, who knows what she thinks of all this. does it matter, does it change things? yes. i suppose it does. i think she should have the world. i think it’s hers, and i want to do everything i can to help her. nobody knows but her. i guess i do.


i have no secrets any more. my life is open and ready to be examined. ready for the dissection table.


i’m afraid of what i’ve done. i’m afraid of running her off. all i know is her pretty face. distance and circumstance keep me at bay. my heart is exposed. it might have been too much to handle, i don’t have a real grasp on it.



in the middle of the night, i think of her. this is our time, the time that we share with one another. where we could reveal ourselves. it is the chance for me to be the person i want to be in front of her. daylight alters things. it makes me hide. makes me believe that there is something to hide. i suppose that the desire to hide should tell me something. i haven’t thought about it enough.


i can’t see the future. i never could. i was always smart enough to at least attempt to create some foresight. but i can’t see my future. i don’t know where i’ll be. i don’t know how i’ll get there. i try to think of every possible permutation to life, and all that gives me is a headache. living only in the moment, or essentially only in the moment, is not all that great. i wish i could see me in 5 years, i have an idea of possibilities, but no certainty that any one of those is where my life will lead me.

i’m ready to tell you how i feel. are you ready to listen?

i’m afraid of what i might say.

This one will know how far that we’ll go.

i used to be younger. a lot of the time i feel like i haven’t really aged all too much since my early 20s. I just saw some pictures of myself and my other when we first started our romantic endeavor. It really was a long time ago. We were quite young, quite inexperienced at each other, quite experienced in other things, quite damaged, quite looking to find a way to repair that damage. That time, looking back from 5 or so years later, seemed so drastic. Not just her and i, but everything felt amazing. I had the entire world out there and i had the desire to prove to it that i was this person i am now. Now i feel like i am at this point where i am who i set out to be, at least in the short term. i am intelligent about things i knew nothing about but wanted to know back then, i achieved my trajectory and goal, insofar as the realistic non-chance goal. i still have that to strive for, but the real thing i’ve done. But i was a lot younger back then. so wide eyed and so willing to go a bit crazy and try extra hard to convince everyone, especially myself, that the things i was setting out to do were worthwhile endeavors.


i don’t have that same level of riskiness. I don’t think i miss it, i like knowing more, feeling like i am at a superior place than where i started out at. That’s progress yes?


I am finally feeling better. i feel strength coming back, and i feel muscles aching, no more numb dullness over my body. my body wants to stretch itself out. i’m excited that i don’t feel like crap any longer. i want to lay in my bed with a purpose other than misery. i want to throw my arms around someone and get warm and cozy. i want to fill my silent nights with the sound of someone else existing in the same space.

Thinking back to those early moments, the tenderness, the way we wanted to be in each other’s embrace. It made the days go by. too fast for my liking, not long enough to enjoy the single solitary moments. But there was always the prospect of the next day with a new activity or thing to engage in. But i never wanted to leave those moments. Sometimes it is still perfect like that. Not nearly often enough. Even when we’re together we live different lives.

I am sort of exhausted on this topic. I feel like i am in a moment of static, where a lot of things happened just a few days or weeks ago, and a lot of things are about to happen in the next few days or weeks. But right now, i am in a holding pattern. I have a lot of things to do, but i don’t want to do them just yet, i want to get this life that i jumped back to, started and going. Maybe it’s idiotic to put parts of it on hold until it starts up. In fact it is. But i want to talk to a girl. i want to not think about things by myself. i want to hear what she has to say. in reality it was only a few weeks, but it really felt like such a long time. And thinking about it as i write this, because i sometimes try to think about what i’m writing, i’m not even thinking about talking about me and her, feelings and all that stuff, that’s still there, but i just want to know how she is. it’s funny. i just want to hear how her christmas was, how her new years was. Not funny ha ha, the other one. strange. i suppose that that is the effect of friendliness and friendship. i am not the type of person who has lots of friends, rather i have only a few who are very close.


and in a change, a turn of attitude and a bit of a breath to take a moment and rediscover my direction, i will share with you a playlist i was working on. ini asked me to make her a c.d. to help her associate these moments with the songs that i was playing, the only thing was that all of the c.d.s i played were already mixes i made thinking of her. All those c.d.s were yours. every song was thought of with her in the back of my head, and here is another one or five. sorry to make the page long.

Keep You Around Dominic Castillo
Intuition version 2 Feist
Hey, Hermano TV shows- Arrested Development
WOMAN Toru & Kojima
The Rah band – Clouds across the moo Freestyle
Parentheses The Blow
Polite Dance Song The Bird & The Bee
We Walk The Same Line Everything But The Girl
Justine, Beckoning Apostle Of Hustle
Heretics Andrew Bird
The Weakest Part Yo La Tengo
Winter On Victoria Street The Clientele
Flight of the Conchords – If Youre Into It Flight of the Conchords
Sing Me Spanish Techno The New Pornographers
Track 03 Broken Social Scene
Evil Interpol
Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts Wolf Parade
Banged And Blown Through Saul Williams
Good (Featuring Trife Da God & Mr. Maygreen) Ghostface Killah
Museum Pick Up Picking Up Girls Made Easy!
song 4 Carrie and fred
Wie A Glockn Marianne Mendt
Bookshop Casanova The Clientele
voku0161 Killdahype
bleep_mountain(the-op.com) TV shows- Arrested Development
Sensual Seduction (Dirty) Snoop Dogg
Tram 21 Electrelane
Black History Month Death From Above 1979
Kiss Kiss Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Unknown Title Unknown Artist
Little Babies Sleater-Kinney
All My Friends Broken Social Scene
Her Pretty Face The Apples in Stereo
Oh Yoko John Lennon
Track 06 Jason Collett
Rich Girl Hall & Oates
Cut And Run Electrelane
My Favourite Book Stars
The Men Who Live Upstairs The Most Serene Republic
My Skies Were Black (But You Made Them Grey) Jeffrey Bland
Music For Children’s Activities Sound 8
Burnt Rubber Ruby Short and his Dragsters
Smokestack Lightning ‘68 Howlin’ Wolf
Aynotchesh Yererfu The Budos Band
1976 RJD2
Phonometrics Isotope 217
All I Do Is Think of You Jackson 5
Holla Ghostface Killah
Sexual Chocolates Coming To America
Wet Blanket Metric
The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Skip to the End The Futureheads
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb Spoon
Breakin’ Up Rilo Kiley
High Tide The Apples in Stereo
Track09 that dog
This Is A Song The Magic Numbers
Diggin in the Carpet Jason Collett
Trampoline Calamine
The Good Times Are Killing Me Modest Mouse
is there a ghost Band of horses
More Than This Bill Murray
Carnival On 7th Street The Clientele
It’s Cool to Love Your Family Feist
Love You Inside Out The Bee Gees
Say It Isn’t So Hall & Oates
Little Red Corvette Prince
Too Young Phoenix
Track09 RJD2
17 tamaki hirooki – new rhythm various
Breath and Start Blockheads
06 Track 6 Radiohead
Fake Empire The National
Romulus Sufjan Stevens
These Eyes The Guess Who
Feel Like Making Love Rosemary Bailey
Making Days Longer RJD2
What Me Worry St. Vincent
Track 07 Apostle Of Hustle
I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever) Stevie Wonder
Big Love Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew
Mea Bloanasir Sigur Ros
Tbtf Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew
Gigantic Pixies
Track 06 kings of leon
Love Me Like You The Magic Numbers
Track03 that dog
When Your Man Is Wild Craig Wedren And Rashida Jones
Something Special for the Ladies Flight of the Conchords
Needles And Pins Johnny Arthey Orchestra
Amen Brother The Winstons
Trick Bag The Artesians
The Overly Dramatic Truth El-P
Let Me Ride Dr. Dre
Track08 mos def
It Could Be Sweet Portishead
Darkest Light Dusty Fingers
so so def bass allstars – my boo So So Def Bass Allstars
PIzza Party Tom Goes to the Mayor
Much Love Toru & Kojima

Tip toe through our fantastic thoughts for a little while longer.

I am still in a haze of the last gasp of illness. not quite clear or lucid, but still able to function in a capacity that allows me to feel the need to write and say something. try to be productive. Is this what passes for productivity? maybe productivity of the self, maybe some sort of sorting somethings out. but i don’t want to think that this could end, that the topics i’ve started to discuss have a vanishing point, some sort of terminal where they end at. But i know that they do, such is life. but i can be romantic towards that sentiment, i could feel so strongly that i want these things to last forever. i want to believe that forever is true.

under the cover of night i arrived by water to the life i had set up in a solitary fashion. not with any fan fare, no trumpets were sounded, no parade in my honor. i will never have a parade in my honor. i am not that person. i don’t want to be that person. heroism isn’t something that should be done for fan fare. i’d like to think that heroism is done anonymously or at least privately and away from public adulation. i would do amazing things for people. i want to be amazing to people. that is what i want to be to them. i think i can do that so i try to do that. i think i am an amazing thing capable of amazingness. I don’t want a parade. i do want people i affect to want me in their presence. but in the late evening in a sheet of rain, no one is out, only people making their ways to places they would rather be. I returned.

is this home. was my home, the one of my childhood and young adulthood, home while i was there, back for a few weeks checking in with my life i left behind. is this new place, my room with a bad bed and a narrow window my home. is this where i live my life. I am still having a hard time coming to grips with this notion. i feel reluctant to finally commit to it now that it is finally comfortable enough for me to commit to. my first few years were hard here. i wanted to be anywhere else. meeting people only made me miss the people i had back home. but now, i’ve been here for long enough. these are my people. some of them. i still have the other ones. but i missed that bar that laid horizontally across my back when in bed, the silence of outside my sliver of a window. the nothingness of this place i’m in is so vast. it’s so easy to see how finding someone special through all of the nothingness can amplify how special she is. like a match in complete darkness. something as small as a flicker can catch your eye from miles away. this amazingly strong effect.

ini (not her real name) is no small flicker of a tiny match. more like some sort of halogen spot light. maybe i am delusional. hahaha. i didn’t trick myself into having feelings for her. those just came naturally. in a moment, perhaps in our first conversation, while we talked away the hours sitting at that table across from one another, those grey walls, that grey light coming down through the windows in the ceilings, skylights i think they’re called, i knew that you were amazing. i saw in you something so alarming. i saw in her something so alarming. i saw a level of sharpness and wit combined with an innocence, not to be read as youthful ignorance but a genuine innocence, that i had not seen in another person. i knew right then and there, as the words came out of her mouth, that the world wasn’t ready for her. that we’d all be playing catch up to that thing she already was, even back then. Ahead of the curve? she was the earth mover carving the road, the city planner. she is. and she still doesn’t know. not yet. not ever. she can only hear those words from others. she can’t believe them, she shouldn’t. it’s not her person.


And i talk about this because it feels like forever ago. that sterile meeting ground. the formica table and wooden chairs of that center. that conversation. that was sort of the start of it all. downhill uphill? i prefer downhill thank you. downhill is good. at least i think so. on a bike on skis. water flowing down finding the best way possible. moving around and over surfaces. but back to a time frame. my mind has wandered. it feels like a long time ago. but i talk about it because it was only a year ago in real time. i’ve known her for such a short duration in either of our lives, but now she is so important to me. and that never ceases to impress me, the ability of humans to reorganize their lives and integrate other new things into it. i used to feel, when i was young and wanting so hard to be loved and wanted in a way that i thought i should be, that ‘who was i to think i could fit into a persons life.’ all i could hope for was to be included and be a periphery to the cogs of their actual life. i would have taken that, i would have settled for it. I’m glad that it never happened. but i felt before that maybe people didn’t want me because they just could not fit me within their existing life. i know that that’s not true. they didn’t want be because they didn’t want me. it seems so simple that it is stupid to say out loud, but i think that that was one of the hardest things to learn or still try to learn even now. and to those of you on the not liking end, i say this, just because you don’t like us doesn’t mean we stop liking you. we might have to fool ourselves into thinking that we hate you, but the reality is that we just hate that we can’t stop liking you. but you knew this already didn’t you.





so then what of the other, the girl back home? i don’t know. in the waning days of our oncoming distance, we just enjoyed each other’s company. knowing that we were there together right then and there and maybe that could be enough. but in the backs of our heads our problems still loom. there’s a frankness there now. she told me that she feels that this is the year that we break up. i looked at her and she looked at me. she said it wasn’t for a while. and then she laughed. i couldn’t help but laugh too. it was hard to know if that is how she actually feels or if it was a joke, or if it was just to see if i was paying attention. i’m still thinking of that so other than saying that that moment took place, i have no insight. i can’t be decided in just a short moment . after spending so much of our lives together, after rearranging those cogs and making each other fit, it’s hard to think of a function without.



but now i am away, or back, however it goes, and nothing is really resolved, not that i expected it to be. today was a crazy spiral and for as outside of myself as i felt, it was actually quite sobering and had such a level of gravity that has tuckered me out. plus now i get to see ini. i know not what i say, so writing helps me remember


tell me.