better living through living better. part 1

beyond everything we do as we struggle in todays slippery economy and workplace, there are still the finer things in life. I will be the first to admit that i was never rich, nor was i really ever poor. My mother struggled and worked to give us all a life that was worthwhile no matter how hard things were. She raised me and my siblings to understand the importance of working for the things that you wanted and not to go out searching for an easy dollar. i remember getting a pair of shoes at the start of the new school year, and that they were supposed to last me through the year, and that last years pair were this years PE shoes. and the moment i started making money, the first thing i bought were shoes. and that was followed by more and more shoes. and this is still sort of happening in my life, buying a new pair of shoes is always a satisfying thing for me. i don’t often spend too much on shoes, in fact i don’t like the idea of getting really expensive shoes because i beat them up pretty badly, paint spills, sawdust, sparks from welding, general tomfoolery. But it doesn’t mean i’m cheap either. in fact it is quite the opposite. i like having nice things, i like getting quality goods. and i know that i am not mr moneybags, but i like to spend my money, and i like the things i spend my money on. and i think at the end of it all, that is what matters most, that you enjoy the things that you get.


in my younger days, and even now, i suffered often from buyers remorse. and that was more often than not from spending a bit to far out of my range. so i’m going to try and give you some insight as to how i have made do and still have been able to get the things i get. i sort of assume that this will be a multipart thing, so i’ll try to cover the things i need to cover. and again, this is not about the basic needs we all have, more about the icing on the cake, and hopefully that will make more sense as the list grows.

ART- I think that art is sort of the ultimate in luxury. i watch cribs and laugh at how bad these stars’ homes are decorated, really generically and usually centered around the TV. If there is art it is usually a movie poster or gold records or pictures of themselves, and that is all well and good for that slice of life, but what about the rest of us. Then i think about DIY home design shows like design star (which i am thinking of trying out for) or trading spaces etcetera etcetera ad nauseum. I like the idea that they can make some ‘abstract art’ to hang on the wall at their most creative, or head over to pier 1 for something. And maybe it might end up nice, but usually it doesn’t. And as for the art you get at pier 1 or at ikea or target or the poster store, i’m sure it looks nice, the only problem is that it is generic and so common that it doesn’t say anything interesting about you.


And i think that art can be that powerful, that it can describe you through your tastes and your aesthetic values. In fact good art can be as powerful an entertainment as the TV, if not more so. But maybe the idea of art sounds expensive. Maybe you think about how expensive art sounds in a museum or a gallery or in auction houses. or maybe you’ve gone to the kincaid store in the mall, or one of those stands that sells paintings at fairs or on the street, and have been put off by the price tag. a thousand dollars does seem like a lot. And in the back of magazines like dwell and ready made, there are ads for printed paintings for 300-500 dollars, and while that seems reasonable, it still is in the same vein as the art you pick up at ikea.


So here’s the trick. go to a university. go take a look at the art classes that are going on. usually there will be kids sitting around burning the midnight oil working on a project that will be due the next day. take a look at what they’re doing. if you see something you like, ask them if they’d be interested in selling it. usually undergraduates are more than happy to sell their work, or maybe they’d be a little coy about the whole thing, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. Also, at the end of the year, schools usually put on shows that feature student work, and that is a great time to see lots of work.


Whatever you do, don’t ask them to paint or draw or photograph something for you. Don’t try to commission them to do work for you, i always think that that practice is a bit unfair, having been on the one end and seeing friends in the same boat. Just ask them to see their work, more often then not they have lots of work sitting around and they can easily send you pictures of it. Get interested in what they are doing, not in what they could do for you.


What about pricing? Prices are always a fuzzy thing. Be willing to spend some money. Don’t try to cheat these people out of what they are doing. Think about it like this, you are not just paying for the physical material cost of what goes into a piece of art, you are paying for their education to get to the point where they are making work that you like. It doesn’t just happen naturally, no matter how much talent anyone has, it takes lots and lots of work and effort. it is a constant struggle. so you are paying for that. These are people that will be pursuing art in a serious way, and you aren’t paying for a generic print that everyone on your street can have. This is real artwork. And while they aren’t ‘real artists’ (like in museums and stuff) they are probably better than a majority of people. As for a specific price range 200-600 is reasonable, i wouldn’t pay more unless they were in grad school receiving a degree in art. a framed print or poster can run around 200-300 dollars, so that price isn’t too crazy.


So how do you pick work? Well it’s basically this. take a look at different things and if you like it, then that’s probably the one you like. it sounds kind of dumb to say it out loud. it’s actually a very obvious and intuitive thing to choose. Don’t get caught up in art speak mumbo jumbo. you don’t need to know about the context or about what the artist thinks or about how it is historically referencing the futurist manifesto but using the visual vocabulary of mid 20th century modernist painters. you just need to like it. Also don’t think that you are discovering some hidden talent that will emerge and become so famous that you can turn around and sell your art that you bought for millions, it isn’t like buying baseball cards to try and make money. you should be enjoying it not trying to bankroll your unborn’s college tuition. and don’t let the room you have in mind dictate your choice either, just find the most compelling looking thing.



hopefully this will be useful to someone at some point, and if not that i’ll get to something that is for whatever you need.

and i’m not done with the other stuff, i’m just trying to broaden my topics that i talk about on here.

Listen to the things we can hear. Watch the things we can see.

musica-

so among other things i recently received, i just got the new cold war kids ‘loyalty to loyalty’ Their first album was pretty good, it had some strong single tracks, along with some songs that were a bit lack luster. But what they did have when things were working as well as possible, was a great sound that didn’t sound overly orchestrated yet not trendily stripped down to some bare bones. If i had to equate it to something, there was a late sixties sound along the lines of the kinks or the doors. but i don’t. so while they have an old sort of sound underlying a lot of their songs, there is something more contemporary than that. There is a more danceable cadence to it all. So this new album does away with the not so good songs and replaces them with all pretty good quality songs, lots of jangly reverbed guitars, clean tight drumming and a throbbing bass line. The vocals have a whiny quality to them, but don’t let it put you off, it is not at all annoying. I think a lot of that has to do because he seems to know his range and keeps his voice in check and uses it rather adeptly. The songs are catchy and don’t feel like fluff, there is a nice seriousness to the sound that cold war kids have, and i expect them to get better and better with each new release. Keep your ears tuned to this group and give a listen to ‘loyalty to loyalty’ its a good album that crosses a lot of moods and is a success from start to finish.

My Morning Jacket has been a longtime favorite of mine. They always put together interesting albums, ‘Z’ probably being their most popular, although i’m sort of torn between Z and ‘at dawn’. Their new album ‘Evil Urges’ isn’t really a retread of what they do, nor is it a departure. All the things that make the bands albums so good, the vocals, the guitar, the southern inflection, is all intact. Some tracks veer around, but not at all in a bad way, every bit of this album is interesting and fun to listen to. The title track is a great song, it seems to go in a lot of directions but makes everything work. There is a great pacing to their songwriting, long enough to get into, but not enough to lose the listener. maybe highly suspicious is a throw away song, but i think it works in the context of the whole album, just throwing us a curve ball, but it won’t end up on any mixes anytime soon for me.


but even great albums end up with a song or two that aren’t nearly as good as the rest. case in point, Feist’s Sea Lion Woman on her Reminder album is a track worth skipping. And reading other reviews of MMJ’s evil urges, i’m reminded of the reviews of Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky. It’s hard to come out with an album that will be as critically acclaimed and well received as Yankee Foxtrot Hotel, but sky blue sky is great in its own right. And i think MMJ are in a similar territory with this new album.


And in case you didn’t know every album in those last 2 paragraphs need to be in your music collection already. go get them if you don’t have them. and just to clarify there were 6 albums mentioned.




Let’s change the pace a bit. Raphael Saadiq just came out with a fantastic new album ‘The Way I See It’. Saadiq has been making music for a while and was a part of tony toni tone in the 80s and early 90s, and later was a part of lucy pearl along with dawn from en vogue and ali shaheed muhammad form a tribe called quest around 2000. All along the way he had been a solo artist in his own right. A solid singer songwriter who has worked with the top artists in the neo soul/ r&b / hip hop genre. He had a great album with ‘instant vintage’. But oh my god!!! this new one ‘the way i see it’ is so perfect an album. It is everything that music needs to be. This is on par with marvin and al. I cannot tell you enough how good this is. I want so bad to see him perform after this album. I’m a huge fan of the heyday of soul, and i feel that this album is a great thing that has its hands rooted firmly in that sound, making no bones about referring back to it, yet feels way ahead of what R&B has been offering up for the last 10+ years. GO BUY THIS NOW.


and if you liked this go pick up some DAP tone records, notably Sharon Jones and the Dap kings ‘100 days & 100 nights’


And maybe you saw the MTV video awards. at the end of the show Kanye did a new song off his upcoming album ‘808s & heartbreaks’. The song ‘love lockdown’ was great, and will soon suffer from being overplayed, so listen to it now, get sick of it, ditch it, then listen to it in a few years and enjoy it all over again. Kanye, all his antics aside, is a great producer and makes great tracks. He has a good sense of what sounds good and is really honing in on the things that are a part of the time. And i think the most interesting thing about kanye is that he understands that he is less an artist that is recording and documenting culture, and more an artist that is actually creating culture.


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so that’s a bunch of music that hopefully will sound interesting somebody other than me.


Television-


I don’t have cable where i’m at, so that is a real bummer, and i really love TV. I think that it is an infinitely interesting medium. More so than movies at time. TV has to work in the limitations of time frame, censorship, and the need to span 20 or so episodes and multiple seasons. Movies have the grandeur and flash and the ability to not have to keep your attention past the run of the movie. TV shows have to be interesting enough to keep you tuned in to the end, but enough to make you come back next week or next season. and on top of that it has to be accessible for everyone, nothing too esoteric. and since i try to write as much as i can, i think that pursuing writing a television show is in my future at some point . anyway, new fall shows, new fun. by the way, i tape my shows at my cousins and watch them there.


So the office is back and is as good as it ever was. But really, talking about this one and how good it is, is like talking about breathing. there’s really no need to as long everything is happening the way it should, and there is no surprise that anyone is watching it.


I’m super excited about the return of 30 rock. it is one of the best written, zaniest shows ever. It is on the same level as the adventures of pete and pete, the venture brothers, and arrested development. I think that the daringness to push the limitations of what is sane, and present us with some really crazy situations and off the wall comedic riffs, is a hard thing to do right, and 30 rock does it great. everything about this show is made to make us laugh, and it works. where shows like the office tug on the sentiments of being so heartbreakingly realistic, 30 rock goes the other direction and pushes the surreal into a viable TV pacing.


Along with these shows ‘my name is earl’ comes back as well. I really feel that this ship has sailed. It does have it’s funny moments, no denying that, and everyone involved is excellent. But there is something too sappy about the show, and it made itself really evident last season. And i know that the premise of the show is about the guy redeeming himself through being a better person, but it feels too close to an afterschool special and too preachy at times. I find myself skipping this show more often than not.


But then a show like ‘how i met your mother’ in all its predictable-ness is enjoying. Maybe it has to do with the fact that i am the same age as the people that are in the show. I guess i’m a yuppy now. But the key to the show has to be how well everyone works together on that show, and more so, neil patrick harris is amazing on it. It’s not groundbreaking by any means, really just a bit of a friends retread, but it is fun to watch. and the new show ‘worst week’ is off to a fun start, although i don’t know how long i could watch an otherwise likable guy keep messing up in front of the inlaws, it was done pretty successfully in ‘meet the parents’. but i’ll tune in and see how it goes.


And i have yet to watch the new season of ‘the new adventures of old christine’ but that show is always fun to watch.


And another returning show is ‘Life’. The first season was a great watch that took an interesting take on the police style drama. each episode self contained yet expanding on a larger story. It is well written and witty. I’m excited to see this come back, hopefully it will find a groove that it can fit into and will be around for a few seasons. Plus the lead actress, sarah shahi, is beautiful, not that that would be reason enough to watch a show, it’s just nice to see multicultural people in the public eye redefining the ideas of aesthetics.


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libros-


I just picked up Chuck Klosterman’s new novel ‘downtown owl’. And while i haven’t had time to start reading it, it should be good. Klosterman is a great writer that has a natural ease and playfulness to his words. Sex drugs and cocopuffs was great, all the stuff he’s written for spin and esquire was great, in fact i kept all my spins that he had articles in for a long time just so i could reread his essays. So i’m really interested in finding out how he does with writing fiction. as soon as i get around to cracking it open i’ll let you know.


I love taschen art books! ART NOW (volumes 1 & 2) are great surveys of contemporary art, i’m super excited about the upcoming release of art now vol 3. one day i hope i’m in an art book. I’m working on my cool portrait that goes in the corner of the page i’ll be on. haha. But tashcen is great because they often sell a rereleased version of their books for a discounted price (usually 10-15 dollars) I just picked up terryworld and architecture now for super cheap at the local big name bookstore. check out their website and look through what they offer, it’s all top notch stuff. you won’t be disappointed.


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comida-



I have been on an indian and thai kick recently. nothing more to say really, just that it is so good. mmmmm curry, naan, pad see yew, thai iced tea. mango lassi.


and now i’m thinking greek food sounds good


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that’s a bunch of stuff that is hanging out in my life right now. enjoy.

hold it up, you’ve lost enough.

i’m really glad that school is starting back up.


I know that it really never stopped, and that i didn’t get that much time off, but this is the start of a new academic year and there is a palpable level of excitement in the air. There seems to be more life occurring in this place. maybe it’s because i was here when no one else was here, so the difference is noticeable.


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I have a tooth ache. it’s not really in pain, it’s just acting all sensitive, and i’ve never really had that happen before so it is noticeably annoying.


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So i have had a lot of time to myself. lots of time to think and pretend and wish and hope and sober up to reality and sober up to the fact that what i think and pretend isn’t reality. I’ve been thinking a lot of my situation for the past year or two. I think that because this feels like a new start, the past becomes imbued with a feeling of fiction. Not that i don’t think that it was real, it just feels so make believe. Like it was almost a lifetime ago. suffice to say i have had little contact with anyone involved. maybe the reality is that i have had little contact with anyone that was connected to the last 2 years of my life. It’s like they all stopped existing, but it feels like there is something missing. I miss these people.


and now, now i am in a place that was only worthwhile because of the company, because of the friends i made, and mainly because i felt close to a girl. I wanted to be here to be with her, and now she’s gone and i am trying to understand this place in a way that might allow me some happiness while i am here. And to clarify it isn’t bad, it just isn’t good. So i have a desire for it to become good.


But ini, I don’t know how that ended up. I’m still waiting for the denouement. maybe it’s like people were saying, that this is the sign that i’m looking for, that this is her reaction. i don’t know. i don’t want to be delusional, but i don’t want to give up hope either. I think that at the end of it all, i want to believe that there is the potential for something that can be lasting, not at all a flash in the pan, so i keep that in the back of my head, and i refuse to concede that anything is over, it’s just always in progress.


i want to hear her voice. she speaks so softly and the words pour out of these pretty lips i can’t help but stare at them and connect the two, so as to form a memory that could last forever.




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i got a bunch of new music that i’d like to share with you


from the archives.


i went through some cds of yore and downloaded them onto my computer (which is new, but recent rumblings of a new mac coming out make me want to get a new newnewer one). The first is Leona Naess ‘Comatised’. I dug her up because i saw that she had a new album out on itunes. this disc from 1999 holds up pretty well for being 9 years old. She is a folky rock singer, heavy on the reverbed acoustic guitars, and has a wonderful voice. In the vein of feist and new buffalo, she is a great songwriter and performer. I won’t promise that it will blow your mind, but it’s a nice record and her last one was pretty good too. I think that her newest one has been getting good reviews but i have yet to pick it up. Anyway, comatised shows no signs of being too dated and fits very well in the music landscape right now.



I don’t know if i’ve talked about this one before. Orbital ‘in sides’. I used to be so into electronic music way back when, and this album was awesome, particularly ‘the box’. everything about this song builds and builds and becomes more complex resulting in this catastrophic yet very melodic wall of sound. + it makes use of being recorded in stereo. the entire album plays out this way. there is nothing too difficult about any of the songs, good beats, good breaks, catchy tunes. orbital makes serious music fun, they are much more palatable than the orb, and not as obnoxious as the crystal method or chemical brothers (but they were of different styles so…). I loved this album and would play it all the time. It goes well with a booming sound system or being played a little bit more softly and just chilling out with it.


Next on the wayback machine is Moby ‘Early Underground’. This is a collection of moby’s early house tracks way before he made play and became ultra annoying by talking and being someone people want to hear talk. This dates back to 1993 if that helps any. I remember picking this up brand new. The house and rave scene was at its peak, and these songs were the epitome of getting out there and dancing. A lot of stuff from that time is emberrassing to look at and listen to. This however was alright. It’s been years since i listened to this and it had a lot of memories attached to it, but more objectively the songs were good. try to find this and give it a listen, if you’re old like me this might make you nostalgic, if you’re young it might make you wish that moby was better than people give him credit for now-an-days.



New Stuff


Kings of Leon were on SNL last weekend and did an amazing job. their new album titled ‘Only by the Night’ was just released and they keep with the thing that makes them so amazing, foot stomping and rousing songs. This time around it seems like the songs are soaring a lot more often than previously, maybe it’s a sign of their getting older. This is a great album GO GET IT NOW! KOL needs more listeners and more people into them, i’m hoping to elevate musical tastes, and this is a good one for the cause.


And a new TV on the Radio record ‘Dear Science,’ just came out. They can be a difficult band to get into, but are well worth the listening investment. This album is more of an up tempo album than cookie mountain. a lot easier to get into this one, if you haven’t heard TVOTR start of with dear science and work your way backwards. their first album was some strange doowop prog thing that i enjoyed, but i have to sort of say it like i’m asking myself as much as i am telling you. But this one is coming together pretty nicely and i have listened to it a couple times on some long drives, it keeps me interested and excited throughout the whole album, nothing too wandering or meandering into obscure musical territory.

I have a bunch more music to review, and other stuff as well. next post. + the return of catagories!

a list

normally i’m pretty positive. and this by no means means i’m negative. or pessimistic for that matter. it just means that i have preferences. i believe it’s better to have bad taste than no taste at all. so here is a list of things that i just don’t like and maybe some coherent reasons as to why.



1. mens express v neck tshirts with fancy prints- well, there is something about these style of shirts. i think it has a lot to do with the people who generally wear them. and it’s not me generalizing an entire group of people (i know, i am), i’m just using ubiquitous tropes to help convey my ideas. anyway, the prepackaging of culture is a terrible thing. sort of the way everything works i know, but these shirts seem to be the epitome of some sort of faux sense of personal style. the shirts just feel so watered and pretend. and right now we are at the precipice of them losing their potency of fakeness. let me explain. the shirts are now so normal and part of the status quo that new people have a regular relationship with them. the shirts are the way things have always been. and soon no one will know what i’m talking about. but really it’s not the shirts per se, it’s just shirts right now. who knows what it will be tomorrow.



2. the death of boxing- i don’t understand why people continue to talk about the death of boxing in the wake of mixed martial arts like the ufc. I understand the allure of MMA. it really allows different styles to come together and see which is the best. and as a kid wishing i was a ninja, that’s pretty much what i thought about. and i took very traditional karate for 10 years, so i understand the desire to see how styles exist compared to one another. so i get MMA, a lot. but maybe it’s that training that i had that makes me see MMA as being sort of boring (i get into the fights don’t get me wrong), and finding myself being drawn back to boxing while everybody else is walking away from it. Boxing has less going on, but it’s in that simplicity, use your fists to punch the other person from the waist up until you knock them out and don’t forget to block, that makes it so perfect. There’s nothing else to it, no armbars, choke outs, sprawls, takedowns, kicks, knees , elbows, whatever else. there’s a reason it’s called the sweet science. watch it. there’s no more of the spectacle, it’s just back to basics and you can see some level of perfection.

3. free samples.- i know that free samples seems like a good idea, and it is on the part of the seller. and sometimes it’s fun to get samples. and it’s especially true and easier when those free samples are through the mail. but the thing i’m talking about is the instances when you walk through the food court at the mall and people offer you samples. maybe i’m paranoid but i get a sense of the people handing out the samples looking annoyed if you sample it and don’t buy. so then i ultimately have this looming guilt of taking the sample. when i was a kid, we would go to the mall and there was a chic-fil-a that would hand out samples, and i remember the lady getting mad at me and my sister for getting their pieces of toothpicked chicken. She would say that she couldn’t give us any because we weren’t with our mom. i always have resented that. haha. so now free samples don’t seem so free to me, they are so laden with guilt and obligation and manipulation. but the truth is i still usually take them.

4. Everybody is a winner.- there is a climate of no one ever losing. i feel that it is more directed towards the youth. but it seems more and more that kids are being told that they are doing great. and i think that is fine when it is deserved. but the world needs losers. if everybody wins nobody wins. and so i am seeing the effects of this attitude manifest itself in college students. This makes itself evident in two ways. one- people are afraid of failure. they have no desire to put themselves in situations that failure can be a real option. and the idea of nothing ventured nothing gained is losing its potency because they feel satisfied with mediocrity. two- people feel that what they do is good and that they are beyond improvement. they are reluctant to take criticism, and i think that getting any criticism is connected to their failure, that they are perfect already. and as a teacher this is so difficult to overcome (and i understand that these kids in college are primed to be elite and given more opportunities at succeeding than other people). but i am the voice of authority in the class, i am the expert, and really i don’t know much. But why take a class if you don’t want to learn, are you looking for a pat on the back and a ‘good job!’ ? i’m here to teach as much as i can and i can’t do that if people aren’t willing to learn. then once they do sort of realize that i know what i’m talking about they often don’t take the risks needed to improve. I tell my class that i would rather have them in the most spectacular fashion rather than maintain mediocrity. but those words are easy and attempting it is hard. but really, greatness only comes when there is a real winner and a real loser.


5.flys- the bug. i don’t like flys. they are annoying and i could do without them existing.


6. the heat- i don’t like it when it’s hot because it means that it’s not cold. you can always put on warmer clothes, but when it’s hot there is nothing you can do. you can only take off so many articles of clothing and either way it doesn’t really help, the only way to get away is by going swimming, which is fun, but you can’t do it all the time.


7.myspace- myspace was fine for a while, but ugh it’s so bloated with everything that it takes forever to load on my computer, and it’s so annoying. i don’t care about the bots and the crazy things people post and the drama, i can deal with all that, it’s just the load time. but really that’s old news i guess.


one more


8. idontknow- there’s so much to say. so many other things and i can’t think of any one thing in particular. i don’t want to keep going on endlessly . i want to think of fun things.



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Fleet Foxes “fleet foxes” is a great album. it sounds like walking through the wooded mountains in the fall. it is like looking at the moss in the sunlight. go out of your way to get this album. it is tragic and uplifting in the same breath. if you like band of horses or pet sounds or my morning jacket, then you should have heard this by now, but if not then go hear it.

whew! a week off to do nothing.

finally school is out! i’m taking this week off to let my mind wander and give myself a moment to rest before it all starts over again. And and and i did a bunch of stuff that makes me feel good about going back. I totally organized my class so now it will be the way i want it at the start and not a huge mess. Then i took the time to clean my apartment. normally i just clean my room, the bathroom, and the kitchen, but i took time to clean up the other room and the living room. and soon i will have a tv and a real table. not really that great because i don’t have cable and don’t get any reception, and i don’t cook or have chairs. and more to the point i don’t know how much longer i have in my place because it’s under my friends name and the situation is more complex than that. sort of crazy. but anyway clean house and clean class (not really clean just organized). so because i was in such a mood i went through and totally rearranged my studio. now it’s using the space more efficiently. i happen to have the largest studio where i’m at, but i have so much stuff it looks cramped. so my effort is to make it feel roomier. i think it worked. but i still have some stuff to get rid of. then i will feel ultra ready. and on top of that i have 5 canvases i built ready for painting, and supplies to build 3 more, plus one that is built but still needs to be stretched. so i feel ready to do things.


and my hair is growing.


i generally just shave my head. i’m sort of lucky because i have a nice round head that doesn’t look strange or have weird bumps. at least not that i know of. but im growing my hair. i don’t know how long it will last but i’m pretty committed to it right now.

so life feels like it is in order. i feel like i can take a breath of air and let it out worry free (for now). plus the air is nice and cold so it feels good in my lungs.




yeah,… i have some stuff to talk about and this feels more random and ranting, not focused enough to put down here.

a list for the next post. then the other stuff. and now that i have more time, that should mean less waiting for the time to write them.

O.A.I.B. part 4

so this is the thing that i was trying to figure out how to approach writing about.


the fact of the matter is that there was nothing really to write much about. everything that occurred was an internal activity for me, and seldom included anyone else. but enough preposition, on with what it was i should be on with.

so the last post i wrote about ini specifically had something to do with the most beautiful eyes. and something to do with getting closer to getting further. i knew then that our time within the same localized area was coming to an end within the week. she was on her way back home, it turned out that this was not the place for her. this was just a place that she knew that she didn’t want to be, or couldn’t be at the moment. it was a detrimental place that felt so severely limited and closed off to being anything other than what it is. i can only surmise that this is how she felt because we talked about it, and i knew the feeling. i felt (still feel) this way about this place. this prison paradise was a hard place to be. endlessly beautiful in its scenic majesty, but terribly ugly in its singular existence. I want to get away too. but i’ve managed to not go mad and figure out a strange life that feels okay to live in. and i think it’s because i spent a good portion of my early 20s relatively alone. alone in a way that helps deal with the lack of interaction and the overwhelming silence that pervades this place. but for the sake of clarity, the silence that i talk about is not actual silence, but more something akin to a cacophonous din that makes no sense and leaves you with no choice but to try not to listen.



but she was going soon. whatever reasons she had. she was leaving. and our time was coming to an end.


i discovered my feelings for her early on once we had the opportunity to meet and talk. There was nothing more than just thinking that she was an amazing girl so full of the qualities i find attractive. it was innocent enough. we were both sort of the same. and opportunities arose where we had the chance to spend time together. it was such a blur. that was almost 2 years ago. but we would spend time talking and hanging out, writing back and forth to one another on a very regular basis. summer came along and we knew we would see each other once we both returned and that we would talk over the course of the 3 months away.


we came back together and resumed where we had left off. Not ever anything more than just being friendly and close. I still maintain that i had no hope but to fall for her the way that i did. How can you not want to be with someone you spend time with and feel like you understand and amazingly enough, understands you and can tolerate you. those few months leading up to the end of the year instilled my heart with such a feeling of contentment that i couldn’t hold back any longer. and i wonder how things might be if i had.


i don’t regret admitting my feelings towards her. i just wonder why things happened the way they did. we had become so much a part of one another’s life, well maybe her for mine, and i’m not too certain of me to hers. And i admit i went about some things in the wrong manner, that i should have been more forthcoming. and maybe that’s where i went wrong.


and we went from being a major part of each other’s days, to having sporadic moments of interaction. But she was also in the process of dealing with other issues, so i am pretty sure that her not wanting to hang out with me had more to do with a lot of other things, more so than not wanting to hang out with me. And that condensed version gets us to a point where we have overlapped the beginning of this entire blog.




i knew she was leaving soon. i had known for a long enough time. i didn’t want to let her leave without being able to say and do the things i felt i needed to say and do.


I had admitted on numerous occasions my feelings for her, and i never expected an answer back. and for whatever reason i never really got one. but i held on to the hope that somewhere inside her she felt similarly. i still have that hope. right now, while i am typing, my heart aches from wanting her and feeling at a loss of knowing what to do to change it all.


and as we approached her departure date, we made plans to see one another. a moment for our friends to say goodbye to each other. i honestly was only concerned with seeing her.


in my head, as we went through that last week, i conjured up scenarios as to what i would say once i had the chance to say the things i thought of. i imagined quiet interactions that required closeness and a more intimate exchange. and i also thought of bold grandiose romantic displays, that would put myself in the public spectacle (because so much of what we had done was more personal, hence the anonymity involved with this blog; partly cathartic through revelation and partly documentary). But either of those felt forced and desperate.


and i was neither. i had/have things i need to say, but i’m in no rush. She has been well aware of my feelings towards her, there was no secret there.


so we met one last time before she left for good. we had a moment to eat lunch together. getting to that point i felt nervous as to what i was going to do. my brain is a loose cannon at times and it doesn’t take much to make myself do things i think of. so my nervousness was warranted. i played out the scene in my head one last time before i arrived. i had come up with a good plan, a good speech, a good gesture. and i waited for her to arrive.


she walked through the door and everything i had thought of vanished. she was too much for me. i couldn’t think of all the things i thought about because while she was right there in front of me, all i could think of was her. she is that special. that amazing.


time passed by too quickly, there just didn’t seem to be enough of it to get to a point where i could say the things i wanted without them feeling rehearsed. so i never said them. besides it was all things she had heard before (not that i am unwilling to repeat them).

and she left.





it’s about 4 weeks later and we have written each other a couple of times since then. i’m not one to dwell, but she is still on my mind. i miss her so much. i wish we had the opportunity to make this work. i know that she cares about me. i was going to say that i wish i knew specifically how she cares about me, but the truth is that while i suppose it matters, i don’t care. that feels like it’s enough to keep going, to keep trying, to hang on to everything that i’ve ever had and be willing to give it all to her. this doesn’t feel over yet.


you know how i feel about you.

O.A.I.B. Part 3

Being up where i am is strange. It has given me another opportunity to present myself the way that i desired to be presented. There was nothing from my past that was at all connected to me up here. There was no direct influence. I was a new person and unknown and a blank slate. I never strove for being anyone other than who i already am, just now i was streamlined. I could be, a bit more exacting a bit more precise about who i am. No funny stories of my horrific days at high school or my crazy life in community college. not unless i told them. I was finally an adult. i had grown out of my insecurities (mostly). I felt like i was the person i wanted to be all along, i just didn’t know it back then.


but here i am. outgoing and personable. friendly and smart and confident. Making friends was easy. It had always been easy. but this place was different. everybody wasn’t from here, everybody was from somewhere else. so we were all new and all allowed to play make believe with our lives. And on top of that we were all the same, we all were interested in making art. And that is a great thing that can divide people and unite people. And so in a very rapid manner i became friends with people in the program. But because this is school, this doesn’t last forever (unless you’re me it seems). So friends that you see daily graduate. Then it’s time for them to go.


So over the course of 2 months, 6 really good friends, people that i spent most of my time with for the last 2 years, packed up their stuff and left. There’s nothing more than that, it’s quite simple. But it is an emotional moment, and when you multiply that by so many things it causes a bit of wear. And so you try to spend time with them as much as possible, try to live it up as best you can. and just hope that you get the chance to hang out with them again.


And while all that’s happening i was offered a spot to work on a mural for the city. And more than just being a drone i was handed a good portion of creative control and responsibility in directing the project. It was difficult working on making art by committee, but i feel that we did it rather successfully. But it was a full time job that required showing up for the 4 weeks we had to work on it. Did i mention that we were on an impossible deadline from start to finish because the other 2 leaders were on their way out of the city, so that by the end i was the only one left in charge.


And on top of all of that I was busy with work over the summer, which i am still fully immersed in. The difficult thing about summer classes is that i am trying to condense 10 weeks of material into 6 weeks in a clear and coherent manner that will benefit the students in making art, and not just merely giving them busy work all summer long. and for whatever reason some of the worst students come out for summer classes. I’ve been teaching a year and a half and i had been a TA for 2 years, and i see people that only take these classes during the summer. I think that they were looking for an easier class, a way to get around putting forth the normal effort. but unfortunately for them and myself, that is not the case. I have them working at a breakneck pace and a lot of them are struggling to keep up. But as always there are a few good kids in there that make it all worthwhile.


so phew…. i’ve been busy and hectic and on a crazy up and down trajectory and only now do things feel like they are evening out. And i know that it will only last for a few more weeks like this until the start of the actual school year comes around, then it’s back to the grind all over again, not like i’ve ever stopped.

O.A.I.B. Part 2

My other and i had gone through a very difficult past few years. The beginning of our relationship was filled with passion and proximity. We were always together, and because of that we were confident to be apart throughout the day. We met while we were in school, so we had some common ground over the first 3 years that we were together. But then I moved away. And everyone asked me how it was going. And i would respond that things were fine. and they were, i wasn’t lying. Things were still idyllic, we missed each other so hard. I figure that that was the way things are supposed to be. It makes things real because the pain of being away from each other is palpable. But the truth was that we started to be miserable because the pain was real. And so it made it easier to just not talk all the time. why point out that we miss each other on a daily basis, more salt on the wound it seems. so it became easier to throw ourselves into the lives we had started as we moved into life after. It became easier to pretend that we didn’t hurt and miss each other. It became easier to pretend to forget that pain. And in the end it became easier to forget.


But moments that we could share together were fine up until it came time to depart one another. everything was swept under the rug, all the insecurities and anguish would disappear for the few fleeting moments we had. But they would quickly come back and wave our irrational behaviors in our faces. maybe not hers but mine most certainly.


Then the heart strays. feeling empty and feeling lonely, we both were searching for life and love like we’ve come to know. i hadn’t found it, but she had. and fighting tooth and nail to keep her and redeem myself to her wounded me. It made evident that i was weak because of this desire for being in love. But it was a weakness that i wanted, that i want. And cooler heads kept us together. And walking to the brink of us ending and being able to survive that, reignited these passionate ideas.


But the reality was the same. I was where i am and she was where she is, and that means that we are not in the same place together. And as quickly as those passions erupted, they were quietly quelled. and we returned to some sort of status quo. And the attempts at forgetting became easier and passion was replaced with familiarity and feelings of forced romance. And not for lack of trying, not for pleading and demanding and being rational at times and giving everything i could.





and so it was that i met someone. and while that is a different story. it is the same story.

but my other and i just dissolved. like red food dye in water, while we were in a small cup we were so potent, but the moment we were plunged into an ocean, we were diluted to the point where we seemingly no longer existed. It, this, has gone on long enough. it was just a moment where you feel helpless and nothing can replace the pain in your chest. and your eyes sting and your throat closes. my temples throbbed. but what do you do when you love someone and they love you back, but it all feels hopeless, and it all feels like it’s not love. what do you do when your heartbreaks like the way you’ve never dreamt it could, not in a grand way, but slowly and steadily, all while you watch helplessly.


and is life ever so finite. i know that it’s not. nothing ever ends. it’s all just one long continuous thing we do. one event leading to the next and the next, ad nauseum.


but what now. i talk to her still. as frequently as i had before which was very infrequently. i still care about her. she says she’s not interested in being with anyone right now. i don’t know if that makes it better. fuck getting my head on straight, i just want to throw it away and try things without thinking so much.

okay, and i’m back. Part 1

i was hit with an amazing set of circumstances over the last couple of weeks. Initially i was waiting for things to happen. Ini was in the process of moving away, and i really felt the need to try to be the best i could. Not in any act of desperation, but to just use the opportunity of proximity to try to make the world a little bit different. So i stopped writing for a bit just to keep this a bit more close to the vest. Life was being as much a surprise to me as i wanted it to be for everyone else. I didn’t want to feel too rehearsed or too planned.



So i stopped typing.



I was also dealing with some other friends leaving very rapidly as well. So things got hectic helping everybody else get ready to move and trying to spend time with them.



Then there was a chance to do a public art piece for the local museum, and i jumped at the offer. That was an intense undertaking but one that was well worth it. I got to work with amazing people and do amazing things.


And then more seriosly things rapidly dissolved between my other and i. We shared some last minutes to talk things through, to see where things were. And i don’t know any more now than i did then.



So here i am. back from the abyss. sitting in the abyss. defining the abyss, maybe inviting you over for some tea and cake. let’s make it a party. i’m back.

And there’ll be more about all this in a day or two.



hello again.

All the while, we were waiting to hear what you had to say.

And so here i am. a third of the way through the year. i feel like i have just participated in cannonball run or something. or maybe still in cannonball run. my head is swimming.

Anyway, the reason for the feeling is that i have not had a sufficient break in a long while. I suppose that there were those 3 weeks around the holidays last year. But i haven’t had more than a few days off at a time. And while that sounds whiney and wimpy, the fact is that i will only get 3 weeks off for this entire year until the holidays roll around again. Granted this is not the most taxing job in the world, in fact it is quite enjoyable and fulfilling. But the job requires a lot, at least in the capacity in which i am approaching it. Because i only had the previous year lined up, and was uncertain about summer and fall, i went at teaching with a fever to do things that i felt had not been done. To really strive to make the students become more active in making art than previous classes. And it paid off. i was hired on to teach a bit longer, but that means a nonstop schedule. So i am quickly appreciating the breaks i do get.


But more than just my employment, everything has been a roller-coaster. I feel like this might have been a level of productivity for me that i have never seen. i feel like i’ve been involved in so many different avenues of creativity. and i’ve approached each one with fervor and glee. This being a main one.


I take these moments i have, these moments between things, and i try to clear my head of everything, i try to not think of all the things i’m supposed to be thinking about and all the things i’m actually thinking about, and get them out of my head. i do a pretty good job. i feel that my martial arts training has helped with this. plus i’m a bit of an existentialist so i can do a lot of thinking that transforms into meditations on nothing.





I think of all the comments i get, and i genuinely try to answer them. thank you for keeping up with this blog and reading and making comments. it really keeps me going. And i’ll admit that sometimes the comments feel like they are very personal to me, like it makes me think that some of you out there might know me. If that’s true send me a line and let me know. it’d be really nice. But if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t worry about it. And for everybody, please feel free to write candidly, i’m really interested in what you have to say, and i do my best to really try and comprehend your words.

we are getting closer to being further

you have the most beautiful eyes. they make me wish i could see the world the way you do. my tired eyes are tired of the way they see the mundane. but the one thing that makes my eyes better than yours is that i can look at you. i get to see you. i get to be amazed and awe-inspired by you.


i believe in you. i have hope in you. and seeing you gives me hope.


hope that this is all worth everything. hope that i’m the right person.


you have the most beautiful smile. sort of perfect due to its flaws (but its flaws are really few). it is the sort of smile that is uncontrollable, better yet it isn’t containable. it unabashedly arrives on your face in a way that permeates the atmosphere and melts hearts. often it is too much to take in, like staring at the sun.


when i met you so long ago, i knew within those first few moments that i was into you. you posses that unquantifiable thing that makes you better than 99.9% of the rest of the world. you have that thing that makes you stand out from everything else. And while the eyes and smile (and really, everything else about you) are all very very enjoyable, it’s this other thing, this unnameable thing that makes me want to be around you. maybe it is you in your totality, or maybe it’s just one thing added on top, whatever it is, for me you are the one that i long to be with.


i know, it sounds crazy. but at the same time it’s completely sane, written down as adroitly as possible in plain english.


by the way my name is mark (but i’ll still go by boreyou).


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i was digging through some old cds and dvds the last time i came home, so here are some things that i’ve brought back with me.


i have a fond spot in heart for Hall & Oates. i don’t really know specifically what album because i have a greatest hits plus 3 cds that i’ve picked up in discount bins at gas stations while out on long drives. But they are such a great band and write such perfect songs. they hold up really well, and i think that is due in part because they don’t really get that passing interest in 80s soft rock like other bands such as journey and chicago. there’s really no irony to listening to their music because it is really straight forward and really good. i could list a bunch of different songs, but really you can’t go wrong with any of them.


i dug up 2 old Brand New Heavies albums, “Brother Sister” and “excursions”. Both of these have NDea Davenport as their singer, and were the albums when they were at their peak. They have released a bunch of albums since then with a few other singers, and recently reunited with NDea to put out a new record. But these 2 are early 90s london funk at its best. And while Jamiroquai (with bassist Stuart Zender) might have been the more popular band associated with the genre, BNH did it right and without being gimmicky. So if you are interested in dance style tracks of the 90s that aren’t too electro or house, this is worth a listen. (but i do have to say that the videos from these albums are sort of cringe inducing, sort of in a Clueless fashion sense)


i’m not sure if i’ve talked about it before but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fantastic show. it is perfect. and i bring it up because i recently saw that there was an ad for all of the seasons being on sale for 17 dollars each, which is so much better than when i bought them at full price (but well worth it still). anyway it was at bestbuy which i sort of despise but still go to.


and it seems that i like a lot of things that just don’t have any longevity to them like Arrested Development, NewsRadio, Veronica Mars, Cavemen (yes cavemen). And not to be excluded in that list is the always talked about “Freaks and Geeks”. I love that show so much. everything about it was so well done. And it rang so true to life, not ever glossed over or dolled up. it is one of the bests things ever on TV. I think sometimes that it is sort of better to have these shows end the way they do, that it helps maintain their quality and their mystique. i have to hide the dvds of this show because when i start watching i can’t stop. i end up watching all the episodes and disappearing for a few days, which is not good for work.

hello, in my yearning, never allowing malleable emotions, I slighted my attempts rather knowingly.

home again for a moment.



the funny thing about coming home is that i am just a normal person.


Up in school, i’m an artist and teacher. i am a person of great influence and part of the public spectacle. I’m a purveyor of culture and culturally important thinking. I am someone that people pay attention to. I am no glory hound, i just am commanding because of the role that people know me to fill. I’m down to earth about the whole art thing. i don’t feel like art should be exclusive and insular, but i know that it is. So i make an effort to normalize it, but i know that i can’t completely walk away from some of the things that make art difficult, for example the way that i talk about art. Art speak is often lofty and very esoteric, which does nothing to help include lay people into art. And while i often veer into that kind of talk, i make a conscious effort to be more simple when i talk about art, or at least alter the way i talk according to who i am speaking to. But yeah, art rock star? maybe, but a cool rock star, not the kind that won’t chill out with people that like them.


But back at home i’m just a normal person. I’m not the artist par excellance that i am when i’m away (and i’m saying that sort of tongue in cheekly, sort of.) I’m just my mom’s son, who’s room is still in need of a good cleaning and that i should take out the trash without having to be asked and where is the tape measure because no one can find it and i was the last one that used it 3 years ago. so just sort of normal. they don’t think i’m any more special than i already am.

it’s all sorts of sobering.


but in a good way, not ego deflating to the point of detriment way.


_____________________________________________________________________________________



i want you all to know that it doesn’t take much. i feel often that i am at a loss for knowing what is going to happen, and that turns into a low level of hopelessness. it’s just that being unsure does not allow for my assuredness. i know that sounds obvious. i am not sad about this at all, just confused. maybe curious. curious to see how the future pans out. but it doesn’t take much as i said. just these glimmers of hope, of interest in my direction, are all i need to keep pushing on. not at all trudging, more boldly making my way forward interested in each step, not burdened by them. i can see it, without knowing what it is. you(her) give me hope that i want to hold on to. you(her) make me want to keep going. let’s enjoy this crazy.

I just want to know if you’ve got room in your heart.

I just realized that i’m sort of lacking realistic concern towards the future. It feels like i am really set on being in the moment. And i feel that i have to force myself to consider the outcome of my actions and situations in life. And furthermore that having to do this is the root of my over-thinking. I think that that sounds reasonable.


i’m ready for this to happen in the worst way possible. i just want something to occur. And i feel a little tired of instigating or initiating these things in my life. I feel like being lazy and letting it come to me. But then part of me thinks that time stops if i stop trying, that i have to keep on keeping on because no one else will do it for me.

I’m used to this.





on a related but completely divergent tangent, i want to say sexy things. i want to fill your head with the sort of prose that might make you want to kiss me. maybe less the idea that the words are doing anything, and more that you might just want me to shut up for a second. i’m sort of didactic when i say things of this nature (in case any of you were curious).

__________________________________________________________________________________

one album to talk about right now.


This one is an oldie but goodie. Goldie’s ‘Timeless’ is a great album. it is drum and bass, so that puts it in the category of electronic, but really it is so much more than that. It is gospel and r&b, along the lines of marvin’s ‘what’s going on’, but electronic (and i sort of despise the term electronic or electronica because back then we just called it all techno, and then there were sub genres.). This came out in 1995, and it makes me remeber being a crazy pent up high schooler. i had so much going on inside of me, and i felt that all i needed was the right place to let it all out. It makes me feel the sort of frustration i had back then, but also it gives me the hope i had as well. i don’t know what came over me last night, but i was struck with the feeling to find my copy of it and listen to it again. I think the last time i listened to it was around 2000, before i made the commitment to pursue education more seriously. it has so much going on, it is such a dynamic album. But back in high school i felt like i found a gem in this album. i would be a bit more selfish with my music and have a sense of ownership over records that i felt responsible for. i have this both on tape and on cd (just an aside to how much i like this album).


anyway, this album is a deep album that can get you moving, or just chill out and get into a head nodding sort of mood. Go listen to the album, it’s perfect (and don’t really bother with saturns return, his second album).

An open letter to whom my concern once garnered.

dear xxxxxxxxxx,

what happened? the last time we talked, where did we leave it? i just can’t figure out what it was that you wanted. i’ve never been angry at you before that day. well maybe i was angry at some point. but i just didn’t let it out. i didn’t get angry at you.



i am frustrated with everything that has transpired, and that is painful and makes me mad that i wasn’t able to do anything about it.



and your reluctance and apathy towards any attempt of salvaging this thing, being so unrelentingly blaze’ about the whole thing really destroyed this love i have had in my heart.

but love can be shattered, and hearts can be broken, but the shards and pieces don’t just disappear. they sit there inside that chest cavity, and sort of shift and jostle around while they lodge themselves into the soft fleshy insides.


i tried on numerous occasions to resuscitate what we have. and the only time it would even approach that, was when we were nearing dire straits and would try to reel it back in. try to catch a bit more of that magic (fleeting) feeling.


did you try too? i think you did, but maybe i didn’t see it.


we both just gave up i think.


what does it all add up to. i can’t see the forest for the trees.


so does it work, us taking this breath. i am resisting urges to recoil back to the comfort of the white noise of life.


sincerely,

xxxxxxxxxxx

—————————————————————————————————————-



well it is not that sad. it is hard to think that this feels normal. i feel like moving on with my life.


ini. i think you still read this. i want to figure so much out. you need time and space to work on stuff. i’ve got al the time to give you.


sigh…



hahaha. i feel kind of all over the place. up and down, happy sad. i am crazy.

my life could be in shambles. but it’s not.

i’m sort of exasperated. i’m a little tired of my life right now. i’m not trying to be so down in the dumps. it feels like i can’t really look at this right now. i just don’t feel that it would have been productive for my own well being. so i felt that i had to walk away from this for a bit. a couple weeks off was not much in terms of time, but it did a great service to me just getting my head in a better place. so i apologize for the sudden disappearance.


things become unclear the more time is moving forward. while i have started to make some plans for the future in regards to employment, i still don’t know what to do after that is up. And that’s the thing about working as a lower level teacher in college, you really are just at the mercy of the people in charge. and i’ve tried to accept it, i’ve tried to prepare myself for the end of my time in the place that i am currently at. i’ve started to tell myself that it will all be good once i go back to my home. but now, new things may open up here, and that throws a wrench in my retreat. if the school offered me more time up here, i’d have to take the job. i can’t not take it. i want the job. but it feels like i’m drawing out my return. it feels like i ran away from something and i’m just doing things in order to keep running.


but that’s only one side. i knew what i was getting myself into. i have hope that this is all for something greater in the future. that i am investing in myself, my life. but this struggle of job security has me really worried. i have hope in my heart that this will work out, but it’s waning. i just want to know that it will be. and i know that i just can’t see it yet. it’ll get there.



life and love and all that stuff.



and what of love?


i don’t know.


it sucks to have a broken heart. that’s all i can say.


i try. i want love and i want to be a good person. so that’s what i’m trying to do. i am putting myself in positions that i feel correct. i am enacting actions i feel are right.


i want that feeling. i want that girl across from me to want me as much as i would want her.




i wish i had the chance for us to be close. give me the chance to hear what you have to say to me. i want to rest my hands across you.